Pangs.. they come...

I had some sad pangs on the weekend about not drinking. The same old shitty sad feelings that tell me I'm kidding myself that sober is the new black, and actually I'm a sad sober loser.. that everyone thinks non-drinkers are boring, that being sober = being boring, that I should just get over myself and have a wine, that I should stop harping on about how amazing I am for stopping drinking and just shut the fuck up and crawl into a hole and keep my head low and what's the big deal I should just have a wine and get over myself ...

.. and stuff like that.

Which, frankly, is all bloody bollocks. These thoughts are NEGATIVE and TIME WASTING and ANNOYING AS ALL HELL (should I stop yelling now?).

But they come, these thoughts. I wish they wouldn't, but they do. They arrive in my brain for a variety of reasons and rattle around unsettling me. They are strong, they feel real, they ARE real at the time, and so I have to acknowledge them and deal with them.  I can't pretend they're not there. I can't bloody have a drink! (Could you imagine if I came on here and admitted that I'd had a bloody drink!! OMG!!)

I'm not fucking drinking. So here's what I do.

1). Think 'what is happening right now that is making me feel like this?' (Answer: Mr D is overseas for work so I'm lonely, I'm doing some extra-worky stuff that is making me feel a little vulnerable, there are inter-personal relationships rattling around me that are tricky). Recognise that these are triggers...

2). Tell myself firmly that these thoughts aren't true. That I'm not a dick for thinking sober is the new black. Work hard to convince myself again that it is cool to be sober and that I am fine being sober and that who cares what anyone else thinks anyway.

3). Remind myself about all the good things in my life and rejoice in them (I have a new spray mop with a water bottle on the arm - you pull a trigger and it sprays water as you mop OMG I am telling you this is a housewife's dream!!!!!!!)

4). Eat some ginger crunch and then make a green juice to counteract it (and the guilt), tidy out the garage, pick up a novel and read it, do something kind for someone else, look up and out at the horizon and appreciate the view, put my pyjamas on at 5pm, just chill the fuck out and let time pass.. if nothing else time passing helps ..  the thoughts fade away....

Slowly they fade away....

Love, Mrs D xxx

*** Update for those who have asked about Ginger Crunch - here is the recipe! I had no idea it wasn't a worldwide phenomenon, get into it people! It is decadent and divine. If I'm feeling really naughty I double the amount of icing....

We are not missing out!

Had some amazingly lovely comments to my last post - do go and look at them all. Yay for community! Wonderful to hear from a new local lady. Hello my kiwi friends xxxx

One comment in particular stood out, and I wanted to answer it directly here. It's from someone bravely reaching out through the all-important veil of anonymity. Anonymity is very useful in this environment which is why I always encourage anonymous comments. Lurking is very useful and powerful too. Hello lurkers!

Anyway, here is the anonymous comment from my last post...

"I was sober for 180 days. Now back on the booze; not happy with myself, but felt like I was missing out on life. What to do?"

The wonderful ByeByeBeer has already offered this reply; "Give it another go if you're not happy with going back. Many don't get it on their first try. It takes time to get used to sober life but the rewards are plenty when we stick with it :)" 

Very wise words. Here's my entirely unscientific and massively over-simplified answer to what is a very important and complex question. Here's what I humbly suggest you do if you want to stop drinking.

1) Decide that you are going to stop drinking.

2) Stick to that decision no matter what.

3) Prepare yourself to lurch all over the show emotionally for a while. Like ALL OVER THE SHOW. Prepare yourself for annoying tears and pure rage and deeply uncomfortable sadness and crazy moods and just lurching, lurching, lurching like a crazy person. Know that it will even out eventually. It always does.

4) Remind yourself constantly why you have decided to stop drinking and why you are going to stick to that decision no matter what.

5) Make lists (write them down or just think them) about all the good things in your life and all the little things that make you feel happy. Cling to those things like beautiful life buoys. Nurture and foster and embrace all those good things. Seek out new good things.. grow your list of things that make you happy and make you feel good. Things that ARE NOT alcohol (which lies to you and is not your friend).

