Oh shit.. just realised I didn't fill in all of yesterday's food diary. Oops. Frantically writing in my notebook now…
Dinner = picked at bits of chicken leftover from boys plates, small bowl of muesli with tinned peaches and sugar, handful of white chocolate buttons.
Not my finest hour.
I know keeping a food diary seems a bit naff but I'm trying to stay mindful of how I'm treating myself, and not slip back into that pattern of 'fuck it' brain which is my drinking brain which used to lead me down the bottom of numerous bottles of wine.
(It was the 'fuck it' brain that opened the packet of white chocolate buttons)
I wrote in pen on the opening page of the notebook when I started this: "Food diary in the lead up to the book coming out. Don't crumble! Stay strong! Remember how good you feel if you eat well + exercise! Write down everything you eat before you eat it. Plus what mood you are in."
Ok, so I'm not doing the mood thing and obviously I'm getting slack about writing before I eat.. but one thing that is clear is that I am talking positively to myself...working on myself.. willing myself to functional eating.. boosting myself along..
It's something I've always done. I did it when I wrote letters to myself before I got sober. This letter when I was desperately trying to moderate.. and this letter on the day that I decided to stop drinking. Three days after quitting I started writing this blog. Obviously using words and language is crucially important to me and a very powerful took that I use to keep sober. I recommend it.
I also recommend getting a onesie and putting it on whenever you are at home alone feeling like you need a hug. Putting a onesie on is just like getting a big hug.
And I also recommend visualizing yourself as the person you want to be - strong and sober and together and calm. And visualize very clearly the person you don't want to be - boozy and sloppy and heavy and dull. I still have a very clear image in my mind of the boozy me slumping my way to the toilet late at night in a dark house. Boozy miserable me. Not going back there ever.
Got a lovely email from a reader in the UK who is a part of a big sober network and says a lot of them are struggling to stay sober after about 8-10 months off the sauce… that the initial rush and excitement and interest in staying sober starts to wane and the 'DRINK WINE NOW' voice starts to dominate once more. She asked me…'have you any thoughts or advice?'
Here's my advice. It holds for Day 1, Day 111 and Day 1111.
Talk to yourself honestly, don't hide from the truth, boost yourself along, believe change is possible, keep a clear vision in mind of the boozy you - the person you don't want to be, and clearly visualize yourself as the person do want to be, don't believe all the lies your brain (and society) tells you about alcohol holding the golden ticket to fun, know that it is possible to live a wonderful, full, fun, lovely life with no alcohol in it, know that being fully emotional and raw and real is the way us humans are supposed to live and it is a truly wonderful feeling - to be truly alive and alert to everything that goes on, even the tough stuff. It is a revelation.
And buy a onesie.
Love, Mrs D xxx