I've woken up with a sick, uneasy, nervy feeling in my stomach. I was having dreams last night and I feel freaked out about what I'm doing. Actually I'm not entirely sure why I feel nervous but I definitely have a nervy tummy. I'm not exactly relaxed you could say.
No, didn't have a drink last night! It was Saturday night but was totally fine not to drink. Just at home with Mr. D (who had a couple of beers). Still feel like it's not going to be a problem to never drink again but I know it's such early days and I haven't had any real temptations. No nights out. No family around cracking open the wine. No parties or events to attend. A non-drinking life hasn't been experienced yet. I haven't proved to myself yet that I can do this. I'm so nervous that I won't be able to. But bloody hell I really really really really want to be able to just never have another drink again, ever.
Maybe the problem is the books I picked up from the library yesterday. I had gone on the Auckland City Libraries website earlier in the week and ordered some titles that I thought might be useful to keep my brain strong. But all they seem to have done is tell me I can't do this.
Take Bert Pluymen for example. In his book 'The Thinking Person's Guide to Sobriety' he tells me, "..knowledge and self-awareness alone are absolutely worthless in fighting addiction. A bodily addiction will kick your ass while you're sitting around musing and reasoning and making resolutions." NO! It won't, it won't, it won't. Please don't let it....
And William Alexander in 'Still Waters. Sobriety, Atonement, and Unfolding Enlightenment' tells me, "The life of addiction is one of perpetual longing. That longing can continue for many years - for a lifetime - after the booze and the drugs are gone." Really? Really?
And then there's the mysterious John R (why the need to hide the surname?) who in 'Big Book Unplugged. A Young Person's Guide to Alcoholics Anonymous' says, "Willpower won't work. Our resolve isn't strong enough. Staying clean won't happen through some trick of the mind. The addiction is too powerful , and we lose the power of choice." Great.
Ok now I see why my guts are churning. I'm being told left, right and centre that I can't do this. Or at least that I can't do this alone.
But I'm not alone!! I have you, dear blog. Dear Blog. Dearest Darling Blog. You are going to help save me. I will do it by writing you every morning. Together we can kick my booze-habit's butt. See you tomorrow.
Love, Mrs D xxx
I see myself over and over in your blog.. it helps to know I'm not alone in my quitting drinking journey.. thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou have an amazing way with words. I have started a blog to chronicle my climb out of the hole I find myself in. It is energizing but there is a faint suspicion it is false also, as there is no temptation after you've been an idiot. What happens when I start feeling good about myself and want to share socially? Or just with myself? That is when temptation will rear its ugly head. What then?
ReplyDeleteThat is crazy! I am in only like a week, but I believe that it is possible...and if not then what in the world do they suggest????
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs D, decided to read all your blogs from start. This one interests me because I was wondering what all the 'experts' will be saying about your journey and public revelation. I'm a bit reluctant to read any of the 'sobriety' books out there, esp after reading your above blog. Talk about knockers!! Many sound so doomsday. My dad gave up drinking when he turned 50 after a very alcohol-social filled life, did it on his own, no professional help, no nothing really except his own desire and will power. He is now 75, amazingly fit and healthy, and has never had any desire to go back. I've always been very proud of him and amazed that he did it 'alone'. I will read the books you recommend.
ReplyDeleteDay 3, still a seedy head in spite of no alcohol when I woke up this morning. Perhaps my body is so conditioned to the feeling. I have read it takes 7 days for the alcohol to completely leave the body. Silly temptation last night putting glasses away, looked longingly at all my nice wine glasses - what a waste! Oh well, will have to fill them with sparkling soda or something. I am thinking there is a market for sophisticated drinks without the punch! Oh for wine without the alcohol! I wonder if we would still like it as much? It would make it easier to adjust I am sure. Like those e-cigarette things, e-wine perhaps? Another test this morning, going to the supermarket. I order online now as a rule, so it is easy to avoid but walking past it today, I clenched my hands to the trolley. I was grateful for the reduced bill at the end. Reflecting on how many times my kids have been told 'don't knock over my wine - watch that beer!" etc etc. I have family members who have given up smoking cold turkey, so I will draw strength from that. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for alcohol, we are a family of big drinkers - it is in the genes.
ReplyDelete