6) Keep reminding yourself why you have decided to stop drinking and why you are going to stick to that decision no matter what.

7) Find community. Find it in your neighborhood, in meeting rooms or online. Communicate with or listen to other people who have made the decision to stop drinking. Know that you are not alone.

8) Know that you are not missing out by not drinking. Know that not everyone drinks. Know that it is entirely possible to have a great life full of laughter and dancing and fun WITHOUT booze. Sounds crazy but it's true! I was petrified of that too - that I was going to live a miserable alcohol-free existence feeling like I was missing out on all the fun. But the longer I live sober the more I realise that it is people and music and camaraderie and relaxing and chatting and sharing time with people that makes things fun.. not booze. Do not give booze the power to make everything fun. It doesn't have that power. We do.

Any other thoughts for anonymous?

Love, Mrs D xxx

Back to the scene of the crime

Been doing a lot of crying in the past week. Sad things happening and upsetting things too. This is how I live now.. when I get sad or upset tears fall out of my eyes. They just come out, sometimes when I'm talking to people I'd rather not cry in front of, but they come out and I wipe them away as I talk and .. it's fine.

I do think that the people witnessing the tears are cool with it.. often they appreciate being shown the real emotion..

Me, I'm sometimes embarrassed but at the same time, when I look back on the moment I always feel 'clean' somehow like I was just expressing and honoring how I was feeling.

This is all a bit deep so I'll move on to talk about last night...

Last night!!! Big posh dinner!! So very posh.. pomp and ceremony and black tie and evening wear for ladies.. so many waiters and beautiful chandeliers and candles and flowers and very soft squishy carpet and big sweeping staircases, drinks in a reception room then through to a ballroom for dinner, three courses of delicious food, speeches, toasts.. I'm telling you this was the whole nine yards ..

We went to one of these dinners many years ago and it is not my fondest memory. Got absolutely hammered (along with a bunch of other people).. badly behaved.. there was broken glass at the end (not by me but I was in the group of hammered people being ushered out at the time)...

Yeah .. what can I say .. not my proudest moment...

Last night I got the opportunity to return to the scene of the crime. Same event, same pomp and ceremony, different me.

Borrowed a gorgeous Karen Walker dress, had my hair done during the day (salon hair!), wore funky boots that are cool yet stylish and (most importantly) comfortable.. put my coral lipstick on and drove to the venue feeling happy and excited.

Had a great time chatting and mingling and eating and laughing and just quietly feeling so proud of the new me and to be perfectly frank not feeling like I was missing out on anything by not drinking the alcohol.

The friendly waiter kept filling my wine glass with appletise, someone at the table asked if I didn't drink and I told them no and why ("I couldn't control it so I cut it out altogether") and that was fine, it's just a fact, I don't care what anyone thinks..

Sober is the new black don't you know!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Small pleasures..

So much great, gritty stuff going on with others in the sobersphere - I am totally grateful to be reading and thinking and processing all that is happening for other people with regards to their relationship with alcohol.

Me, I'm just so unbelievably happy to be sober and to be living without any alcohol. Sorry, I know that's boring but that's just where I'm at in my mind.

I do have this weird, twisted thinking going on right now that being sober is actually the 'cool' way to live. That living alcohol free is interesting and real and healthy and cool. Maybe I'm deluding myself.

Maybe it's because I'm not out in bars or at parties much at the moment so I'm not seeing what I'm missing out on. But am I missing out on much?  If I do go to bars or parties I can usually still laugh and talk loose and joke around and even have a boogie if I'm in the mood.

Maybe it's because I can vividly remember the loser boozer that I was.. always drinking wine and avoiding emotion and numbing myself constantly .. so for me to come from that place to where I am now is pretty damn cool (I think).

But don't think I'm a bloody saint. I got really really really grouchy at my boys yesterday for being boys and bickering and moaning and whining and I lost it and yelled a lot which wasn't cool. I calmed down and we had a nice afternoon and this morning we have had a 'meeting' about rules and screen time and stuff.. so I'm not beating myself up too much for losing it like I did, it's part of being a mother of three boys and also a sober person I figure.

