Slice of life (and lemon)

It's 4.27pm on a Monday afternoon. I'm sitting at the kitchen bench drinking from a glass filled with fizzy water and a big slice of lemon. I've just made tomorrow night's dinner (chicken fajitas) and soon will embark on tonight's dinner (fish and veggies parcels). The Greatest Showman soundtrack is playing loudly which is cheesy as hell but fun to sing to. The dog is prowling around the kitchen looking for scraps of food. Now he's given up and is lying on the rug. 

Eldest son (nearly 14) is sitting at his PC in the study watching YouTube and surfing Instagram on his phone at the same time. Youngest son (8) is playing Arc on the PlayStation in the TV room. Middle son (12) is at his swim training. He'll need to be picked up in an hour or so.

I'm feeling pretty tired as I'm working two jobs right now while still running the house and kids etc. And it's been a busy weekend. I hosted a birthday party sleepover for our middle son and 3 of his friends and also had my mum staying. Also, because I'm tired my food choices haven't been great lately and I'm a bit frustrated that the house is a dusty, cluttered mess. But none of this is terrible and I know that everything is elevated because I'm tired. 

So I'm practicing mindfulness - focusing on what my hands are doing and what is before my eyes - rather than getting lost in negative thought patterns. And I'm being kind to myself, accepting that life is up and down, trusting that I'll pick myself up again and congratulating myself for being grounded and aware.

I think it's important right now that I remember what a fucking legend I am for being sober. Excuse me for blowing my own trumpet but sometimes being in long term recovery means I forget to celebrate the turn my life has taken and the improvements I have made to my world - both internal and external.

Because this picture could be quite different. I could be 2 wines deep right now, slightly buzzed and disconnected. I could be hungover from the weekend and struggling every day with an intense internal dialogue about my drinking. I could be regretting things I've done or said recently while under the influence.  I could be fighting with my husband or other relatives, or dealing with angsty friendships. But none of this is my reality.

My reality is tiredness, emotions, awareness, gratitude and a big glass of fizzy water with a large slice of lemon. Perfection, really.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Self-care while being busy

Well! Be careful what you wish for. After spending quite a few weeks moaning about how bored and underutilised I was feeling...about how my confidence was low because I hadn't worked outside of the house (like, in an actual office with other people and stuff) for over 8 years.. about how I needed to get a job but didn't know what I wanted to do... well... I went and got a job!

It's a nice re-entry into the workforce.. a part-time, temporary contract (26 hours a week for 3 months). Doing writing and communications stuff for a big health organisation. So it's using my skills but also teaching me new things.. and now all my bored and insecure complaints have flown out the window and BAM! I'm super busy.

I'm getting up and out of the house four mornings a week and driving into a busy workplace. I've had a shit-ton to learn, my brain is full of a million details. I've been stressed, stimulated, frustrated, satisfied.. but most of all - busy!

It's been great on many levels. I've reminded myself that I'm capable and hard-working and efficient and have a lot to offer. And I've reminded myself that I work well with others and enjoy meeting new people.

But it's also been a big adjustment in terms of my schedule, demands on my time, tiredness levels and self care. Suddenly I'm that person who is juggling a million things and feeling rushed a lot of the time. The meals at home aren't quite up to the same standard. Emails are taking a bit longer to respond to and some of my writing deadlines are being pushed out.

It's quite good actually because I'm being reminded that it does take more of an effort to look after yourself and make good choices when you're stretched. When you're super-busy it's easier to just grab that quick snack that isn't fully healthy, rather than take the time to chop some veggies. It's easier to skip your yoga class because you are tired.

My sobriety is rock-solid, but some of my addictive behaviours around food have crept back in. But it's ok.. I'm very aware of this and am 1) first and foremost and most importantly treating myself with great compassion and kindness, recognising that I am tired and busy and a human being with flaws and all of that is ok and understandable and 2) trying hard to keep a focus on good self-care routines knowing that although they take more effort when you're tired.. they are worth it!

