I am so freaking emotional it is unbelievable and it is really uncomfortable for me. Jesus the drama. Drama! And all of my own making! I don't want to be too full-on about this but you need to understand that I have been running a pretty drama-free life for myself for many years. I avoided conflict, didn't cry that often, had a good relationship with myself and loving relationships with others that I worked really hard on keeping smooth. Mr D and I communicate really well, openly and honestly and lovingly, and very rarely fight. I try very hard to be a good daughter, sister, friend, mother etc.
The only problem was just a little drinking issue. I drank lots and lots of wine. And it was running away with me, I was heading in a terrible direction, into a serious drinking problem that would be nothing but disastrous for all around me. So, Mrs D, good strong person that you are with a very well-run life. How about you give up the sauce now you're 40 and steer your life in a different direction?
Done! I said. Made the big step. Knew that it would be physically difficult, changing habits and all the rest of it. But I had absolutely no idea how hard it was going to be emotionally. I thought the drinking was just a habit that had gone too far, a physical addiciton that was starting affecting me negatively because it was too heavy.
But jeepers. I am a different woman. I seriously am. I cry all the time. My-self image has been rocked to it's core. I feel shaky. Before giving up the sauce I thought I was fine, but lately I've been feeling like a boring loser, stuck at home with a wobbly tummy and no value.
And worse, I've been so focused on myself I neglected a friend and upset her. Once I discovered what I'd done I raced round to her house mortified and apologised for what I'd done Drama drama. I hate that kind of bloody drama.
And I've been exploding on Mr D, even stormed out of the bedroom the other night and attempted to sleep on the sofa! Bloody hell, who is this woman! This. is. not. like. me.
This is all very unexpected and unwelcome I must say.
Now I must away to a wedding and then to host four girlfriends for the weekend. Sigh. Cheer up Mrs D for fucks sake!
xxxx
I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it. Sending you lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteDear Mrs D, don't worry, this is normal (for an alcoholic :) )It will pass as long as you don't drink.
ReplyDeleteThink of it as a healing crisis.
This is the stuff the alcohol was suppressing. Alcoholism is not just a physical addiction, it is a mental, emotional and spiritual illness. The drink is just a symptom.
It is also your alcoholism trying to make you believe your life is unmanageable without it. But the alcohol will kill you not cure you.
Meditation will help. And meeting other alcoholics in recovery and benefiting from their experience, strength and hope.
The commenter above is right! This IS normal and you will eventually feel better. You've been drowning your emotions for awhile and you need time for them to even out.
ReplyDeleteThe last thing you need is to stifle them again. I like the comment "think of this as a healing crtisis". How true!!
Oh, Mrs D you sound like you're right on track! Sorry, don't mean to make light of your difficult time. Hey go easy on yourself. You are experiencing a massive shift in how you live your life - there's bound to be some bumps and drama involved. Good for you for emerging from a problematic drinking period with your self esteem intact, that will serve you well. Don't let those feelings of being "less than" take hold, it's just that nasty alcohol wanting you back. Think of all the free time you will have now that you are not obsessing planning drinking and recovering from drinking. You can remedy any (surely imagined) sagginess or boringness by taking up exercise or a new interest. Go to your parties and weddings with your sassy sober attitude, and just when you start feeling like you are a total bore, you will realise that everyone else is pissed and spitting their wine breath in your face. Then, allow yourself a small moment to gloat and feel superior as you look forward to a glorious hangover free morning. You can do this!!! Just don't drink!!! C.
ReplyDeleteSympathy to you -- while I was drinking I had no idea why I drank, had many theories but no definite idea. Then I sobered up and began finding out how I really felt in that first year of protracted withdrawal symptoms (you might want to Google PAWS) and how much I had relied on drinking as a buffer and pick-me-up and crude anaesthetic. I drank to find out how I was feeling, I drank to escape feeling, I drank to shift the feelings. Sober I discovered that years of alcohol abuse had flattened all my emotions like a thick layer of concrete -- they came back like a roller-coaster before settling down.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, it does get easier. You might explain to your husband that getting sober is not just a simple matter of stopping drinking, it is a major life change.