Itchy and scratchy

I'm feeling a bit itchy and scratchy at the moment. Restless and bored. I need something new in my life. A new job. A new project. A new something-a-rather. I have no idea what. I'm a bit stuck and bored of my work and stuff. It's not the end of the world but I need some change, I'm aware of that.

I'm scratching around at the edges looking for new opportunities, not hustling like a mad woman but poking my nose in a few places. I'd love to be in the right place doing something stimulating and engaging, interacting with cool people, feeling valued and busy. That's what I'd like.

But I'd also like to be very available at home to parent my sons. So I need to find a balance. Hopefully something right will come along. Maybe it will take a wee while and I just have to be patient in the meantime and enjoy what I do have. Count my blessings.

* Good health
* Happy family
* Some work that is rewarding (but not enough)
* A robust sobriety

And it is that last point that will see me right most of all. Because I am sober and 100% present in my life and grounded in the truth I won't stagnate and get bitter or too miserable. I'll stay alert to my circumstance and slowly work to change things around.

Sobriety means never staying stuck. It's impossible to avoid anything in sobriety. That's what makes it so hard sometimes! But ultimately so great because you tend to work to fix things rather than leave them be for months and years.

So I'll just try to sit in my truth, push out at the edges to try find something new, and enjoy what I do have going on the meantime.

On another note we went to a wedding last weekend and a brilliant time. Lots of chatting and feeling the love but most of all DANCING! I danced for hours and hours to a brilliant guitarist that had the whole party on the dance floor. I don't know how one man and his guitar managed to sound like a fantastic DJ and live band at the same time but he did! So great.

I didn't spend the evening wishing I was boozing like most others were at the event. I am so happy in my sober skin and extremely grateful to be living a life far removed from the boozy, disconnected one I was over six years ago.

I don't miss the sloppy, drunk, emotionally stunted version of myself at all.

Love, Mrs D xxx

P.S. This is a photo montage I made of the event for my Facebook page.

A new parenting phase..

There are many times that I feel supremely grateful to be sober, but none more so than this week.

Our eldest boy has just started high school. So it has been a week of tension and stress (him) and emotion and busyness (me). I've been helping organise his stationery and get his uniform together, I've sat through welcome ceremonies and deciphered timetables. It all feels quite new and exciting for all of us and I'm so proud of our boy. But boy he can be grumpy when he's tired and under pressure!

He hates getting up early in the morning so rising to be out the door by 7.30am is a shock to the system. He's been going to his new school for 3 days but today is the first day that all of the school year groups are in attendance (all those much bigger boys!) so I got up early to make some muffins (because I'm a domestic goddess ha ha).

6.45am and I was pottering around the kitchen with the dog. The sun was rising over the hills out our kitchen window and my mug of peppermint tea was delicious. I felt so grateful to be hangover free and clear-headed. I felt so grateful to have my feet fully on the ground as my son enters this new phase of his life. It was a lovely peaceful time.

Unfortunately the peace was soon shattered. I was informed that the PE gear needed to be washed so quickly did it by hand and shoved it in the dryer. Unfortunately this meant that it was still damp when it was time to go.. so despite my motherly brilliance with the muffins ultimately I was just the biggest annoying pain in the arse ever and son left the house grumpy.

Sigh.

I think parenting teenagers is going to be hard work. A huge exercise in staying calm, taking shit but not too much and organising and sorting but not too much (or else how are they going to learn? He should have given me his stinky PE gear last night!).

But I'm up for it, and so grateful that I'm entering these years as a sober woman, not a boozy disconnected lush. I know it's going to be a rollercoaster and I'm going to handle things badly at times and have motherly guilt and regret. But that's ok too. I'm sober, not perfect. And that's perfectly ok.

But right now.. having waved my grumpy boy off ("a wet PE top is better than a stinky one!"), and written this post, I think I'm going to crawl back into bed with a book. Self care right there. I deserve it.

Love, Mrs D xxx

My fantastic New Years Eve..

This New Year's Eve was the best I have had for many years. So, so good. I just wish I could go back there tonight and do it all over again, it was that good. It was soul restoring. It was epic.