It helps that I have an end date for this contract so can push through knowing that I'll be back to a more cruisey routine soon enough. But then of course I'll probably start complaining about being bored again and worrying about what job I'm going to do! Ha ha. Hopefully soon enough - in the next year or two - I'll find the perfect thing that will keep me stimulated and busy (but not too busy) and allow me to look after myself and my family as well.

Life is a journey with twists and turns! And I'm happily bumping along for the ride. One sober foot in front of the other.. facing each day with a clear head and honest intention. And that's all any of us can do.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Living my best life...

Hello anyone still reading this! I'm not blogging here as often as I used to which feels a bit weird but also the natural way of things. This blog was my absolute lifeline in the early days (as you will see if you go back to my early posts). It led me into the wonderful world of online recovery and taught me the importance of support and empathy and kindness and compassion.

Not sure how it's going to go in the future but just wanted to let you know (if you care that is!) that I am very present on my social media accounts which are Twitter @mrsdalcoholfree, Instagram  @mrs_d_alcoholfree and my Facebook page - Mrs D Is Going Without.

I'm trucking along pretty well right now. I'm still looking for some work outside of the home but am trusting that the right thing will come along soon. In the meantime I'm running the Living Sober website, appreciating my kids and all the parenting and pottering around the home I do. Trying to keep my mental health good by eating right and walking the dog and going to the gym and stuff. This is how I work my recovery, by keeping an eye on all of the physical and emotional aspects of my life and working to keep things in balance. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (last night I had crackers with butter and jam for dinner), but that's perfectly ok. Overall I have come a HUGE way since I quit drinking.

I'm now fully accepting of the fact that I am an addict and anything that kickstarts dopamine in my brain is kryptonite to me. So I try to avoid those things (alcohol all the time, sugar and flour 90% of the time) because when I do I feel free from cravings and compulsions and that is a much happier place for me to reside in. How very grown up!

Being sober is grand. I am completely settled into my sober skin now and can't for a minute imagine my life soaked in wine like it used to be. I am so, so, so, so happy to have booze out of my life. I look around at others drinking and can't see that I'm missing out on anything at all. Is that just because I have forgotten the pleasure of having that liquid drug in my body? Maybe, but I don't care. Life in the raw is great. Daring, rebellious, gritty, real, grounded and rewarding. And I have gained so very much.

It takes a huge adjustment to go from living boozily to living sober, so please do hang in there if you are in the rough early stages and know that you are undergoing a huge, heroic life change that will be really worth it in the end. Nothing bad ever comes from getting sober and any changes that come about from quitting booze are usually good ones (even if it dosn't seem like it at first). I know I'm generalising massively here but this does seem to be true.

Here's a selfie taken while on a big walk last weekend with the family. This is me aged 46 and a half, six and a half years sober, 14kg lighter than when I quit drinking with a mostly very settled brain chemistry (other than natural mood fluctuations and hormonal swings).

Sober. Not perfect, but facing every challenge with an honest intention and my best foot forward.

Who could ask for anything more?

Love, Mrs D xxx

Thirteen things I have discovered in sobriety...

1) Negative emotions suck but feeling them raw helps immensley (in understanding them and getting over them quicker).

2) Sadness is my least favourite emotion.

3) Powerful positive emotions like pure elation or overwhelming joy don't come by often but when they do it feels soooo good (way better than drunk positive emotions).

4) It's really important to recognise when things aren't particularly bad or good but just trucking along nicely.

5) Life is not a party all of the time nor should it be.

6) Uplifting music can brighten my day and I'm wise to remember to play it when I'm feeling stuck.

7) I'm still not naturally into physical exercise but I know my life is better when I input it into my weeks.

8) Yoga is not overrated like I used to think it was.

9) I love dancing, particularly with props (e.g. glow sticks, ribbons).

10) Owning a dog changes your life for the better in numerous ways.

11) Getting 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep most nights is FREAKING AMAZING!!

