I'm feeling really lovely and calm right now, in regards to my sobriety, and think last weekend was quite significant.
Firstly because all the stressing I did in the weeks leading up to this Hens party bought me to a realization that my place in the world has shifted slightly because of giving up the booze. That was another 'clunk' in my brain towards total acceptance.
Secondly I accepted that sometimes I just wasn't going to do things if doing them sober would be too much of a trial. That feels really good, and I'm fully prepared now to opt out if I ever want to.
But thirdly and mainly, because despite all this I decided I would go - for my friend and because I was really hoping to get a dance - and everything worked out great! So I'm feeling really happy now with no regrets. In fact I'm even wondering how the night would have been better if I had been drinking?
I've got to be careful here because in the past I've gotten a bit cocky and comfortable about living sober and then had the sly wine-drinking fox that lurks in my brain come to try and win my thoughts over.
If I want to be reminded of that boozy Mrs D I just have to take a look at my living room wall. We've just taken down a big shelving unit to make way for a desk that I can write my thesis at, and behind it is an ugly purple stain dribbling down in little trails. Red wine. Red wine that came out of a glass one of the kids knocked out of my hand one night. I remember being very angry because it was the last wine that was left in the house that night. Shock horror! Knowing me then I probably raced out and bought another bottle. If I didn't feel 'full' (drunk) I couldn't stop.
Speaking of boozy Mrs D, or 'naughty fun Mrs D' as I keep calling her, I've been analyzing her a bit this week. A friend is studying psychosynthesis and told me about this exercise they did on one of her courses. You stand still and think of a sub-personality you have, and take that sub-personality out of yourself and stand them next to you. So for me I would take 'naughty fun Mrs D' out and stand her next to me. Then you look at that person, that part of you and think about what it is they need.
What did naughty, fun Mrs D need? To feel special and outside of societal norms? To escape ordinary life? To always be having fun? (even after it stopped being fun). To cope with insecurities and a lack of self-confidence? I'm not sure yet. But I like looking at her and trying to work her out. She's my boozy persona, is she going to fade away? Or come back into me in another form? Not sure.
Love, Mrs D xxx