To be honest the lead up wasn't great. During the day on the 31st I was not that jazzed about the whole thing. We were camping with 4 other families by the beach having a very relaxing and lovely time but I kept thinking to myself all day I wished I could just crawl into my tent and go to bed at the normal time and not have to force myself to stay up till midnight.

I just hate that New Year's Eve comes with such a massive weight of expectation like it has to be the MOST FUN night to rival all other nights of the year. I could probably just relax about that thought process but don't seem to be able to. Maybe I'm too fond of my early nights?

And of course I'm aware that for many people on the planet (including me for 20+ years) the main way to ensure a blinder of a New Year's Eve is to sink lots of piss and get blotto.

But now I don't drink and I've retrained my brain to see that drunk does not equal fun... it's just drunk, and there are many wonderful, natural ways to have fun that don't require chemical enhancement. But for some stupid reason I still feel that NYE pressure to somehow elevate the evening to something great.. and frankly I can't really be bothered.

Anyway, "it is what it is" I told myself in the lead-up and just prepared to get through the evening having a good time knowing that the pressure would soon be off. Little did I know that magic would happen for me although I'd have to wait until after midnight for it to properly kick in.

Early in the evening we had a camp concert that involved a variety of performances (a couple of which I took part in) and that was cool. Then we had a disco with everyone jumping around to a strange mix of poppy dance tunes. Then the guitars came out and we had a singalong. That was all good fun.

But by 11.30pm I was tired, half the kids had crashed out.. some of the adults were a bit boozed.. I was struggling to avoid eating chocolate (and didn't manage to do so, scoffing many Maltesers before midnight), and my air bed had never looked so good. I would have quite happily slipped off to retire at that point.

Soon enough midnight arrived and we all hugged and whooped along with others in the campsite. The last few kids were put to bed and I figured I'd slip away pretty quickly myself.

But then the magic happened.

We had our Megaboom speaker sitting on the sand in between our tents and the music got changed from cheesy kid-friendly hits to more cruisy dancy/trancy/techno beats. And suddenly I got my dance on.

Big time.

I danced. I danced and I danced and I danced. I danced non-stop for over an hour standing under the moonlight with my feet in the sand, a glow stick in each hand and my eyes mostly shut. I totally just got into the groove with the music and danced. I swayed, ducked, bobbed, twirled, waved and moved. It was utterly fantastic.

By this stage there were just us adults - 10 of us - standing around the speaker like it was a bonfire. Everyone was mello, chatting in twos or threes or just grooving along to the music like I was. OMG I don't know how to explain it but the hour of dancing I did between midnight and 1am was amazing and utterly soul restoring. I felt so comfortable, didn't care what I looked like or what anyone thought of me. I was fully relaxed with our friends, fully relaxed in my own skin, fully into the music and just so, so happy.

Grooving, moving, swaying, ducking, diving and waving. I pointed and swished and waved my glow sticks non-stop. A few times I joked that I was directing airplanes like a ground controller at the airport and bent my arms like that! Also made big circles around and around and did quick flicks to make the glow sticks blur. In fact, now that I write I think it was the glow sticks in my hand that gave me so much joy. I was all about waving my arms to move them in time with the beat.

So, so, so happy. It was the best dance I have had in AGES and as a result the best New Year's I have had in AGES. Dancing in the half light with a great group of friends, totally relaxed in the outdoors with fantastic tunes and NO. BOOZE. REQUIRED.

Proof once again that alcohol isn't required to have a fun time. A fun time comes when all the elements inherent in the moment collide to produce genuine feelings of pleasure and happiness.

Happy Sober 2018 to everyone out in cyber-land who is brave enough to dig deep to remove alcohol and live in the raw 100% of the time. It's hard work at first getting sober, but so worth it. Worth it for magical nights like my New Year's Eve. I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

Love, Mrs D xxx

I'm not judging you lady!

So far so good on the being-happily-sober-during-the-silly-season front. I've been out to a few parties and gatherings and haven't felt the slightest urge to drink. Sometimes I wonder if people are avoiding me because I'm not drinking but then I think if they are it's their choice and that's fine. Maybe some people do think being sober is lame and therefore I'm lame too.. if that's their opinion then that's their issue and I can't do anything about it.

