I love getting comments. I'm quite addicted to them actually. Every time I write a new post I spend the next day or two obsessively checking to see if anyone has commented. I am always so happy to hear from people, I really love it when people respond to what I have written.
I love the wise people who help me in tricky times. I love the lovely people who just say kind things and 'keep going' kind of supportive messages. I love the thankful people who say your story helps me. I even loved it that one time someone was rude and told me to 'have a bloody drink and stop whining' because it made me mad and all the more determined. Plus it gave me great material for a bite-back post.
But I want to apologize for not responding to individual comments. I know a lot of other bloggers do respond to each and every comment directly at the bottom of their own posts - and for me personally I love checking back after I've commented on someone else's blog to see if they've responded to me. It's so great! Like a disjointed chat room.
I am so so tempted to start doing that myself, and I've kept mulling over whether to or not. But the thing is, I just can't.
And it's because of my bloody MA research. I am actually in the middle of writing a 40,000 word thesis! I've had a terrible few months of not-studying, what with the house-sale and relocation, have really faltered for a while there but am finally back into the swing of things and am starting to get into some heavy-duty analysis of my data.
I'm actually meant to be working right now while I type this. And, you see, that's the problem. I already 'waste' too much time on blogger when I should be working on my studies. Of course it's not a waste. Blogging is my secret sobriety weapon and my blogger buddies are my secret support network, my home group, my lovely faceless buddies spread around the world give me so much strength and hope every day. I love that we're all lumped together in a crazy blog-o-sphere, opening up and supporting and talking and listening.
But if I were to start responding to comments, on top of trying to comment on others blogs as much as possible, plus keep posting twice a week .. I just wouldn't get my MA done. So that's all I wanted to say right now. I want to tell you all every time you comment that I agree, or thanks, or me too, or wow really! or some such. But for now, I'm not going to let myself. Until I put this MA baby to bed anyway.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Up and down and up and down
I'd be lying if I said I never had pangs about drinking. I do, in a sad 'yeah it would be really nice to have a couple of glasses of wine tonight' kind of way. But, as all good boozers know, it's never about just a couple of glasses of wine. I've never been able to see the point in a couple of glasses of wine, might as well go for the whole bottle.
(I just imagined drinking a whole bottle of wine and felt quite sick actually).
I've come off my high from the weekend and had an absolutely appalling day yesterday which ended with me yelling at the kids. It was just a bad day.
Then this morning I'm all tearful about god-knows-what and grouchy about the state of the house and just feeling kind of joy-less. It's a down alright, and it's come after the up of last weekend. Ups and downs and ups and downs. The normal waves of any life I suppose, but felt more acutely now that I live sober.
So yeah .. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have pangs of sadness that I'm not a lucky moderate drinker who can use alcohol wisely and reap the benefits of a few nice drinks on a Friday night. But I can't. Just like I'll never have long legs or lovely smooth olive-coloured skin, or be really artistic, I can't drink well. And so I don't drink at all.
I have to put it in that camp of things that are unchangeable. The length of my legs I can't change. Nor can I change my predilection toward heavy wine consumption. Could I have avoided becoming an alcoholic with a different life-path? Who knows. That I'll never know. I think the reason that moment I finally accepted that I was an alcoholic (you can read the post here) was so profound was that it was a deep, total acceptance. Like a surrender. Yep, I'm an alcoholic, that means I can't touch alcohol. Period.
It's a bummer. It's a bummer. It's a bummer. It really is a bummer. But it's a fact. So there. Get over it. Harden up and get on with it. You can't drink (I'm talking to myself now, clearly going mad here), so suck it up, put your head down and get on with living sober.
Will do.
Love, Mrs D xxx
P.S. I got an email from an online pharmacy/healthcare provider place in the States to tell me they've included me in their list of top sites regarding alcohol addiction. The list is here. The email was sent to the 'Mrs D is Going Without team'! Ah, that would just be me. Just little old sober me sitting at my desk, in my living room, in my house, on a street, down under in New Zealand.
(I just imagined drinking a whole bottle of wine and felt quite sick actually).
I've come off my high from the weekend and had an absolutely appalling day yesterday which ended with me yelling at the kids. It was just a bad day.
Then this morning I'm all tearful about god-knows-what and grouchy about the state of the house and just feeling kind of joy-less. It's a down alright, and it's come after the up of last weekend. Ups and downs and ups and downs. The normal waves of any life I suppose, but felt more acutely now that I live sober.
So yeah .. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have pangs of sadness that I'm not a lucky moderate drinker who can use alcohol wisely and reap the benefits of a few nice drinks on a Friday night. But I can't. Just like I'll never have long legs or lovely smooth olive-coloured skin, or be really artistic, I can't drink well. And so I don't drink at all.
