What did I say about not getting to smug? Yesterday Mr D bought wine home from work, first time for a while as he's had a heavy cold and hasn't been drinking much. These bottles will last him at least a week it must be said. But anyhow there they were clinking in the bag as he put them on the bench.
He poured a glass of Chardonnay and (this is going to sound cheesy) it was a sunny evening and the sun was shining through and across the kitchen bench and his glass was lit up all golden and inviting. It was definitely the romantic picture of alcohol. End of the day, happy mood, sun shining, nice rewarding wine.
I pushed through and worked my brain to remind myself this romantic picture of booze is not my reality of alcohol any more and never would be again. Also reminding myself that I could still have that same picture, (end of the day, happy mood, sun shining, nice rewarding drink) and the fact of it being alcoholic or not didn't detract from the scene. I even stuck my nose in the glass to see what my reaction would be and the smell took me back to an unhappy place. Oh my god I am so pleased to be past being constantly obsessed with wine, how much to get, drinking drinking drinking, the guilt, the obsession again.
But I did have an 'emotional tummy' (not sure how else to explain that) and that emotional tummy stayed with me right up until I got into bed to finish my book.
This is the book 'Unhooked: How to quit anything' by Dr Frederick Woolverton and Susan Shapiro which I've been really really enjoying. He's quite a full on addiction therapist who doesn't believe in pussy-footing around people who are seriously hooked on a substance. He's really blunt and gets really stuck in with practical and direct instructions for people who need help re-learning how to live without their crutch of choice. He's got these really meaty case-studies (he says they're stories of past patients but I'm sure they're made up) to help illustrate the point he's making in each chapter. Great reading for someone like me who is addicted to stories of recovery.
Anyhow one of his big recommendations to patients wanting to quit an addiction is to start writing every day. Write your feelings, your food and drug intake, your plans, dreams, hopes, frustrations, favorite songs. He says write write write, be honest and write. Well yay! That's what I've been doing with this blog so chalk up one to me.
But then .. and this got me mad .. he says that quitting an addiction cold turkey by yourself is the most likely way to fail. Gggggrrrrr, what??!! What you say??!! No way. I felt a bit slapped by that, because that's what I'm doing. I'm doing it alone with only the support of friends and family and this blog (and my lovely lovely blogging friends!), so am I doomed to fail??
NO! No I'm not!! I'll show him. I'll show you all. I am not touching alcohol ever again my whole life. What do I have to fear except myself? I trust myself. I know I will stick by my resolution.
Ok a bit further along he says "It is my belief that you cannot successfully treat an addiction without confronting the deep, emotional issues that are giving rise to the substance abuse in the first place. If you do not dig deeply enough into the roots of the behavior, you will either start using again, or you will switch vices sometimes without even realizing it."
Hhmm. Ok. Well, the truth is .... I'm not entirely sure why I drank so much wine. Except to say I liked the way it made me feel, and the way it dulled emotions, and it was a habit that just went too far. Is there more to uncover here? Dunno.
Love, Mrs D xxx