I did have one woman at a BBQ catch me glancing at her right as she was refilling her glass of bubbles and when she saw me she said "don't look". I didn't even know her! Why didn't she want me to look? Does she think I'm the alcohol police? I'm not the bloody alcohol police I'm a recovering alcoholic!

Having said that I do have to recognise that it's been my choice to go public about my sobriety and to continuously promote recovery online and in the media. I do always try to maintain a tone which is not anti-alcohol but rather pro people like me who can't moderate.

I want to reach people who might be secretly worried about their own drinking, feeling stuck and alone like I was. I want them to know they're not alone. I want to talk to people who are in the early stages of quitting and let them know there's a whole gang of us out there also living alcohol free.

What I don't ever want to do is make people feel bad for drinking or make them think I'm judging or criticising their habits. I'm not because other people's drinking habits are none of my business.

Also - it's impossible to know the truth about someone's drinking just from seeing them out at an event. Maybe that woman filling her glass at the BBQ was having her one big night of the year - good on her! Maybe she drinks more often than that but is totally comfortable with her intake and isn't hurting anyone - good on her! Not my business.

Seriously - I am not in the business of thinking that everyone on the planet needs to quit drinking (but OMG could you image if we lived in that world!). All I want to do is be honest about my own dysfunctional relationship with alcohol because I believe the more we all share honestly the better it is for everyone. I want there to be an honest dialogue about how alcohol isn't a fun, harmless substance for everyone. I want it to be common knowledge there are a lot of humans who struggle to control it, and I want there to be no stigma about that.

And most of all I want anyone who might be considering quitting to know that while it's hard work it's very doable and in the long run so much better!

I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I'd continued on the path I was on. In the year or so before I quit my drinking was escalating at a very fast rate. So by now I would be likely drinking more daily, I would be fatter, more bloated, more cut off from my emotions, more disconnected from my family and less in touch with everything and everyone around me.

Thank goodness that's not the case and I'm now sober and happy in my personal choice to remove alcohol from my life.

I'm just concentrating on me, and I feel great about my decision to put down the bottle 2297 days ago.

Merry Christmas!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Sad pangs and fancy parties

I had a strange sad pang the other night. I was watching a movie on Netflix and in it there was a big party scene at what looked like a totally fun and amazing rooftop location in New York. It was all fairy lights and hip people and fancy cocktails and groovy music and people having just the best time ever (because that's how it always looks in these super stylised movie scenes), and I suddenly felt really sad that I'm never going to cut loose at a party ever again.

It was a total feeling of sadness. Poor sober me missing out on all those future fun times. Never again will I be throwing caution to the wind and drinking too many champagnes. Never again will I get that naughty twinkle in my eye along with others that I'm indulging and having fun with.

Never again will I numb out, switch off, blur the edges and party the night away.

This sad pang lasted for about two minutes (I flipped the script pretty quickly and reminded myself of all my truths) but it was real and I can remember the feeling even now 3 days later. It didn't totally knock me back and I never even for one nano-second thought about actually drinking any shit booze but the sad pang was there I have to be honest.

Then last night we went to an actual fancy party at a big fancy house. It was a formal cocktail event, invite only with a security guard on the gate checking names off and staff greeting us at the door (Mr D's got the invite through his work). There was a bar in the foyer serving fancy cocktails and then another bar through on the veranda where everyone was standing with non-stop cocktail making going on there as well. Plus waiters were walking around with bottles of bubbles and wine all night. Everyone was dressed up and I had a new frock on which made me feel good.

So it was formal but also quite a loose party with booze flowing, coloured lights and a DJ playing great tunes. The night was buzzing. I took control of my drinks right from the outset and asked for my fizzy water to be served in a champagne flute which was satisfying enough. Later I had a lemon, lime and bitters and finally a ginger beer.

It was interesting to see how the night felt given my sad pang earlier in the week. It actually went fine.

I didn't give a toss that others were boozing, didn't wish I was, didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable. I had nice chats with people, met some nice people, felt fine overall. It was never going to be a complete blinder for me because aside from Mr D I didn't have any loved ones there. No close friends, no family. Not my tribe.