I have to put it in that camp of things that are unchangeable. The length of my legs I can't change. Nor can I change my predilection toward heavy wine consumption. Could I have avoided becoming an alcoholic with a different life-path? Who knows. That I'll never know. I think the reason that moment I finally accepted that I was an alcoholic (you can read the post here) was so profound was that it was a deep, total acceptance. Like a surrender. Yep, I'm an alcoholic, that means I can't touch alcohol. Period.
It's a bummer. It's a bummer. It's a bummer. It really is a bummer. But it's a fact. So there. Get over it. Harden up and get on with it. You can't drink (I'm talking to myself now, clearly going mad here), so suck it up, put your head down and get on with living sober.
Will do.
Love, Mrs D xxx
P.S. I got an email from an online pharmacy/healthcare provider place in the States to tell me they've included me in their list of top sites regarding alcohol addiction. The list is here. The email was sent to the 'Mrs D is Going Without team'! Ah, that would just be me. Just little old sober me sitting at my desk, in my living room, in my house, on a street, down under in New Zealand.
Monday, July 23, 2012
A birthday party.
Our middle boy has just turned 6 and we threw a wee party for him on Saturday. There were about 15 adults and 18 kids at our house for Saturday afternoon.
Luckily Mr D and I enjoy throwing parties and we planned a treasure hunt, a disco competition and lots of yummy nibbles and drinks.
And I thought - bugger it. Just because I don't drink any more doesn't mean no-one else shouldn't. Opening a bottle of bubbles can really set a fun tone I think so I bought a couple during the week and had them in the fridge ready for the party. Mr D went out in the morning and got some beer, and I also had some Virgin Cosmopolitans - a little pink bottle I've found from a company that is making a range of virgin cocktails pre-mixed. They're yummy.
So there I was popping the cork and pouring away for those who wanted it. A few were happy to accept and a few had pink drinks with me. Most of the blokes had a beer and the party was away! I was busy organizing the games and helping with present opening and making sure the food was going around and just chat chat chatting with our friends and did not give a toss that I wasn't sharing in the booze.
On the contrary I was actually delighted not to be. I so love that I've discovered that I can just do everything just as well and happily without boozing. Normally - before I became sober - I would have gone through the whole party much the same but slowly and steadily filling myself with alcohol. I don't think it would have been too noticeable, but I would have probably bought at least double the amount for the party and had a bottle or two of red wine for 'after' when people had gone home.
As it was I waved our friends goodbye, tidied up, watched some tele, cleaned my face, put night cream on and went to bed.
Who am I??!! Who is this person who is so unbelievably happy to have realised what was so wrong and made it right. That's me, yippee! Sober me.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Luckily Mr D and I enjoy throwing parties and we planned a treasure hunt, a disco competition and lots of yummy nibbles and drinks.
And I thought - bugger it. Just because I don't drink any more doesn't mean no-one else shouldn't. Opening a bottle of bubbles can really set a fun tone I think so I bought a couple during the week and had them in the fridge ready for the party. Mr D went out in the morning and got some beer, and I also had some Virgin Cosmopolitans - a little pink bottle I've found from a company that is making a range of virgin cocktails pre-mixed. They're yummy.
So there I was popping the cork and pouring away for those who wanted it. A few were happy to accept and a few had pink drinks with me. Most of the blokes had a beer and the party was away! I was busy organizing the games and helping with present opening and making sure the food was going around and just chat chat chatting with our friends and did not give a toss that I wasn't sharing in the booze.
On the contrary I was actually delighted not to be. I so love that I've discovered that I can just do everything just as well and happily without boozing. Normally - before I became sober - I would have gone through the whole party much the same but slowly and steadily filling myself with alcohol. I don't think it would have been too noticeable, but I would have probably bought at least double the amount for the party and had a bottle or two of red wine for 'after' when people had gone home.
As it was I waved our friends goodbye, tidied up, watched some tele, cleaned my face, put night cream on and went to bed.
Who am I??!! Who is this person who is so unbelievably happy to have realised what was so wrong and made it right. That's me, yippee! Sober me.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Yelling from the mountain top
Someone emailed me to ask how the hell did I just decide to stop and then stop? It does sound so easy when put like that. And while it hasn't been easy to learn to live without wine smoothing the way .. it actually has been easy for me to not touch the stuff. I have poured wine for others, sniffed it, had the smell wafting across the table on numerous occasions, bought it, encouraged others to drink it in front of me, and never once since the first few weeks of cravings have I actually thought to pick it up and swallow. How come?
I do feel really lucky that I feel like this. But I do think that all the re-training of my brain that I did early on really really helped. Reading books like Jason Vale's 'Kick the Drink, Easy!' really helped me see wine not as my friend but as the enemy.