And I'd rather be sober and raw and lose it sometimes than boozing and numb and detached..

Also have been reaching for the sugar again which is annoying. The Whole30 programme did such great things for my body and mind and diet. Since I've been off it I've hardly eaten any wheat or dairy or sugar.. I mean I do eat it but in much smaller amounts than before. Loads more meat and vege and fruit.

But then Halloween came along and heaps of candy entered our house and went down my throat. Must. Stop. That.

Got a voucher for a facial for my birthday and had it done on Friday afternoon. Talk about lush! An hour on a warm bed with lovely lotions and potions being administered to my face. Bliss. Before the treatment I had to fill out a long form about my skincare habits and lifestyle. Question: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume in a week? Answer: None!

Can you imagine how ridiculously happy I was at being able to give that answer!!  Small pleasures....

Love, Mrs D xxx

A special message from Sue..

Had a lovely lunch yesterday with my new sober friend Sue - we met through this blog after discovering we lived in the same city. Yesterday was her 1-year soberversary! Yay for Sue!!

She's asked that I post this special message from her, so here it is below.

Also wanted to quickly say that I am doing a long-overdue clean out & update of my blog list.. if you write a sober blog (or follow one) that isn't on my list please drop me a comment below so I can get you on there.

Now here's Sue...

====================

A huge thank you to all you sober bloggers.

I had my last drink a year ago today. The only reason I've made it to a year was because I found all you sober bloggers, and even though most of you had no idea, I've leaned heavily on you, every day, for support, information, encouragement, and company.

I met you all on Day 2, at 5pm, when I was buckling, and heading for yet another failed attempt at quitting. For some reason, before I went to the fridge for a wine, I Googled "sober blogs", and I found you all. I never did make it to the fridge. I spent the next couple of hours finding out that other people craved booze at 5pm, and how they get through, and eventually break the habit. I found out about having non-alcoholic drinks on hand, and actually drinking them. I found out how to look past the craving, and imagine going to bed sober, and waking up with no remorse or self hatred. But most importantly, I found out I wasn't alone in this horrible drinking place. You all made me feel like I was normal, that I was among friends, and that I was actually going to make it this time. I've been reading your blogs all year, and they've helped me deal with everything that getting and living sober deals up. I'm totally grateful to you all.

So I want to say a huge thank you to the sober bloggers.

Thank you for your courage -- to tell it like it is, in public. I leaned on your courage, and found my own courage because of you.

Thank you for your honesty -- for sharing intimate details about your lives, the ups and downs, the passes and fails. This helped me finally be honest with myself, after a lifetime of lies about drinking.

Thank you for your encouragement -- for responding to comments and cheering each other along, and offering advice and help so generously. Your practical advice and enthusiasm taught me so much, kept me strong and committed to staying sober.

Thank you for your humour (and cussing!) -- for being real live ordinary unintimidating people, speaking your truth. I feel comfortable with you, and even though you don't know it, you've been real friends to me.

I know I would not be sober today if it wasn't for you all writing your amazing blogs. Honestly, I've tried to quit so many times before, but this is the first time I've had support, and it's been the difference between failure and success.

So please, all, accept my heart-felt thanks for being such amazing, courageous, generous, encouraging, real people. You are awesome, and I am totally grateful for you.

Ten great years..

I am writing this post from a HOTEL ROOM!!!!!!!!!! It is 7am and I've just opened all the curtains, we are on the 16th floor - Mr D and I - and from my position on the bed I can see the tops of some high rises and some houses on the hills behind and lots of green bush-covered hilltops. The sky is a brilliant blue and the sun is in full force.

In about 30 minutes there should be a knock on the door with our BREAKFAST ON A TRAY!! (use of caps for emphasis.. oh how I love to have food delivered on a tray, one of the great joys of life I reckon).