We lasted 4 hours and by then people were starting to dance (which I wasn't really in the mood for) and get a little bit sloppier. Nothing terrible.. but I felt very sober and was ready to go home. My feet hurt a bit and I was all talked out. So Mr D and I said our goodbyes and left.

I drove home, took off my makeup, then slept for 8 hours straight. Woke up this morning with no hangover, no guilt and no sad pangs about my sober lifestyle.

I'm ok with being a non-drinker. I'm ok that I'll never cut loose at a party with booze in my blood. What I have gained in recovery more than makes up for any brief sad pangs that I might have in the future.  I love feeling grounded and connected with myself, my kids, my family and my true friends. I love trusting myself in every scenario. It's all good.

And roof top parties in New York are probably overrated anyway.

Love, Mrs D xxx

I will never stop working on myself...

Ok so it took me a few days to recover from my sugar binge.. was battling cravings for a while there and let some more sugar/crap in here and there. Jeepers it's bloody scary how my brain just latches on and craves more, more, more when I open up and allow the stuff in. I am such a bloody addict.

But anyway I have resisted because I AM NOT LETTING THAT SHIT BACK IN AND I AM NOT GOING BACK TO LIVING LOST IN A SEA OF CRAP SUBSTANCES THAT DO NOTHING GOOD FOR MY BODY OR MIND (sorry for yelling but am very determined to get on top of my demons and live with a brain free from cravings and compulsions).

And sure enough after resisting for long enough (usually about 3 days) I am once again cravings free and am able to spend my evenings thinking about what I want to think about and not just thinking about whether or not I'm going to eat sugar/floury crap.

I was describing to some non-addict friends the other day how all consuming and boring it is inside my head when I am a slave to my cravings. How I will literally spend an evening looking and acting normally but privately inside my head I am just thinking, thinking, thinking about the substance I want to get hold of. Used to be alcohol obviously (but that ship has sailed yippee!), but more lately it's definitely been the flour/sugary foods that I respond to in the same way.

I know this sounds like "first world problems" (I hate that saying), i.e. not that bad or at least like nothing 'special' because everyone has this issue given we're all waking up to the evils of sugar and processed foods. But this is my reality and this is what I am dealing with and I'm facing up to it. My eyes are WIDE open to how I operate emotionally and physically and that my brain responds very dramatically to addictive substances. And living as a woman 'in recovery' for me means not just abstaining from my No. 1 vice (booze) but also from other things that put me back in that cravings/binging/regret cycle.

Stuck, stuck, stuck.

So bugger anyone who thinks I'm whining about nothing much. For me I am at my most peaceful and calm inside myself when I am abstaining and free from cravings, and that in turn makes me the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend that I can be. Hence I will not stop working on myself.

Of course other things are going on, I'm a bit stressed and busy, Mr D has just flown away for a week for work.. life stuff is happening and my emotions are up and down. But in working on myself as I am I'm giving myself the best shot I can at managing life on life's terms (to use a well worn cliche), am riding the waves naturally and with a good, honest intent.. and for that I'm very proud.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Lollies, lollies everywhere!!!

Last night I had the biggest sugar binge known to mankind. It was totally reckless and crazy, especially given I've been about 3 and a half months mostly sugar and flour free. Have been doing incredibly well with my food - finally after 6 years of sobriety! - thanks to the Bright Line Eating book by Dr Susan Peirce Thompson. I've been following her plan to the letter, have been free of cravings and guilt and have lost 7kg (that's over 15 pounds for you lot overseas).

But yesterday afternoon I was sitting at the pool while my son had his swimming lesson and my whole body was aching thanks to a sore back I got over the weekend sleeping on a shitty bed, a heavy period and just general hunger and tiredness. I got home and ate a small dinner then without even deciding to I hooked into some leftover lollies from our weekend away and just ATE THEM ALL LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN!

I didn't even care! I hid in my bedroom and went crazy. Mini bag after mini bag I tore open and shoved them in my gob. My mouth and tongue hurt, my fingers were sticky, I knew that I'd feel sick afterwards and really bad this morning but I just kept going. More, more, more, more, more.

Then I fell asleep surrounded by empty packets and woke up with candy stuck in my hair. I'm not even joking.

