I am so freaking emotional it is unbelievable and it is really uncomfortable for me. Jesus the drama. Drama! And all of my own making! I don't want to be too full-on about this but you need to understand that I have been running a pretty drama-free life for myself for many years. I avoided conflict, didn't cry that often, had a good relationship with myself and loving relationships with others that I worked really hard on keeping smooth. Mr D and I communicate really well, openly and honestly and lovingly, and very rarely fight. I try very hard to be a good daughter, sister, friend, mother etc.
The only problem was just a little drinking issue. I drank lots and lots of wine. And it was running away with me, I was heading in a terrible direction, into a serious drinking problem that would be nothing but disastrous for all around me. So, Mrs D, good strong person that you are with a very well-run life. How about you give up the sauce now you're 40 and steer your life in a different direction?
Done! I said. Made the big step. Knew that it would be physically difficult, changing habits and all the rest of it. But I had absolutely no idea how hard it was going to be emotionally. I thought the drinking was just a habit that had gone too far, a physical addiciton that was starting affecting me negatively because it was too heavy.
But jeepers. I am a different woman. I seriously am. I cry all the time. My-self image has been rocked to it's core. I feel shaky. Before giving up the sauce I thought I was fine, but lately I've been feeling like a boring loser, stuck at home with a wobbly tummy and no value.
And worse, I've been so focused on myself I neglected a friend and upset her. Once I discovered what I'd done I raced round to her house mortified and apologised for what I'd done Drama drama. I hate that kind of bloody drama.
And I've been exploding on Mr D, even stormed out of the bedroom the other night and attempted to sleep on the sofa! Bloody hell, who is this woman! This. is. not. like. me.
This is all very unexpected and unwelcome I must say.
Now I must away to a wedding and then to host four girlfriends for the weekend. Sigh. Cheer up Mrs D for fucks sake!