I've woken up with a sick, uneasy, nervy feeling in my stomach. I was having dreams last night and I feel freaked out about what I'm doing. Actually I'm not entirely sure why I feel nervous but I definitely have a nervy tummy. I'm not exactly relaxed you could say.
No, didn't have a drink last night! It was Saturday night but was totally fine not to drink. Just at home with Mr. D (who had a couple of beers). Still feel like it's not going to be a problem to never drink again but I know it's such early days and I haven't had any real temptations. No nights out. No family around cracking open the wine. No parties or events to attend. A non-drinking life hasn't been experienced yet. I haven't proved to myself yet that I can do this. I'm so nervous that I won't be able to. But bloody hell I really really really really want to be able to just never have another drink again, ever.
Maybe the problem is the books I picked up from the library yesterday. I had gone on the Auckland City Libraries website earlier in the week and ordered some titles that I thought might be useful to keep my brain strong. But all they seem to have done is tell me I can't do this.
Take Bert Pluymen for example. In his book 'The Thinking Person's Guide to Sobriety' he tells me, "..knowledge and self-awareness alone are absolutely worthless in fighting addiction. A bodily addiction will kick your ass while you're sitting around musing and reasoning and making resolutions." NO! It won't, it won't, it won't. Please don't let it....
And William Alexander in 'Still Waters. Sobriety, Atonement, and Unfolding Enlightenment' tells me, "The life of addiction is one of perpetual longing. That longing can continue for many years - for a lifetime - after the booze and the drugs are gone." Really? Really?
And then there's the mysterious John R (why the need to hide the surname?) who in 'Big Book Unplugged. A Young Person's Guide to Alcoholics Anonymous' says, "Willpower won't work. Our resolve isn't strong enough. Staying clean won't happen through some trick of the mind. The addiction is too powerful , and we lose the power of choice." Great.
Ok now I see why my guts are churning. I'm being told left, right and centre that I can't do this. Or at least that I can't do this alone.
But I'm not alone!! I have you, dear blog. Dear Blog. Dearest Darling Blog. You are going to help save me. I will do it by writing you every morning. Together we can kick my booze-habit's butt. See you tomorrow.
Love, Mrs D xxx