But you know what? I'm not beating myself up. I am not. I am treating myself with kindness and understanding because if nothing else over the 6 years of being sober I have learned that this is the most important thing. To pick yourself up with kindness, to forge ahead knowing and accepting that you're not perfect and never will be. To acknowledge that being a human is hard fucking work and sometimes hormones and exhaustion and general over-it feelings about life will be overwhelming. And to know that a binge does not equal me going back into a world of crappy habits.

I am learning so much about myself and my brain and how I work and who I am. I am a vastly different, much more wide-awake person than I was when I first started on my recovery journey. I have come SUCH a long way, and have been through such immense personal growth.. like seriously what I have learnt and what I have done in turning my life around is fucking impressive and it's impacted not only me but all my loved ones.

So one almighty, colossal sugar binge is not going to suddenly send me backwards.. it's simply not possible for me to go back to who I was before. I know too much, understand too much, feel too different and have new habits and desires.

I do have a bit of a sick feeling in my tummy but today will be back to a normal day for me food-wise. Lots of veggies and protein and herbal tea and little bits of fruit and fat. Emotionally I'm still a bit tender and physically I'm still a bit sore.. so loving kindness for me all day. And understanding.

I'm not perfect and that's perfectly ok.

And lollies aren't all they're cracked out to be anyway.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Out of the darkness and into the light..

I know Facebook can be a tricky place emotionally for us sober people.

Sometimes I see photos of people I know out in town having drinkies, or families I know having BBQs together, and it can make me feel a bit sad and left out like being sober has cut me out of the fun. Usually I get hit with these sad and left-out feelings when I'm tired or low in mood already. If I'm in a good strong place I see those images and don't give a jot. So I can usually quickly flip my sad and left-out feelings around to recognise where I'm at emotionally and that helps.

I've also had experiences when I've been interviewed for a newspaper article about something to do with sobriety or my books or whatever.. and that media company has shared the link on their Facebook page and the comments section underneath the post has been less than kind (especially when I dared to suggest that taking alcohol out of the supermarkets would be a nice recognition that alcohol isn't a harmless ordinary commodity for some of us). Some people can be very unkind and, frankly, downright rude and awful when they comment on such posts. That is Facebook at it's worst.

But I have to say that on my own Facebook page (which is called Mrs D Is Going Without) I am constantly blown away by how lovely and kind everyone is! I just published a post there yesterday which was called 'Twenty reasons why hangover free weekend mornings are the best' and it's had a very awesome response.

I'm most surprised at how honest people are being on Facebook about their own situation. I thought Facebook would be a tricky place for people to open up about their struggles with alcohol because it's so public. But maybe the tide is turning and more people are feeling unashamed to admit that they have a problem. Certainly on my Facebook page it seems like more people are comfortable stating they've faced up to the fact that alcohol is causing grief in their life, they've working hard to take it away and now they feel so much better without it!

And that's the best thing about more people being honest in public, it starts to broaden the message and get it more out there that not only is it possible to live without alcohol but preferable! When I was stuck in a boozy hell-hole I only had a very vague notion that people got sober and got happy.. mostly I was just brainwashed to think that alcohol was necessary for a fun, full life and living without it would lead to abject misery and boredom.

IT'S JUST NOT TRUE! I don't touch alcohol ever, don't miss it and have a great, full life! And now it seems to me more people are publicly backing this up and agreeing. That's so great! Because for every one person being honest on Facebook there are probably 15 more who are lurking and still feeling lonely and stuck and perhaps ashamed (they shouldn't - there is no shame in getting addicted to something that is addictive. That doesn't make us bad or weak people.) And if those lurkers can see more people expressing joy and freedom at living alcohol free perhaps they'll feel strengthened to give it a go as well.

And that's what this is all about. That is why I blog and Facebook and Instagram and Tweet and run Living Sober.. to drag more people out of a boozy hell and into sobriety. Come out of the darkness and into the light. Leave that shitty liquid behind that is lying to you, stifling your inner spark and numbing your emotions.. and start to live sober.

Raw, real, recovered. I highly recommend it.

Love, Mrs D xxx

The big adjustment

If you are embarking on a mission to remove alcohol from your life and get sober, it's no understatement to say it's probably going to be one of the most monumental processes you're ever going to go through.