Not the enemy so much as that person that you thought was really good for you and then you slowly realise that they're actually a really negative influence and a liability and that you're better off slowly retreating from that person and avoiding hanging out with them.
Like that really un-cool person that you just wish would stop hanging around trying to be your friend when you just find they get in the way and make dumb comments.
I can happily fill the glass of wine and hand it to a friend because I just don't want that stuff in my body twisting my brain and sending it back into an obsessed place which I am tricked into thinking is fun when it's totally not. I don't want that shit getting in my way, turning me back into that loser (in my own eyes that's what I was) who believes nothing is fun if you're not drinking.
I actually hate the alcohol industry now for all the brain washing it does to make you think nothing is fun or social without booze. It's simply not true. This country is awash (pun intended!) with news items at the moment about our awful drinking culture and the toll it takes on our emergency, medical, social and other services. But all the chatter is from politicians, medical professionals, the 'experts' etc etc.. but where are the ordinary people standing up saying 'this has got to stop!"
I feel like standing on the top of the mountain yelling for all to hear 'TAKE THE BOOZE AWAY I PROMISE YOU LIFE IS JUST AS FUN!!!' I'd probably have to add 'AND YOU'LL GAIN BACK LOADS OF TIME YOU DIDN'T EVEN REALISE YOU WERE WASTING' and then follow up with 'OK SO YOU MIGHT BE MORE EMOTIONAL BUT EVEN THAT FEELS RIGHT IN THE BIG PICTURE'. By now I'd probably have a sore throat from all that yelling but I'd just have to add 'IT IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE TO LIVE WITHOUT ALCOHOL - REALLY IT IS!!!!'.
All the lucky normal drinkers wouldn't need to really respond. But how I wish all the hundreds of other dysfunctional boozers like me would give sobriety a go. How much happier would so many of them (and their families) be?
Righto, time for a cup of tea after all that yelling. Bye!
Love, Mrs D xxx
I do feel really lucky that I feel like this. But I do think that all the re-training of my brain that I did early on really really helped. Reading books like Jason Vale's 'Kick the Drink, Easy!' really helped me see wine not as my friend but as the enemy.
Not the enemy so much as that person that you thought was really good for you and then you slowly realise that they're actually a really negative influence and a liability and that you're better off slowly retreating from that person and avoiding hanging out with them.
Like that really un-cool person that you just wish would stop hanging around trying to be your friend when you just find they get in the way and make dumb comments.
I can happily fill the glass of wine and hand it to a friend because I just don't want that stuff in my body twisting my brain and sending it back into an obsessed place which I am tricked into thinking is fun when it's totally not. I don't want that shit getting in my way, turning me back into that loser (in my own eyes that's what I was) who believes nothing is fun if you're not drinking.
I actually hate the alcohol industry now for all the brain washing it does to make you think nothing is fun or social without booze. It's simply not true. This country is awash (pun intended!) with news items at the moment about our awful drinking culture and the toll it takes on our emergency, medical, social and other services. But all the chatter is from politicians, medical professionals, the 'experts' etc etc.. but where are the ordinary people standing up saying 'this has got to stop!"
I feel like standing on the top of the mountain yelling for all to hear 'TAKE THE BOOZE AWAY I PROMISE YOU LIFE IS JUST AS FUN!!!' I'd probably have to add 'AND YOU'LL GAIN BACK LOADS OF TIME YOU DIDN'T EVEN REALISE YOU WERE WASTING' and then follow up with 'OK SO YOU MIGHT BE MORE EMOTIONAL BUT EVEN THAT FEELS RIGHT IN THE BIG PICTURE'. By now I'd probably have a sore throat from all that yelling but I'd just have to add 'IT IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE TO LIVE WITHOUT ALCOHOL - REALLY IT IS!!!!'.
All the lucky normal drinkers wouldn't need to really respond. But how I wish all the hundreds of other dysfunctional boozers like me would give sobriety a go. How much happier would so many of them (and their families) be?
Righto, time for a cup of tea after all that yelling. Bye!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Whine and moan...
... and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and whine and moan and aarrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!
That's all I goddam bloody hell do! Quit bloody whining and moaning would ya! Blah blah blah-d-blah.
Right. Good. Now I've got that out of my system I can move on.
I love waking up every morning. I honestly do. I love waking up with no guilt, no dry horrors, no need for panadol, no distractions from what's actually in front of me. I've started feeling way more grateful for the fact that I wake up every morning after a good sleep with no sicky feeling in my guts and ready to start the day.
