Thursday, September 8, 2011

The final straw..

On Monday straight after my husband, Mr D, took my two eldest sons off to their Scouts meeting, I jumped in the car with my toddler and drove down the road to the bottle shop.  Sad fact number 1 is that I said to Little Guy as I grabbed him "lets go prove how disfunctional I really am".  Sad fact number 2 is that in my haste to back out of the carport I ran over the new pram and smashed up one of the front tires.  It's now completely stuffed.  I hadn't even had a drink!!  Sad fact number 3 is that when I got to the bottle shop I grabbed two bottles of wine instead of just one.

Actually there are far more sad facts than that.  It's sad that I had only been back drinking for 5 days after 3 1/2 weeks off.  It's sad that Mr D and I had a brief discussion before Scouts and had said that this Monday would be an alcohol free day.  And it's sad that I couldn't manage that.

So home I come with the wine and promptly skull half of the bottle of white while I bath the Little Guy and tidy up the dinner mess.  Then I panic and feel bad so decide to HIDE THE REST of the white and pour myself and Mr D a glass of the red and leave the rest of the bottle sitting on the bench showing it's nearly full.

I had to use caps there because that right there was a turning point.  I had never hidden wine before. 
Mr D came home and kind of laughed that I hadn't been able to go without and I laughed too (a ha ha!) and made a song and dance about how I'd gone slow - see look the bottle is nearly full! - and then Mr D had a couple of small glasses over the next hour and I finished off the rest of the red myself.  Sigh, another binge. 

Of course I slept like crap and woke up feeling tired, hungover and really really guilt-ridden and disfunctional.  This was yet another binge for me, one binge at the end of a long line of binges.  My drinking history is long and probably typical.  What's perhaps not so typical is that lately, as my drinking has been escallating so too has my inability to accept it. 

So Tuesday mid-morning I write myself a letter (I'll re-print it in a later blog).  Lunch-time Mr D comes home from his shift at work and we chat and inevitably talk turns to last night and I cry and confess to the hiding the wine and he admits he wondered and did actually check the recycling bin to see if there was another bottle as I had seemed more full of wine than I'd said.  (He wasn't going to tell me he'd checked the bin, that too is really scary right there). 

And, long story short, I've reached a tipping point and from now have decided to remove alcohol from my life.

I'm scared, it's going to be hard.  Our family all drink.  Our friends all drink.  And I'm going to try and do this without any outside support.  Just this blog.  So stay posted and I'll let you know how I get on.

Love, Mrs D xxx

12 comments:

  1. Hi! I love your blog so far! I can completely relate...except I'm still drinking and trying to stop. I even made a "promise" to have a drink-free November, but that lasted about 2 hours. So I've started re-reading all the addiction blogs and am going to try this on my own. thanks so much for sharing!

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  2. Just came across your blog. Congrats on making the big step! Looking forward to reading up some more about how you have been doing. I hope you find blogging helpful. Its helped me alot in the past 2yrs of my sobriety.

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  3. I think you are so so brave. You can do this, you owe it to yourself to be happy. And you will be :)

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  4. Hi mrs d. It sounds like I'm a male version of yourself, just starting this journey. I'll be reading your blog from start to finish with interest!

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  5. I just found this blog...I feel like you are writing the story of MY life. I have been going through a process like you of slowly trying to get to the point where I will completely quit...and today is the day for me. Today is day 1. So I found this blog and decided to start at YOUR Day 1. Thank you for this!!! I don't feel alone in this.

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  6. A long time overdueJune 23, 2014 at 10:14 AM

    OMG, I watched you last night and have decided to follow you each day from your day one and your comments, to try and do this your way. I echo the post above. I haven't hid a bottle but I have definitely tried to conceal the quantity or return the bottle to the fridge or try and make it obvious when I have managed to drink less than the entire thing (like that is something to be proud of). I completely relate to your remark about the drinking escalating and your inability to accept it. Ditto for me. Thank you so much. You are going to change my life for the better but I am SCARED for the same reasons you said.

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  7. Have you all heard of Hello Sunday Morning? Google it.

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  8. OMG - I watched your programme on Sunday and it was my life all over, I have been feeling like you for so long and want off the rollercoaster! I am 2 days sober.... I really hope I can do this.

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  9. Like one of your earlier comments I think your story is about me. My nickname funnily enough is Mrs D too. I am 9 month sober my fourth attempt. I have done this nine months on my own with the support of my family but I still struggle every day. Your TV appearance made me feel like I was not a freak and how common this alcohol epidemic is. Thank you thank you for coming out and in this process helping me stay on track.

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  10. I was really really deeply and profoundly touched by your interview. I too am battling trying to make this decision to stop. I am also highly functioning at the moment so nobody would know but privately I am in a precarious place and similarly the more my drinking spirals out of control the more I am unable to accept it. Am reading you from the beginning to find courage in yours

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  11. Well, Im up late and reading your blog. As so many others have said, I too have been just like you. I continue to drink usually a bottle of wine a night. I wake with hot sweats and glug down the water. I hate what Im doing to my body. Then 4.30pm comes along and Im so looking forward to that glass of wine again and Ive completely forgotten how guilty I was feeling in the morning. So many times I have promised I would stop, and even managed to stop for a week or a few days and then I would talk myself into believing I could drink again but just moderately. What a joke. It never works. I will try again and will start here at the beginning of your blog. Thank you so much. Go help me!

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