I remember when I first quit drinking it was like I was an intergalactic traveller that had been plonked down on an entirely different planet. I moved around as though I was hindered by a ginormous spacesuit, struggling to interact with others or even sit comfortably with myself for any length of time.

I lurched from emotional state to emotional state - one minute deeply sad, the next irate, then nervy, followed closely by bored. Anything slightly troublesome or problematic caused me to jerk uncomfortably into action. I'd frantically look around for some sort of remedy for my woes.

Oh, I'm sad! I need something to take this sadness away!

Yikes, I'm grumpy! Quick help me deal with this anger!

OMG I'm bored! How can I make this boredom go away!

I was looking for quick fixes. Fast solutions. Easy remedies. Because of course that is what I was used to. My usual fix/solution/remedy to any sort of feeling (but especially the uncomfortable ones) was just one pour away. It was alcohol. Alcohol had always been my main man, my go-to problem solver, my beloved cure-all.

So with alcohol out of the picture and life stuff keeping on happening, the biggest adjustment for me was learning how to relax about my feelings and stop grasping for instant solutions. To put it bluntly I had to learn how to chill out and slow the fuck down.

And this is the big adjustment in sobriety I think. This is the crux of what getting quitting booze is all about. When we remove our liquid solution we have to learn to relax into whatever is going on - as uncomfortable as it may be - allow it to occur, allow feelings to be just as they are, trust that things will shift and change, and chill.

Sounds easy but in practice it is not and I have to be honest and say it took me an awfully long time to do this. But now, six years after my last drink, I am a far more chilled out version of myself than I ever was. I am used to feeling the whole range of my emotions. I have stopped looking for something, anything, to help me deal with shit. I have relaxed.

There's a great mindfulness saying which is 'respond don't react' which would make a very good mantra for people getting sober. When we're in active addiction we are reacting constantly - taking quick actions based on immediate, surface feelings. The problem is when we do this we aren't pausing to give the wise, calm parts of ourselves a change to get involved. Acting responsively, on the other hand, is much better because we're pausing to take stock and giving ourselves time to respond in a calmer and more considered way.

To live reactively is quick and hard. To live responsively is gentle and soft.

To live as a boozer is quick and hard. To live sober is gentle and soft.

This is the big adjustment. It takes time and it takes work. But know that the longer you go not drinking the more naturally you will calm down into a more responsive way of living.

And trust me, that's a great way to be.

Love, Mrs D xxx

SIX!!! (a mighty fine number of sober years).

Heading for a big Soberversary and am quite excited about that. In 3 days time I will be SIX years sober!! Woo Hoo!!

Soberversaries are funny things though.. especially early on I remember building up to them and being weirdly let down when they failed to deliver anything particularly special. There was always that realisation that it's just another sober day in a long line of sober days.. and that celebrations aren't the big (boozy) things that they used to be.

Because lets face it - any celebration in my former life would involve champagne - like somehow adding bubbles to alcohol made it more festive. I suppose bubbles are festive but you know what I mean... celebrations were just another excuse for me to drink more than I usually did.

But as the years have gone by and I've settled into my sober life I've gotten used to more gentle and subtle emotions, and in doing so I've come to enjoy Soberversaries for their authentic nature. They're not artificially forced high points that come from a bottle. They're authentic and meaningful which is far more satisfying ... and I appreciate everything they provide.

They provide me with an opportunity to reflect on how far I've come.

They provide me with an increased appreciation for having left my disconnected boozy lifestyle behind.

They provide me with a day full of quiet pride and joy.

They provide me with a reason to treat myself in little special ways.

They provide me with an excuse to shout my achievement on social media which hopefully helps others.

And they provide me with a new lovely number to claim for my own. And boy do I love watching that number climb.

SIX! What a mighty fine number of sober years that is. I love how it keeps climbing. I can't wait to get to 10, 15.. even 20 years!!!!!! I love being in long-term recovery. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Not saying it's fun and easy all the time - no way. But being sober is incredibly rewarding precisely because it's hard bloody work a lot of the time.

And we all know hard work never killed anybody and I'm certainly up for the challenge of life in the raw every single day.

Love, Mrs D xxx