Ok so sometimes that day contains a bit of stress or grumpiness, but it's not overwhelming. I think I have this belief that to feel grumpy or stressed, and certainly to act to others (my children or husband) like I'm grumpy or stressed, is a FAILURE. I have this stupid long-held belief that it is a FAILURE (use of caps for emphasis, is that too much?!) to be a grump or snappy or shitty. That I am FAILING (that's the last use of caps I promise) if I am anything but cheery and sunny all the time. Well how stupid and dumb is that? I'm going to try harder to stop feeling like that. I mean, I'm also going to try harder to control those moods and not let them 'run away' on me (i.e. get way too shitty or grumpy) but if I do act like that sometimes - well that's just life.
Now, better get studying, I've got a child-free day and should be working on my thesis!
Love, Mrs D xxx
That's all I goddam bloody hell do! Quit bloody whining and moaning would ya! Blah blah blah-d-blah.
Right. Good. Now I've got that out of my system I can move on.
I love waking up every morning. I honestly do. I love waking up with no guilt, no dry horrors, no need for panadol, no distractions from what's actually in front of me. I've started feeling way more grateful for the fact that I wake up every morning after a good sleep with no sicky feeling in my guts and ready to start the day.
Ok so sometimes that day contains a bit of stress or grumpiness, but it's not overwhelming. I think I have this belief that to feel grumpy or stressed, and certainly to act to others (my children or husband) like I'm grumpy or stressed, is a FAILURE. I have this stupid long-held belief that it is a FAILURE (use of caps for emphasis, is that too much?!) to be a grump or snappy or shitty. That I am FAILING (that's the last use of caps I promise) if I am anything but cheery and sunny all the time. Well how stupid and dumb is that? I'm going to try harder to stop feeling like that. I mean, I'm also going to try harder to control those moods and not let them 'run away' on me (i.e. get way too shitty or grumpy) but if I do act like that sometimes - well that's just life.
Now, better get studying, I've got a child-free day and should be working on my thesis!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Saturday, July 7, 2012
How did I manage anything before now??!!
Sometimes I wonder how the hell I managed everything when I was boozing heavily and losing sleep all the time and dealing with hangovers and feeling sick in my guts not to mention spending all that thinking time beating myself up for being terribly dysfunctional.
Last night, Friday night, I didn't have any wine as per my nowadays norm (as opposed to probably a bottle and a half before I quit), had a bath at 8pm, covered my face with night cream and climbed into bed to watch The Voice while reading a recipe magazine (I'm outing myself here as a BORING and TRAGIC housewife but what the hell). Slept soundly until 7am then got up and ... promptly got all stressed and grumpy.
Admittedly I was trying to get to a 9.30am pilates class at the gym for the first time on the weekend which meant I had to leave home at 9am. So I had two hours to get the boys breakfast, get them dressed ready for rugby practice, try to find the pump to pump up their new rugby balls, wrap a birthday present for the Middle Guy's birthday party later in the day, get him started on making a birthday card, put a load of washing through the machine and into the dryer (which is out in the bloody garage in this house), remember to eat breakfast myself, get my gym gear on and pack clothes at a towel etc so I could shower at the gym after the class, empty the dishwasher and put away last nights pots, change the Little Guy's nappy and put clothes on him .. and then get out the bloody door to go to the gym.
I felt really stressed! And snapped at my Little Guy for screaming loudly as I left I drove down the road thinking 'lower your shoulders .. breath'.
So .. I could try and drop the Superwoman act and not do so much next time before the class. Or I could try and do all in a more cruisy manner and not get so stressed and grumpy. Is the stress and grumpiness related to being sober? What would I have been like this morning doing all of that if I wasn't sober.
Ok so clearly I would have never tried to make a Saturday morning gym class before because I would have had a crashing hangover. I would have schlepped around in my dressing gown and had a slow start to the day.
But I'm sure I would have felt happier! Controversial statement there. And anyway I probably wouldn't because of the afore mentioned beating myself up mentally. I'm answering all my own questions here.
The whole reason I'm trying to get to the gym to do classes is to relieve my stress and grumpiness which is around more often because I don't squash everthing down constantly with wine. But I hate being stressed and grumpy more often. I challenge anyone with three young boys not to get pushed to the limit constantly .. but they didn't ask to be born. We chose to have them. So maybe I should just suck up my stress and grumpiness and get on with being a nicer person. Who happens to be sober.
And then I think what the hell am I complaining about, I'm bloody lucky to have the life I have so quit your moaning and cheer up! All I think I can do is press on doing everything I am doing - not drinking, working hard to be a good mother and wife and using my brain when I study and my body when I exercise. All the while attempting to be nice and not grumpy or stressed.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Last night, Friday night, I didn't have any wine as per my nowadays norm (as opposed to probably a bottle and a half before I quit), had a bath at 8pm, covered my face with night cream and climbed into bed to watch The Voice while reading a recipe magazine (I'm outing myself here as a BORING and TRAGIC housewife but what the hell). Slept soundly until 7am then got up and ... promptly got all stressed and grumpy.
