So that was stupid. In writing my last post I inadvertently waved a red flag to my inner alcoholic bull (OH, CUT THAT OUT!). Sorry. Try again. In writing my last post I jinxed myself by stating that oh-so-clever and sober me didn't let herself imagine sipping a glass of wine any more.
Well my tricky mind decided it couldn't let that statement go by and I felt it nudging, nudging, nudging the memory until I was finding myself imagining sipping a glass of wine. Holding it. Lifting it to my lips. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking. Bloody hell. What was this? A yearning? Then last night Mr D was having a few wines (from bottles I had magnanimously ordered for him in the online grocery shop) and I was back to the early days of sobriety where they kept confronting me at every turn. There it was beside the computer. There it was on the bench. There it was at the dinner table. Wine! Wine in a glass! Oh how easy it would be to lift and sip. But no. Sucks. Sucks to be me. (No it doesn't).
Then today I went in to the University to attend an information seminar for post-graduates (moderately useful) and after the session there was an informal wine and cheese function for people to chat and share ideas or whatever. I found myself getting nervous and pre-occupied with the fact that I couldn't see any orange juice, only 4 bottles of red wine and two bottles of white. After a minute I just grabbed an olive and ran.
Sigh. Just the reality. Just the reality of me being different from most in society in that I don't touch alcohol at all any more. Here I go obsessing and feeling sorry for myself again.
I've got another wedding coming up in 3 weeks. That's the 3rd in the six months since I've kicked the booze. I don't normally attend many weddings, this is just a freak of timing in my life. The Hens Party for this latest one is in 2 weeks. The evening starts with cocktail making lessons at an inner-city hotel (purple feather boas compulsory, gulp). Cocktail making, then dinner, followed by dancing. You know, I would love to make it to the nightclub stage as I am really into having discos at home with the kids playing hits off You Tube. But can I get through the boozing beforehand with a bunch of people I don't really know, all the while being stone cold sober? I'll let ya know.
Oh, and a couple of updates;
Cigarettes - haven't touched one since the last wedding and don't intend to. Stupid thing to have even started doing. Not going to replace one addiction with another.
Body - Not back to the weight I was when I was boozing heavily but I have put a bit back on recently. This is due to being a little piggy. But overall I am still a slightly slimmer version of myself than I was six months ago and my face is definitely less puffy.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I hear ya! Just when I think I am out of the woods I run smack into a tree. I buy fancy bubbly waters for special occasions and drink them from a beautiful goblet. Good on the grabbing the olive and getting the heck out of Dodge!
ReplyDeleteTheNoiseAndHaste, here. I feel your pain! Unless I'm really avoiding looking at something I need to address, I don't get the cravings so much anymore ... but I still rush past the wine aisle in the grocery store, and I haven't even attempted to go to a disco! You sound like you're right where you need to be, Mrs. D!
ReplyDeleteThis too shall pass...as they say. I wrote a post in my blog about phases to my recovery, but I forgot to include this little tidbit. That no matter how long it's been that I've been sober, every once in awhile (not as often as it used to be), I begin to salivate or yearn for a glass of wine, or a bottle, or three. It took me about five years for this to stop when I quit smoking but smoking is frowned in the US so that you feel like a criminal if you light up. Contrary to that, alcohol is still celebrated and touted as the path to a good time. Sigh...
ReplyDeleteOne thing I know for sure, it'd definitely worth the effort.
Don't let it get to you Mrs. D! I agree with the above comment...you're right where you need to be.
Stay strong Mrs D. We are all routing for you. And congratulations on the ciggies.
ReplyDeleteAnd on escaping from the function.
Regarding the hen night, not going is an option. We don't have to test ourselves to destruction. You could have a sudden illness. Or miss the cocktails and just turn up for the dinner and dancing.
Honestly, cocktail making lessons! The whole thing sounds like a nightmare for any alcoholic no matter how long sober.
Nothing is more important than your sobriety.
I am so in awe of your success in resisting all that temptation! And fabulous move on grabbing an olive and running. In my first year or so of sobriety, I definitely stayed away from as many situations like that as I could. And now, I'm pretty much okay anywhere I need to go (though I'll probably be avoiding travelling to foreign vinyards for the rest of this lifetime!).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you are SO on the right track and I think graduate school is going to give you the distraction you need. I did the same thing ~ nothing like a pile of reading and papers to keep you busy while the addiction slowly fades away. Sending hugs! ~ lulu
Oh, and I TOTALLY agree with Daisyanon. You do NOT have to go to the wedding at all (I skipped one of a dear cousin, but I just couldn't handle it) but you should definitely skip that whole cocktail making scene. Let us all know if you need excuses and I'm sure you'll get a zillion creative responses!
ReplyDelete