Sometimes I'm actually thankful for having a drinking problem because overcoming it has led me through an amazing transformation… and given me the rich gift of living a life in recovery.
Like, if I'd always lived authentically and wholly and with emotional-honestly, maybe being like that now wouldn't thrill me as much as it does. But because living this way is in such marked contrast to the way I used to live (kind of dulled and unaware and removed from the real guts of life) I am unbelievably grateful for it.
I'm still shocked at how I didn't realise how much the wine was shafting me when I was drinking it all the time. I didn't choose to be in denial.. I just really genuinely was in denial about what my steady, heavy drinking was doing to my life.
But now that I do realise that... and have experienced a massive turnaround… I am constantly in awe of my wonderful sober way of experiencing the world.
So even when I'm in a horrible shitty grump like I was last Friday night.. grumping loudly to everyone who would listen (well.. readers of this blog and Mr D I suppose).. grumping off to bed early and just generally grumpily grumping.. I am thinking to myself "I LOVE the fact that there is no hiding from myself. I LOVE that I know exactly why I'm grumpy. I LOVE that I'm not avoiding the grumpiness. I LOVE that I'm not confused by the grumpiness because I'm avoiding it with a bottle or more of wine. I LOVE BEING SOBER!!"
Yes.. that's what I was thinking while I was in the middle of a shitty grump.
Here's a few other things I love about being sober.
I love that I keep waking up in the morning and going 'whoa.. another eight hours sleep just like that!'.
I love that when I meet other people in recovery there is a beautiful rawness and realness so present in them that, even if they don't share their truths with me, I feel proud, respectful of, and connected to them.
I love that my recycling bin is empty when I put it out on recycling day. I'm still ridiculously chuffed about that.
I love going to concerts sober. OMG Arctic Monkeys! What a fucking awesome concert!!!!!
I love driving home after a night out. Never gets old that one.
I love that I take much more time to really appreciate the small lovely things in my life, like the sensation of putting on a onesie (go and buy a onesie and put it on.. then you will appreciate the wonderment of a onesie).
But mostly I just love that I'm not a slave any more to a substance that cost lots of money, messed with my brain and cluttered up my life.
Love, Mrs D xxx