Somebody told me he was on Ellen yesterday talking about becoming sober, and that he'd been really lovely and funny and interesting on learning to live with emotions etc..
I'd missed the show (we get it a few days late here in NZ, they send the tape over on carrier pigeon ha ha) so after I'd finished watching American Idol I climbed into bed with the laptop to try and find Arquette and Ellen on YouTube.
(I should add here that my sober Friday night with Idol had also included almost an entire packet of mini mallow puffs. Naughty, naughty.)
But back to my laptop. There was only a truncated clip from Ellen, so I ended up surfing around YouTube looking for 'David Arquette sober', then 'Being sober' and 'help with alcohol'. Found some interesting clips, and some tragic ones. Then came across a whole bunch of Intervention clips. I love that show! I used to watch it when I was still drinking, when I was starting to educate myself about addiction and recovery, just as I used to watch Celebrity Rehab for the same reason (tragic but true).
I ended up watching this terribly sad episode about an alcoholic called Pam who was swigging vodka from a hip flask out of her fridge and trying her hardest to ruin all the relationships around her. She was a sad, tragic figure, dead on the inside, so so wounded and just so so drunk all the time. Mr D had by now come to bed and was sleeping beside me as I watched with the volume down low and tears dribbling down my cheeks.
Oh I just felt so sad for that Pam, so sad for people feeling powerless and worrying sick about alcoholics they know, and so sad for all the bloggers I read .. some craving, some relapsing, many struggling with learning how to live with the booze stripped away.
And then I started to feel really scared and insecure like 'Holy Cow that demon drink had its clutches hooked right into me how the hell did I get out?!" I was thinking about how I was so used to being affected by alcohol it was almost like a comfort for me, to feel that way, warm on the inside, brain bent. I liked that feeling (obviously I did because I drank all the time). So how come it was impossible for me to live a drinkers life of denial? I just ... well to be honest and use a well worn cliche .. I just felt so so thankful that I was free of it. I almost don't know how I did it but thank the good lord in heaven I did.
And the other thing is, you know, I had NO IDEA what was to unfold when I gave up drink. Despite all my self-teaching beforehand, I honestly didn't know that my heavy steady drinking was me choosing to live life without fully dealing with my emotions. I didn't know that! I thought I was battling a physical addiction, but now I see it as more of an emotional issue. And when people ask me what's hard about being sober, I say 're-learning how to live with all my emotions stripped bare. Feeling moods, acknowledging them, sitting with them and waiting for them to pass.' It's like a whole different way to live.
And all I want to say to all the lovely addicted people trying to live sober is; Keep on. Keep on. Keep on. Hold on tight, you're in for a bumpy ride. But Keep On and things will start to smooth out. We're all bigger than that bloody alcohol. Just get rid of it.
Love, Mrs D xxx