12) Owning your truth is empowering and brave and no-one will judge you for admitting struggles.

13) It is possible to live a full, fun life without touching alcohol ever.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Itchy and scratchy

I'm feeling a bit itchy and scratchy at the moment. Restless and bored. I need something new in my life. A new job. A new project. A new something-a-rather. I have no idea what. I'm a bit stuck and bored of my work and stuff. It's not the end of the world but I need some change, I'm aware of that.

I'm scratching around at the edges looking for new opportunities, not hustling like a mad woman but poking my nose in a few places. I'd love to be in the right place doing something stimulating and engaging, interacting with cool people, feeling valued and busy. That's what I'd like.

But I'd also like to be very available at home to parent my sons. So I need to find a balance. Hopefully something right will come along. Maybe it will take a wee while and I just have to be patient in the meantime and enjoy what I do have. Count my blessings.

* Good health
* Happy family
* Some work that is rewarding (but not enough)
* A robust sobriety

And it is that last point that will see me right most of all. Because I am sober and 100% present in my life and grounded in the truth I won't stagnate and get bitter or too miserable. I'll stay alert to my circumstance and slowly work to change things around.

Sobriety means never staying stuck. It's impossible to avoid anything in sobriety. That's what makes it so hard sometimes! But ultimately so great because you tend to work to fix things rather than leave them be for months and years.

So I'll just try to sit in my truth, push out at the edges to try find something new, and enjoy what I do have going on the meantime.

On another note we went to a wedding last weekend and a brilliant time. Lots of chatting and feeling the love but most of all DANCING! I danced for hours and hours to a brilliant guitarist that had the whole party on the dance floor. I don't know how one man and his guitar managed to sound like a fantastic DJ and live band at the same time but he did! So great.

I didn't spend the evening wishing I was boozing like most others were at the event. I am so happy in my sober skin and extremely grateful to be living a life far removed from the boozy, disconnected one I was over six years ago.

I don't miss the sloppy, drunk, emotionally stunted version of myself at all.

Love, Mrs D xxx

P.S. This is a photo montage I made of the event for my Facebook page.

A new parenting phase..

There are many times that I feel supremely grateful to be sober, but none more so than this week.

Our eldest boy has just started high school. So it has been a week of tension and stress (him) and emotion and busyness (me). I've been helping organise his stationery and get his uniform together, I've sat through welcome ceremonies and deciphered timetables. It all feels quite new and exciting for all of us and I'm so proud of our boy. But boy he can be grumpy when he's tired and under pressure!

He hates getting up early in the morning so rising to be out the door by 7.30am is a shock to the system. He's been going to his new school for 3 days but today is the first day that all of the school year groups are in attendance (all those much bigger boys!) so I got up early to make some muffins (because I'm a domestic goddess ha ha).

6.45am and I was pottering around the kitchen with the dog. The sun was rising over the hills out our kitchen window and my mug of peppermint tea was delicious. I felt so grateful to be hangover free and clear-headed. I felt so grateful to have my feet fully on the ground as my son enters this new phase of his life. It was a lovely peaceful time.

Unfortunately the peace was soon shattered. I was informed that the PE gear needed to be washed so quickly did it by hand and shoved it in the dryer. Unfortunately this meant that it was still damp when it was time to go.. so despite my motherly brilliance with the muffins ultimately I was just the biggest annoying pain in the arse ever and son left the house grumpy.

Sigh.

I think parenting teenagers is going to be hard work. A huge exercise in staying calm, taking shit but not too much and organising and sorting but not too much (or else how are they going to learn? He should have given me his stinky PE gear last night!).

But I'm up for it, and so grateful that I'm entering these years as a sober woman, not a boozy disconnected lush. I know it's going to be a rollercoaster and I'm going to handle things badly at times and have motherly guilt and regret. But that's ok too. I'm sober, not perfect. And that's perfectly ok.