Anyway the reason for the hotel is our 10th wedding anniversary. Very chuffed with that milestone. The actual anniversary was on Friday and we celebrated with a 3-course dinner with the kids, cooked by moi. I bought Mr D a nice boutique beer and a posh red wine (felt a little weird at the bottle shop but not too bad). I had elderflower cordial in a goblet with ice and soda water.

Our wedding 10 years ago was a big fun party, an all nighter with us heading home in a taxi as the sun came up. I do regret the fact that I can't remember much from midnight till 5am, but mostly I regret the fact that the next day when we hosted a big lunch for all guests I was a tired mess, mooching around, not able to converse much I was so wiped out by the partying from the night before.

But.. no point in dwelling on regrets. Not going to waste time looking backwards... all that happened before got me to where I am now - sober and free.

I've written before about how child-free nights in hotels used to always involve me drinking lots (because, as every good alcoholic knows any 'special' night is an excuse to drink more than usual). I love that I don't do that any more.

Yesterday when we arrived I had a cup of herbal tea (ginger and lemon) and a bottle of fizzy water from the mini bar (probably vastly expensive but so what). At dinner (went to a local Asian restaurant) I ordered a mango iced tea which was yum, and back home at the hotel I had an instant coffee with my chocolate pudding (delivered on a tray from room service - lushing it out big time baby!).

I'm just so pleased not to have any alcohol in my life. I don't regret my boozing, that was me then, this is me now. And now I'm in love with my sobriety. I think it's cool to be sober. All the cool people are sober don't you know...

Oh, I hear a knock.. breakfast calls.....bye!

Love, Mrs D xxx

A bit flat (life's like that)...

Feeling a bit flat... restless... not sure why... having another coffee...trying all my 'feel good' strategies..

Put a smile on my face (that worked momentarily but it slid off pretty quick)

Put a tee-light candle in my oil burner and added some delicious oil (should start to make the house smell nice soon, that usually cheers me up a bit)

Made a yummy green juice (spinach, celery, cucumber, lemon, ginger and green apple)..

Looking out at the horizon.. I've a nice hill I can look at. The sun is shining..

Um...

Yeah just one of those days I suppose. Feeling a bit weird now the book is finished. Really 'book' could read 'distraction' or 'goal'... I seem to always need one of those.

Question is.. what is my next goal?

Could try and train for a marathon YEAH RIGHT. Am always a bit jealous of my fellow sober bloggers who get into running. Not my thing. I could step up my gym work though, maybe that could be a goal.

I'm learning how to crochet with the help of my sober buddy Sue and some YouTube videos..I'm into that although I think it'll take months before I actually make something cool.

Mr D just told me I'm an overachiever and I need to chill out for a while, relax and enjoy pottering around with no pressure to deliver anything (first thesis, then book)...

Ok I'll try that. I'll try....

Novels. I need some more novels.

And cooking adventures. Maybe I'll get the cookbooks out and try some new recipes. And maybe I'll go through the house and sort out all the little piles of accumulated 'stuff' that have gathered in every corner.

That'll do for now.

And maybe I'll do lots of sober blog reading and commenting. I've been a bit remiss in my interactions with fellow sober bloggers lately, with meeting the book deadline taking up a lot of my energies. That's no good. I like the 'give and take' of this online community. I'd better step up my 'giving' and reconnect with you guys. That's the best plan of all.

Love, Mrs D xxx

The full story is coming...

So today I finished my book. I finished with a flourish, got teary typing out the last line, then danced wildly in my kitchen to Born This Way by Lady Gaga.

The sun was shining, the music was loud, and I was kicking up my feet, safe in the knowledge that no-one could see me. I felt soooooo very happy.

My book will be the final step in my integration process. For quite a while now I have had a double life.. the 'real' me (suburban housewife mother of three) and the 'online' me (Mrs D sober blogger).

I have gone halfway to integrating the two me's by telling more and more people in my 'real' life about my blog (scary as all hell but necessary).. but only when the book comes out will I be fully integrated as one. All you lovely blog readers will get the full story behind this blog. Who I am, what was going outside of all my posts (soooo much), and how and why blogging was so amazingly helpful to my getting and staying sober.