Admittedly I was trying to get to a 9.30am pilates class at the gym for the first time on the weekend which meant I had to leave home at 9am. So I had two hours to get the boys breakfast, get them dressed ready for rugby practice, try to find the pump to pump up their new rugby balls, wrap a birthday present for the Middle Guy's birthday party later in the day, get him started on making a birthday card, put a load of washing through the machine and into the dryer (which is out in the bloody garage in this house), remember to eat breakfast myself, get my gym gear on and pack clothes at a towel etc so I could shower at the gym after the class, empty the dishwasher and put away last nights pots, change the Little Guy's nappy and put clothes on him .. and then get out the bloody door to go to the gym.
I felt really stressed! And snapped at my Little Guy for screaming loudly as I left I drove down the road thinking 'lower your shoulders .. breath'.
So .. I could try and drop the Superwoman act and not do so much next time before the class. Or I could try and do all in a more cruisy manner and not get so stressed and grumpy. Is the stress and grumpiness related to being sober? What would I have been like this morning doing all of that if I wasn't sober.
Ok so clearly I would have never tried to make a Saturday morning gym class before because I would have had a crashing hangover. I would have schlepped around in my dressing gown and had a slow start to the day.
But I'm sure I would have felt happier! Controversial statement there. And anyway I probably wouldn't because of the afore mentioned beating myself up mentally. I'm answering all my own questions here.
The whole reason I'm trying to get to the gym to do classes is to relieve my stress and grumpiness which is around more often because I don't squash everthing down constantly with wine. But I hate being stressed and grumpy more often. I challenge anyone with three young boys not to get pushed to the limit constantly .. but they didn't ask to be born. We chose to have them. So maybe I should just suck up my stress and grumpiness and get on with being a nicer person. Who happens to be sober.
And then I think what the hell am I complaining about, I'm bloody lucky to have the life I have so quit your moaning and cheer up! All I think I can do is press on doing everything I am doing - not drinking, working hard to be a good mother and wife and using my brain when I study and my body when I exercise. All the while attempting to be nice and not grumpy or stressed.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
My alternative drink options...
I was showing the babysitter what she could help herself to in the kitchen; '..there's tea here and biscuits in this container. Help yourself to any of these soft drinks in the fridge. This fejoa and pear one is really yummy. I've got lots of these because I don't drink alcohol'. The line just slid off my tongue and felt so good. Really I was saying it by way of explanation because there were quite a few soft drink options in there. Little bottles of tonic (I have that sometimes with ice and a slice of lemon - a virgin G and T!), ginger beer and that fejoa and pear drink which is my current favorite.
I did a huge online grocery shop yesterday to be delivered this morning and bought 3 different four-packs of little bottles of fizzy. I think one of them was a pink grapefruit thing. This is what I do now to have a treaty option if ever I feel like having a 5pm drink.
Although having said that it is bloody cold here in our new city so often I don't feel like something cold and fizzy and that's when I turn to my trust teas. I am addicted to green teas and herbal teas! I have about 4 flavors and some of them are caffeine free which I have in the evening. I sometimes wonder how my body is on the inside now compared with before. I never actually felt ill or sick as the boozy me (aside from when I was hungover).. my body was a well tuned alcohol-processing machine! Surely it must be happier inside now.
Right .. got to get studying. I've got a child free day today and my thesis, long neglected thanks to this relocation, needs some attention!!
Love, Mrs D xxx
I did a huge online grocery shop yesterday to be delivered this morning and bought 3 different four-packs of little bottles of fizzy. I think one of them was a pink grapefruit thing. This is what I do now to have a treaty option if ever I feel like having a 5pm drink.
Although having said that it is bloody cold here in our new city so often I don't feel like something cold and fizzy and that's when I turn to my trust teas. I am addicted to green teas and herbal teas! I have about 4 flavors and some of them are caffeine free which I have in the evening. I sometimes wonder how my body is on the inside now compared with before. I never actually felt ill or sick as the boozy me (aside from when I was hungover).. my body was a well tuned alcohol-processing machine! Surely it must be happier inside now.
Right .. got to get studying. I've got a child free day today and my thesis, long neglected thanks to this relocation, needs some attention!!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Saturday, June 30, 2012
A $50 bar tab...
Sorry I've gotten a bit slack about posting. Not sure if anyone cares but I used to write religiously two times a week and now it's fallen back to once. Partly I think this is because I'm busy putting energy into getting our new house running smoothly and getting life going in our new city. Also I think I was getting a bit sick of having to be a bit low and negative on here all the time. Things weren't really fun there for a while with the house sale and relocation, and I was struggling with some pretty strong emotions that just weren't shifting away.