But right now.. having waved my grumpy boy off ("a wet PE top is better than a stinky one!"), and written this post, I think I'm going to crawl back into bed with a book. Self care right there. I deserve it.

Love, Mrs D xxx

My fantastic New Years Eve..

This New Year's Eve was the best I have had for many years. So, so good. I just wish I could go back there tonight and do it all over again, it was that good. It was soul restoring. It was epic.

To be honest the lead up wasn't great. During the day on the 31st I was not that jazzed about the whole thing. We were camping with 4 other families by the beach having a very relaxing and lovely time but I kept thinking to myself all day I wished I could just crawl into my tent and go to bed at the normal time and not have to force myself to stay up till midnight.

I just hate that New Year's Eve comes with such a massive weight of expectation like it has to be the MOST FUN night to rival all other nights of the year. I could probably just relax about that thought process but don't seem to be able to. Maybe I'm too fond of my early nights?

And of course I'm aware that for many people on the planet (including me for 20+ years) the main way to ensure a blinder of a New Year's Eve is to sink lots of piss and get blotto.

But now I don't drink and I've retrained my brain to see that drunk does not equal fun... it's just drunk, and there are many wonderful, natural ways to have fun that don't require chemical enhancement. But for some stupid reason I still feel that NYE pressure to somehow elevate the evening to something great.. and frankly I can't really be bothered.

Anyway, "it is what it is" I told myself in the lead-up and just prepared to get through the evening having a good time knowing that the pressure would soon be off. Little did I know that magic would happen for me although I'd have to wait until after midnight for it to properly kick in.

Early in the evening we had a camp concert that involved a variety of performances (a couple of which I took part in) and that was cool. Then we had a disco with everyone jumping around to a strange mix of poppy dance tunes. Then the guitars came out and we had a singalong. That was all good fun.

But by 11.30pm I was tired, half the kids had crashed out.. some of the adults were a bit boozed.. I was struggling to avoid eating chocolate (and didn't manage to do so, scoffing many Maltesers before midnight), and my air bed had never looked so good. I would have quite happily slipped off to retire at that point.

Soon enough midnight arrived and we all hugged and whooped along with others in the campsite. The last few kids were put to bed and I figured I'd slip away pretty quickly myself.

But then the magic happened.

We had our Megaboom speaker sitting on the sand in between our tents and the music got changed from cheesy kid-friendly hits to more cruisy dancy/trancy/techno beats. And suddenly I got my dance on.

Big time.

I danced. I danced and I danced and I danced. I danced non-stop for over an hour standing under the moonlight with my feet in the sand, a glow stick in each hand and my eyes mostly shut. I totally just got into the groove with the music and danced. I swayed, ducked, bobbed, twirled, waved and moved. It was utterly fantastic.

By this stage there were just us adults - 10 of us - standing around the speaker like it was a bonfire. Everyone was mello, chatting in twos or threes or just grooving along to the music like I was. OMG I don't know how to explain it but the hour of dancing I did between midnight and 1am was amazing and utterly soul restoring. I felt so comfortable, didn't care what I looked like or what anyone thought of me. I was fully relaxed with our friends, fully relaxed in my own skin, fully into the music and just so, so happy.

Grooving, moving, swaying, ducking, diving and waving. I pointed and swished and waved my glow sticks non-stop. A few times I joked that I was directing airplanes like a ground controller at the airport and bent my arms like that! Also made big circles around and around and did quick flicks to make the glow sticks blur. In fact, now that I write I think it was the glow sticks in my hand that gave me so much joy. I was all about waving my arms to move them in time with the beat.

So, so, so happy. It was the best dance I have had in AGES and as a result the best New Year's I have had in AGES. Dancing in the half light with a great group of friends, totally relaxed in the outdoors with fantastic tunes and NO. BOOZE. REQUIRED.

Proof once again that alcohol isn't required to have a fun time. A fun time comes when all the elements inherent in the moment collide to produce genuine feelings of pleasure and happiness.

