So on Monday I will have been sober for 90 days. Yeah!!!!!!! My sister said to me yesterday 'so do you think you'll ever drink again, like in ten years?' and I said 'No. I will never drink alcohol ever again.'
I could hear her brain creaking and stretching down the phone line to try and understand and fathom that concept - a life with alcohol completely removed (remember outwardly I wasn't a fall-down wreck of a drunk with a life hanging by a thread so some of those around me have no concrete picture to hang this knowledge on).
I will be living breathing proof that - shock horror! - you can live completely sober. I'll show everyone. I really feel this is the path my life was meant to take and it's a fantastic way to spend the second half.
I know there will be times when I do have a sad pang about not drinking but I also know that those times will pass and the majority of my time will be spent feeling amazing without booze clouding the way.
I also know that everything is just as fun and great without alcohol. A cafe table beside the water with the sun shining, a platter of nibbles and a shiny drink and laughter is just as fun if the drink is a lime and soda.
A great party is a great party because it's a great party, not because I'm getting hammered. (A boring party will always be a boring party no matter how much you drink).
A celebratory toast is loving and cheerful because that's what a celebratory toast with other humans is. It is not given it's currency because it involves then sipping a drink that (for me) triggers a switch in your brain that turns you into a loser lush.
Stress isn't going to go away with 6 glasses of wine, it's just going to hide behind the door until you've sobered up then jump out at ya - 'still here! Now deal with me with that hangover and the guilts'. Same goes for Sadness, Anger, Hurt and Grief.
In fact in my house those emotions had a secret room behind the door and they used to have a private party in there while they waited for me to sober up. They'd plot their next move, 'lets get her at 4am when she gets up to go to the loo and keep her up for the rest of the night, yeah!'
They live with me constantly now those emotions, no hiding and plotting, and I'm getting used to having them around. It's ok, you know. It's ok.
Love, Mrs D xxx