Also another reason for pulling back on the posting is, I think, that the more time that goes on and the more intrenched my 'non-drinking' habit becomes the more it becomes the norm. Everything isn't so shiny and sober-new any more. New occurrences and instances just aren't happening as often as they used to. It's all a bit same-same now, so I'm not compelled to share as much. I may wrap things up here soon.
But I feel like a re-cap so let me summarise:
I used to drink a shit-load of wine. At home mostly. Found it hard to stop drinking once I began. Glasses were filled to the rim and the top slurped down immediately. Averaging a bottle a night, sometimes less, sometimes more. Would do deals with myself over which nights I could binge and which I'd go easy ('coz I'd like to go to the gym the next day'). From the outside it seemed like a socially acceptable normal-if-not-a-little-enthusiastic drinking habit. But I knew differently, that on the inside it was very very dysfunctional and becoming more so with every passing year. I was obsessed with wine.
Hit my lowest point (a 'high bottom' compared with other bottoms some might say), when I hid a nearly empty bottle of wine from Mr D at the back of our pot cupboard so he didn't know how much I'd had while he'd been out with the boys at scouts. That was it for me. I knew that was the beginning of a very slippery sloop. That the sly wine-drinking fox inside me was beginning to dominate more and more. So I kicked that fox to the curb and haven't touched a drop since September 6th last year.
Since then I have never been seriously tempted to drink. I have wine and beer in the house, even buy it for Mr D and other family members who I know love to drink. I have been to parties, four bloody weddings (can you believe that??!! Four bloody weddings and not even one year sober yet!), red-tie dinners, quiz nights, celebratory lunches and dance parties. I have celebrated Christmas and New Year, birthdays, new jobs, house sales and wedding anniversaries. I have dealt with the stress of selling a house and relocating cities and the grief at leaving a wonderful community of supportive people. And never once have I seriously considered picking up a glass and sipping wine. I do not want to go back to being that boozy woman that I was steadily losing respect for. I do not want to go back to that.
But I was extremely surprised to discover as the months went on that my steady heavy drinking habit was me actually choosing to live life by squashing down emotions, or pushing them aside constantly. If wine is present in my body and affecting my brain I found it easier to cope with everything! I liked having a little mental buzz removing myself ever so slightly (or sometimes majorly) from reality.
Therefore what I have struggled with most is re-learning how to live with everything stripped bare. How to truly live sober. It's sobering being sober. Life is stripped back. Emotions are laid bare. There ain't no hiding from anything no more.
It's fucking fantastic. Make no bones about that. I love being sober. I respect myself, I really enjoy going out and socializing sober and coming home sober and cleaning my face sober and putting on night cream sober and sleeping soberly (deeply and heavily) all night long. I love it. So even when I do whine and moan about being sad or stressed or grumpy or angry, it never means I'm wanting a drink. I'm just feeling - really feeling - that's all.
The quiz night I mentioned before was actually last night. A work function for Mr D's company. Some were boozing pretty hard. Some weren't. I didn't give a toss that I wasn't. But I did have a chuckle to myself when I won a spot-prize of a $50 bar tab!! Ha ha!! If only they all knew. I've given it to Mr D to take his team out for a drink next week. That felt good.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Also another reason for pulling back on the posting is, I think, that the more time that goes on and the more intrenched my 'non-drinking' habit becomes the more it becomes the norm. Everything isn't so shiny and sober-new any more. New occurrences and instances just aren't happening as often as they used to. It's all a bit same-same now, so I'm not compelled to share as much. I may wrap things up here soon.
But I feel like a re-cap so let me summarise:
I used to drink a shit-load of wine. At home mostly. Found it hard to stop drinking once I began. Glasses were filled to the rim and the top slurped down immediately. Averaging a bottle a night, sometimes less, sometimes more. Would do deals with myself over which nights I could binge and which I'd go easy ('coz I'd like to go to the gym the next day'). From the outside it seemed like a socially acceptable normal-if-not-a-little-enthusiastic drinking habit. But I knew differently, that on the inside it was very very dysfunctional and becoming more so with every passing year. I was obsessed with wine.
Hit my lowest point (a 'high bottom' compared with other bottoms some might say), when I hid a nearly empty bottle of wine from Mr D at the back of our pot cupboard so he didn't know how much I'd had while he'd been out with the boys at scouts. That was it for me. I knew that was the beginning of a very slippery sloop. That the sly wine-drinking fox inside me was beginning to dominate more and more. So I kicked that fox to the curb and haven't touched a drop since September 6th last year.
