Feeling much better, have got through my 'hard done by' phase and have quietly settled back into 'this is just the way it has to be' mode. Drove to a trendy bar during the week to meet someone and actually imagined myself buying a shiny glass of Chardonnay and sipping it and the thought wasn't at all nice. I so so so don't want to drink.
I am finding that whenever I see a picture in the newspaper or a magazine of people having lunch or at a social gathering, or a similar scene on the tele, I'm scouring the shot to see how many glasses look like they might not contain wine. Looking for the sober people (and not just the ones with the telling preggy bellys). There are surprisingly few! I know there are many of us sober types in the world but hell, we are way in the minority. Every happy face raising a glass to the camera always looks to be imbibing. My next thought is always 'I wonder how many of them are dysfunctional drinkers?'
Anyhoo Mackenzie Phillips. Mackenzie Phillips!!!!!!! Holy Hell. Just read her memoir. That woman is living breathing proof of just how much a human body can take. It's quite a dark read of drugs, drugs, drugs. Sad, intense, prolonged drug taking. Poor woman. Although having said that I do think she seems lovely (from YouTube clips I've watched). Her dad clearly had no moral compass whatsoever so from a young age she was pretty stuffed. Hence the title I suppose; 'High on Arrival'.
Anyway when writing about what she learned at her final rehab, and what hadn't worked with previous rehabs which led to relapses, she said; '..maybe what I'd also gotten wrong was that I couldn't throw away who I was to be clean. It sounds corny, but what I realised was that I could still be my quirky left-of-centre self without doing drugs.'
This speaks to me because a large part of my identity for twenty-odd years has been 'fun, naughty Mrs D', that fun, naughty, chatty, up-for-it party girl. I don't want to see her go! But now I'm sober. So how do I keep bringing her to the party? I haven't worked that out yet. Because if fun, naughty Mrs D is all about the booze then she's gone forever. But if I can be that way sober then great. Thing is, I don't know if I can. It's different out if you're not boozing. Coz .. well .. you're not boozing. I had fun at my 40th but I felt sober. Very very sober. A sober life is .. very very sober.
So it will be a different life and maybe I'll carve out a new self-image, or adapt the old one. It's early days, I can't tell how that's going to go.
Love, Mrs D xxx