I think I'm only just realising this. For the past six months I've been convinced that my life will stay exactly the same but just with the booze taken out. I was going to turn sober but my lifestyle wasn't. I was going to keep going to everything, doing everything, living in every way the same but just without the wine.
One of my big techniques was to not let alcohol give any event it's currency, but to see that event as having a currency of its own that I could still participate in. (A fun party is fun because of the fun music and conversations, not because it means you can get pissed, a celebratory toast between humans is lovely and joyous because you're sharing a special celebration with other humans, not because the liquid in the glass is alcoholic etc etc...)
I was determined that this would be so. I read Jason Vale and this was his big push - don't be miserable and 'dry', staying at home and counting the days since you last had a drink, feeling left out and boring. Go out! (he said) and show the world that you're still just as fun as ever, that you don't need the booze to lift you up!
So that's what I've been trying to do, and for the most part it works, but at the same time I'm wrestling with the fact that I feel different, that 'naughty, fun, Mrs D' is fading and I'm mourning her loss (why can't I seem to take the word 'naughty' out of that description?)
People often comment on here to me 'put your sobriety first' and 'nothing is more important than your sobriety' and to be honest I've always thought to myself 'oh the fact that I'm sober isn't the leading factor in my life, it's just a little sub-plot'. Maybe I just felt more clever than that.
Sigh. Well, here goes folks. For all you amazing people with 1, 2, 3 or more years off the sauce watching my revelations unfold here in the blogosphere, and for those of you following behind me, I'm six months into it and I'm finally saying 'things have to be different'.
I'm going to not do things if being sober at them is going to be too difficult. I'm not going to put myself through that. Even if it means sitting at home with a mixture of emotions. Even if it means friends are going to comment or become aware that I've changed.
I have changed. I don't drink any more. Sorry. And you do. That makes me different. I am different now. And so is my life. And I'm crying now, shit those tears were unexpected, I can't believe this. But this is why I write this blog. Because it helps me. This is a sad realisation, but I'm hoping it's a dip in the curve of my new sober life and there will be a different sort of peak as time goes on.
Because I'm aiming high. I really mean it when I say I'm never going to drink again. So here at six months I admit my lifestyle will change. I look forward to seeing at 1 year, 2 years, 3 years what that change will be.
Love, Mrs D xxx