Happy Sober 2018 to everyone out in cyber-land who is brave enough to dig deep to remove alcohol and live in the raw 100% of the time. It's hard work at first getting sober, but so worth it. Worth it for magical nights like my New Year's Eve. I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

Love, Mrs D xxx

I'm not judging you lady!

So far so good on the being-happily-sober-during-the-silly-season front. I've been out to a few parties and gatherings and haven't felt the slightest urge to drink. Sometimes I wonder if people are avoiding me because I'm not drinking but then I think if they are it's their choice and that's fine. Maybe some people do think being sober is lame and therefore I'm lame too.. if that's their opinion then that's their issue and I can't do anything about it.

I did have one woman at a BBQ catch me glancing at her right as she was refilling her glass of bubbles and when she saw me she said "don't look". I didn't even know her! Why didn't she want me to look? Does she think I'm the alcohol police? I'm not the bloody alcohol police I'm a recovering alcoholic!

Having said that I do have to recognise that it's been my choice to go public about my sobriety and to continuously promote recovery online and in the media. I do always try to maintain a tone which is not anti-alcohol but rather pro people like me who can't moderate.

I want to reach people who might be secretly worried about their own drinking, feeling stuck and alone like I was. I want them to know they're not alone. I want to talk to people who are in the early stages of quitting and let them know there's a whole gang of us out there also living alcohol free.

What I don't ever want to do is make people feel bad for drinking or make them think I'm judging or criticising their habits. I'm not because other people's drinking habits are none of my business.

Also - it's impossible to know the truth about someone's drinking just from seeing them out at an event. Maybe that woman filling her glass at the BBQ was having her one big night of the year - good on her! Maybe she drinks more often than that but is totally comfortable with her intake and isn't hurting anyone - good on her! Not my business.

Seriously - I am not in the business of thinking that everyone on the planet needs to quit drinking (but OMG could you image if we lived in that world!). All I want to do is be honest about my own dysfunctional relationship with alcohol because I believe the more we all share honestly the better it is for everyone. I want there to be an honest dialogue about how alcohol isn't a fun, harmless substance for everyone. I want it to be common knowledge there are a lot of humans who struggle to control it, and I want there to be no stigma about that.

And most of all I want anyone who might be considering quitting to know that while it's hard work it's very doable and in the long run so much better!

I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I'd continued on the path I was on. In the year or so before I quit my drinking was escalating at a very fast rate. So by now I would be likely drinking more daily, I would be fatter, more bloated, more cut off from my emotions, more disconnected from my family and less in touch with everything and everyone around me.

Thank goodness that's not the case and I'm now sober and happy in my personal choice to remove alcohol from my life.

I'm just concentrating on me, and I feel great about my decision to put down the bottle 2297 days ago.

Merry Christmas!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Sad pangs and fancy parties

I had a strange sad pang the other night. I was watching a movie on Netflix and in it there was a big party scene at what looked like a totally fun and amazing rooftop location in New York. It was all fairy lights and hip people and fancy cocktails and groovy music and people having just the best time ever (because that's how it always looks in these super stylised movie scenes), and I suddenly felt really sad that I'm never going to cut loose at a party ever again.

It was a total feeling of sadness. Poor sober me missing out on all those future fun times. Never again will I be throwing caution to the wind and drinking too many champagnes. Never again will I get that naughty twinkle in my eye along with others that I'm indulging and having fun with.

Never again will I numb out, switch off, blur the edges and party the night away.

This sad pang lasted for about two minutes (I flipped the script pretty quickly and reminded myself of all my truths) but it was real and I can remember the feeling even now 3 days later. It didn't totally knock me back and I never even for one nano-second thought about actually drinking any shit booze but the sad pang was there I have to be honest.