Like how on the day when I received my first ever comment from a reader it was like someone reached into my living room and gave me a great big hug. Suddenly I wasn't alone. It was awesome, and that day I really needed a hug from a fellow sober person.

Sober blogging is the newest form of recovery, where people like me can reach out through the internet and find amazing support. Really, the book is about you - my warm, kind, supportive, amazing worldwide community of brave sober warriors. We know how amazing this blogosphere is... I want other people to know too.

The book won't be out until next year some time, there's lots of editing and fiddling and formatting and stuff that goes on now apparently...

Until then I'll keep posting and sharing and being a part of this wonderful online world.

Oh, and one last thing.... I FUCKING LOVE BEING SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Over-sharing?

Did something a bit weird today. Was at the butchers going crazy on meat purchases and the two very nice, jolly men (what is it with butchers being so jolly?) were chatting away to me and then one of them commented on my broach. It's the silver broach with wings that Mr D gave me for my 1-year soberversary.. I wear it on my winter coat and it's bloody cold here so it was in full view..

Anyway he said 'I like that you're wearing there.. is that a watch mechanism in the middle?' to which I replied 'yeah it is.. my husband gave this to me for an anniversary'..

And both men kind of made 'oohh that's nice' noises, in a male/butchery way..

And then I opened my mouth and said; 'it was for my year anniversary of giving up wine'.

And the guy who was bagging up my marinated chicken drumsticks sort of gave me a look like 'Oh wow' and then pulled a funny face and said 'are you back on now?', nice and chummy like he was saying 'poor you how hard it would be not to drink'..(I think that's what he meant, he was being very nice and given he was probably a bit taken aback at my blunt information offering he was handling it pretty well I thought)..

Anyway I laughed and said 'oh no.. no way .. never again for me. Wine and me don't mix well' and he laughed and reached for the knife to slice up my steak and then I laughed and said 'or rather wine and me mix too well!' and he laughed even harder and the guy off to the side (small shop, hearing everything clearly) also had a chuckle and then we moved on to talk about how many beef kebabs I'd need.

Then the butcher to the side came closer to look at the broach again and told me how he thought it looked like some kind of car emblem.. (I can't remember what car he said because cars aren't my thing). Here it is anyway, judge for yourself.

It was all incredibly comfortable and no big deal.

I did wonder for a nano-second as I left the shop with a cheery 'see ya, thanks!' if I'd over-shared and should have not told them that the broach was for a soberversary rather than a wedding anniversary or something ...

But then I thought no fuck it, it is a broach for a soberversary, that's a fact, I don't drink wine, that's a fact, wine and me don't mix well, that's a fact too and frankly if anyone think's that's over-sharing to tell the butchers then bite me.

It's my story and I'll be open about it if I want to.

And anyway I don't think the lovely butcher men minded one single jot.

Love, Mrs D xxx

An authentic life...

I don't want stupid alcohol anywhere in my body, my mind or my life.

It has no place in my world.

Shit will come and bad things will happen and happy things too and all manner of stuff and I choose to deal with it all without drinking something that affects how I think and feel.

I want to think and feel in a way that I can always trust is authentic.

Alcohol just gets in the way of that authenticity.

And that's why I choose not to drink today or ever again in my life.

The amazing thing is that this wasn't my objective when I first gave up. I didn't know how negatively alcohol was impacting on my thoughts and feelings as I moved around in the world.

I just thought I had to take it away because I couldn't control how much I consumed. Only after it was gone did I discover what an impact it had been having on my emotional landscape FOR YEARS.

Sometimes I feel like it's a blessing that I was pounding it so hard I had to stop.. because only by stopping did I discover what a huge obstacle it was to my living an authentic life.

And now that obstacle is gone - hooray!

And now if you'll excuse me I have to go run the bath, the boys are covered in mud and it's time to settle in, get jammies on and get cosy.

Love, Mrs D xxx