Since then I have never been seriously tempted to drink. I have wine and beer in the house, even buy it for Mr D and other family members who I know love to drink. I have been to parties, four bloody weddings (can you believe that??!! Four bloody weddings and not even one year sober yet!), red-tie dinners, quiz nights, celebratory lunches and dance parties. I have celebrated Christmas and New Year, birthdays, new jobs, house sales and wedding anniversaries. I have dealt with the stress of selling a house and relocating cities and the grief at leaving a wonderful community of supportive people. And never once have I seriously considered picking up a glass and sipping wine. I do not want to go back to being that boozy woman that I was steadily losing respect for. I do not want to go back to that.
But I was extremely surprised to discover as the months went on that my steady heavy drinking habit was me actually choosing to live life by squashing down emotions, or pushing them aside constantly. If wine is present in my body and affecting my brain I found it easier to cope with everything! I liked having a little mental buzz removing myself ever so slightly (or sometimes majorly) from reality.
Therefore what I have struggled with most is re-learning how to live with everything stripped bare. How to truly live sober. It's sobering being sober. Life is stripped back. Emotions are laid bare. There ain't no hiding from anything no more.
It's fucking fantastic. Make no bones about that. I love being sober. I respect myself, I really enjoy going out and socializing sober and coming home sober and cleaning my face sober and putting on night cream sober and sleeping soberly (deeply and heavily) all night long. I love it. So even when I do whine and moan about being sad or stressed or grumpy or angry, it never means I'm wanting a drink. I'm just feeling - really feeling - that's all.
The quiz night I mentioned before was actually last night. A work function for Mr D's company. Some were boozing pretty hard. Some weren't. I didn't give a toss that I wasn't. But I did have a chuckle to myself when I won a spot-prize of a $50 bar tab!! Ha ha!! If only they all knew. I've given it to Mr D to take his team out for a drink next week. That felt good.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Friday, June 22, 2012
Boozing has it's attractions...
In some ways a boozy existence is actually an easier one I reckon. Even though you feel ill a lot of the time and guilty and dysfunctional (which I did), when you booze regularly as a means of emotion suppressing it's easier to live a cruisy, breezy life.
I practiced emotion-suppressing (heavy, steady drinking) for all of my adult life and as a result I was able to sail through times of stress, sadness or hurt relatively easily. I could escape a lot with the help of my companion vino.
As I've written before my boozing was high-functioning boozing. I ran a seemingly healthy life with good relationships but I kept my feelings at bay constantly by always dulling myself with wine. I look now at people still doing that with a bit of envy.
It would be really nice to have an escape. It would be really really nice to be able to reach for something that, in the short term at least, makes life easier to handle. That's the attraction of boozing. That's why we did it. It helps with pain.
So take away the booze and what helps with dealing with that emotional pain? Sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes you just have to feel the goddamn pain and let it out.
For me this means I cry a lot more (I'm getting used to not caring if people see my cry. Not much chance of hiding my tears lately). This also means I'm angrier more and am less tolerant with my kids (especially at the end of a long day). I hate this, it makes me feel really guilty and I'm trying hard to stop doing it while also trying not to beat myself up about it.
What else can you do in place of boozing? Exercise is good I suppose and I am off to a new gym now for my introduction session. Let me be clear about me and exercise. I don't particularly like it. I'm not sporty. I have flat feet. But if I don't exercise I don't feel so good so I put it in my life as a priority because it makes me feel better. Mentally and physically. I usually only go 2 times a week, sometimes 3. But I'm smart enough now to just put it in place and treat it like putting out the garbage. Something that has to be done.
Being sober means I've kind of become more measured, more serious perhaps. I can't be breezy and cheery all the time anymore. I can't suppress emotions, push them aside and pretend (believe) that everything is just fine. Everything isn't fine all of the time and being sober means doing it raw, baby. I said to someone the other day it's like I'm on a mechanical bull of emotion and it's tossing me this way and that. But don't worry, I'm holding tight to the reigns and won't let go.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I practiced emotion-suppressing (heavy, steady drinking) for all of my adult life and as a result I was able to sail through times of stress, sadness or hurt relatively easily. I could escape a lot with the help of my companion vino.
As I've written before my boozing was high-functioning boozing. I ran a seemingly healthy life with good relationships but I kept my feelings at bay constantly by always dulling myself with wine. I look now at people still doing that with a bit of envy.
It would be really nice to have an escape. It would be really really nice to be able to reach for something that, in the short term at least, makes life easier to handle. That's the attraction of boozing. That's why we did it. It helps with pain.
So take away the booze and what helps with dealing with that emotional pain? Sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes you just have to feel the goddamn pain and let it out.
For me this means I cry a lot more (I'm getting used to not caring if people see my cry. Not much chance of hiding my tears lately). This also means I'm angrier more and am less tolerant with my kids (especially at the end of a long day). I hate this, it makes me feel really guilty and I'm trying hard to stop doing it while also trying not to beat myself up about it.
