Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Feeling calm...

I'm feeling really lovely and calm right now, in regards to my sobriety, and think last weekend was quite significant.

Firstly because all the stressing I did in the weeks leading up to this Hens party bought me to a realization that my place in the world has shifted slightly because of giving up the booze.  That was another 'clunk' in my brain towards total acceptance.

Secondly I accepted that sometimes I just wasn't going to do things if doing them sober would be too much of a trial.  That feels really good, and I'm fully prepared now to opt out if I ever want to.

But thirdly and mainly, because despite all this I decided I would go - for my friend and because I was really hoping to get a dance - and everything worked out great!  So I'm feeling really happy now with no  regrets.  In fact I'm even wondering how the night would have been better if I had been drinking?

I've got to be careful here because in the past I've gotten a bit cocky and comfortable about living sober and then had the sly wine-drinking fox that lurks in my brain come to try and win my thoughts over.

If I want to be reminded of that boozy Mrs D I just have to take a look at my living room wall. We've just taken down a big shelving unit to make way for a desk that I can write my thesis at, and behind it is an ugly  purple stain dribbling down in little trails.  Red wine.  Red wine that came out of a glass one of the kids knocked out of my hand one night.  I remember being very angry because it was the last wine that was left in the house that night.  Shock horror!  Knowing me then I probably raced out and bought another bottle.  If I didn't feel 'full' (drunk) I couldn't stop.

Speaking of boozy Mrs D, or 'naughty fun Mrs D' as I keep calling her, I've been analyzing her a bit this week.  A friend is studying psychosynthesis and told me about this exercise they did on one of her courses.  You stand still and think of a sub-personality you have, and take that sub-personality out of yourself and stand them next to you.  So for me I would take 'naughty fun Mrs D' out and stand her next to me.  Then you look at that person, that part of you and think about what it is they need.

What did naughty, fun Mrs D need?  To feel special and outside of societal norms? To escape ordinary life?  To always be having fun? (even after it stopped being fun).  To cope with insecurities and a lack of self-confidence?  I'm not sure yet.  But I like looking at her and trying to work her out.  She's my boozy persona, is she going to fade away?  Or come back into me in another form?  Not sure.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. ..Very deep and analytical stuff there!! (the exercise)... useful though,especially taking a step back and looking at your other persona! Will be good to work her out huh? I'm sitting here thinking about doing it on ME .. heeehe. Will be very interesting!

    You're doing so amazingly well. I have a good friend who struggles with the bottle..and I have been discussing your journey and your blog too, so I wouldn't mind betting she'll be coming over to check you out at some stage!! I told her that your blog has helped me to "see" her struggle. I guess not having "been there done that" I could at times have seemed unsympathetic, and probably a little judgemental....... so thanks for removing the blinkers from my eyes and helping me to understand and love my friend more! I know she's very thankful for it! ;)

  2. Great questions and a great exercise. I think Drunk Sloppy Sherry was looking to fill a hole in her soul created a long, long time ago. Plus all that other stuff about being cool, and fitting in and such.

    I'm not sure where mine is going either. At first I just wanted to kill her and dispose of the body. Now I think I'd like to just extract any of the good stuff (if I can find any) and get rid of the rest.

    I guess time will tell. Good luck with your sub-personality!


  3. So glad to hear you're in a good place. Your posts are often so uplifting and inspiring...a strong sense of gratefulness shines through. Keep up the great work!

  4. Instantly after picturing myself with that exercise... I became sad and vulnerable for the girl that stood there looking back at me. That is an incredibly powerful suggestion to make. Sub-persona. Wow, I seen one of them in myself yesterday that I didn't like and would like to challenge. Defensive, egotistical and high strung woman has needs too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are such a valuable part of this experience for me Mrs. D.

  5. Hi, I just found this blog and have read your techniques, briliant. I needed to read that today as I've just done 35 days off heroin after 12 yrs addiction and the last few days I've struggled. I didn't give in but I did have to fight. Thankyou for sharing your story and your techniques. Invalueable stuff. LOvingyour blog already.

  6. Hello, First time I have found your blog and its powerful. I am not an alcoholic am actually a trainee professional within alcohol and drugs over in the UK. I also have my own website called myroutetohelp I enjoy reading your articles as its something I encourage on my own website. Take care