Then last night we went to an actual fancy party at a big fancy house. It was a formal cocktail event, invite only with a security guard on the gate checking names off and staff greeting us at the door (Mr D's got the invite through his work). There was a bar in the foyer serving fancy cocktails and then another bar through on the veranda where everyone was standing with non-stop cocktail making going on there as well. Plus waiters were walking around with bottles of bubbles and wine all night. Everyone was dressed up and I had a new frock on which made me feel good.

So it was formal but also quite a loose party with booze flowing, coloured lights and a DJ playing great tunes. The night was buzzing. I took control of my drinks right from the outset and asked for my fizzy water to be served in a champagne flute which was satisfying enough. Later I had a lemon, lime and bitters and finally a ginger beer.

It was interesting to see how the night felt given my sad pang earlier in the week. It actually went fine.

I didn't give a toss that others were boozing, didn't wish I was, didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable. I had nice chats with people, met some nice people, felt fine overall. It was never going to be a complete blinder for me because aside from Mr D I didn't have any loved ones there. No close friends, no family. Not my tribe.

We lasted 4 hours and by then people were starting to dance (which I wasn't really in the mood for) and get a little bit sloppier. Nothing terrible.. but I felt very sober and was ready to go home. My feet hurt a bit and I was all talked out. So Mr D and I said our goodbyes and left.

I drove home, took off my makeup, then slept for 8 hours straight. Woke up this morning with no hangover, no guilt and no sad pangs about my sober lifestyle.

I'm ok with being a non-drinker. I'm ok that I'll never cut loose at a party with booze in my blood. What I have gained in recovery more than makes up for any brief sad pangs that I might have in the future.  I love feeling grounded and connected with myself, my kids, my family and my true friends. I love trusting myself in every scenario. It's all good.

And roof top parties in New York are probably overrated anyway.

Love, Mrs D xxx

I will never stop working on myself...

Ok so it took me a few days to recover from my sugar binge.. was battling cravings for a while there and let some more sugar/crap in here and there. Jeepers it's bloody scary how my brain just latches on and craves more, more, more when I open up and allow the stuff in. I am such a bloody addict.

But anyway I have resisted because I AM NOT LETTING THAT SHIT BACK IN AND I AM NOT GOING BACK TO LIVING LOST IN A SEA OF CRAP SUBSTANCES THAT DO NOTHING GOOD FOR MY BODY OR MIND (sorry for yelling but am very determined to get on top of my demons and live with a brain free from cravings and compulsions).

And sure enough after resisting for long enough (usually about 3 days) I am once again cravings free and am able to spend my evenings thinking about what I want to think about and not just thinking about whether or not I'm going to eat sugar/floury crap.

I was describing to some non-addict friends the other day how all consuming and boring it is inside my head when I am a slave to my cravings. How I will literally spend an evening looking and acting normally but privately inside my head I am just thinking, thinking, thinking about the substance I want to get hold of. Used to be alcohol obviously (but that ship has sailed yippee!), but more lately it's definitely been the flour/sugary foods that I respond to in the same way.

I know this sounds like "first world problems" (I hate that saying), i.e. not that bad or at least like nothing 'special' because everyone has this issue given we're all waking up to the evils of sugar and processed foods. But this is my reality and this is what I am dealing with and I'm facing up to it. My eyes are WIDE open to how I operate emotionally and physically and that my brain responds very dramatically to addictive substances. And living as a woman 'in recovery' for me means not just abstaining from my No. 1 vice (booze) but also from other things that put me back in that cravings/binging/regret cycle.

Stuck, stuck, stuck.

So bugger anyone who thinks I'm whining about nothing much. For me I am at my most peaceful and calm inside myself when I am abstaining and free from cravings, and that in turn makes me the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend that I can be. Hence I will not stop working on myself.

Of course other things are going on, I'm a bit stressed and busy, Mr D has just flown away for a week for work.. life stuff is happening and my emotions are up and down. But in working on myself as I am I'm giving myself the best shot I can at managing life on life's terms (to use a well worn cliche), am riding the waves naturally and with a good, honest intent.. and for that I'm very proud.

Love, Mrs D xxx