What else can you do in place of boozing? Exercise is good I suppose and I am off to a new gym now for my introduction session. Let me be clear about me and exercise. I don't particularly like it. I'm not sporty. I have flat feet. But if I don't exercise I don't feel so good so I put it in my life as a priority because it makes me feel better. Mentally and physically. I usually only go 2 times a week, sometimes 3. But I'm smart enough now to just put it in place and treat it like putting out the garbage. Something that has to be done.
Being sober means I've kind of become more measured, more serious perhaps. I can't be breezy and cheery all the time anymore. I can't suppress emotions, push them aside and pretend (believe) that everything is just fine. Everything isn't fine all of the time and being sober means doing it raw, baby. I said to someone the other day it's like I'm on a mechanical bull of emotion and it's tossing me this way and that. But don't worry, I'm holding tight to the reigns and won't let go.
Love, Mrs D xxx
Friday, June 15, 2012
Turning a corner
I took my boys in to their new school to visit their classrooms today which was great. Everyone was totally welcoming and the Deputy Principal who was taking us in went to great lengths to introduce me to the teachers and some of the parents as well. One mum in my 5-year-old's class said to me 'I must get your email address because we have a class list and sometimes us parents get together for drinks of an evening.'
So there it was right there .. my reality. I am a new person meeting new people in a new city and there's this fact about me which could be seen as semi-embarrassing or shameful.
But you know what. I honestly just cannot be bothered worrying what anyone is going to think. I just can't waste the energy. It is a bummer. It's a fact. It's part of me. I'm an alcoholic and I no longer drink alcohol because I was finding it too hard to control.
And you know what else, I just can't be bothered fudging it either. If people want to think whatever then let them think whatever. I will be open I think and go along to any social gathering like a normal person (of course I am a normal person but you know what I mean!) and when the actual drinks-being-poured-into-a-glass moment comes I'll say 'no wine for me thanks I don't drink alcohol'. And at that point I'll let the other person decide if they want to show a reaction or ask a question and if they do I'll just be up front and say 'I used to be a very enthusiastic wine drinker but I was finding it harder and harder to control so I've cut it out altogether.'
That is an over-simplification of all the emotional and intellectual work that I have been doing over the past couple of years to building up to stopping and then stopping and re-learning how to live without alcohol. But it is the truth! And if that breezy answer makes the whole process I've been through seem more easy than it has been then that can be my lie. If I make it breezy it won't be a drama, for me or for them.
On another note, I think I've turned a corner in terms of how I'm feeling with the house-sale and relocation and stuff. I have been indulging in two naughty behaviors over the past few weeks to help me deal with the stress and strong emotions - shopping and being piggy. But just in the last couple of days I've felt myself getting stronger again and pulling back from both (refrained from scoffing the last of my 2-year-old's chocolate chip muffin today and decided against buying a crafty rug online for the new family room). I still feel sad and a bit flat... but I'm definitely starting to relax, and am sleeping through the night again for the first time in weeks. Next step - find a gym to join and get exercising again!
Love, Mrs D xxx
So there it was right there .. my reality. I am a new person meeting new people in a new city and there's this fact about me which could be seen as semi-embarrassing or shameful.
But you know what. I honestly just cannot be bothered worrying what anyone is going to think. I just can't waste the energy. It is a bummer. It's a fact. It's part of me. I'm an alcoholic and I no longer drink alcohol because I was finding it too hard to control.
And you know what else, I just can't be bothered fudging it either. If people want to think whatever then let them think whatever. I will be open I think and go along to any social gathering like a normal person (of course I am a normal person but you know what I mean!) and when the actual drinks-being-poured-into-a-glass moment comes I'll say 'no wine for me thanks I don't drink alcohol'. And at that point I'll let the other person decide if they want to show a reaction or ask a question and if they do I'll just be up front and say 'I used to be a very enthusiastic wine drinker but I was finding it harder and harder to control so I've cut it out altogether.'
That is an over-simplification of all the emotional and intellectual work that I have been doing over the past couple of years to building up to stopping and then stopping and re-learning how to live without alcohol. But it is the truth! And if that breezy answer makes the whole process I've been through seem more easy than it has been then that can be my lie. If I make it breezy it won't be a drama, for me or for them.
On another note, I think I've turned a corner in terms of how I'm feeling with the house-sale and relocation and stuff. I have been indulging in two naughty behaviors over the past few weeks to help me deal with the stress and strong emotions - shopping and being piggy. But just in the last couple of days I've felt myself getting stronger again and pulling back from both (refrained from scoffing the last of my 2-year-old's chocolate chip muffin today and decided against buying a crafty rug online for the new family room). I still feel sad and a bit flat... but I'm definitely starting to relax, and am sleeping through the night again for the first time in weeks. Next step - find a gym to join and get exercising again!
Love, Mrs D xxx
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