Final Christmas blog..

It's so totally fine to be not drinking at Christmas.  It's so much better than fine.  I'm still laughing, chatting, joking being totally normal but without that edgy feeling like I've got the dial turned up to 9 or 10 (over the top) instead of sitting comfortably at a 5 or 6 (nice and normal).

And I'm sitting at that comfortable level while hosting tons of people coming and going, plus around 6 extras staying including two babies.  The dishwasher has been going three times a day, we're constantly cleaning up and getting ready to prepare the next snack or 3-course meal.  And all the while it's a melting pot of humanity with all their foibles, stresses and problems and of course all of us think our issues are the most important. A million and one dynamics and the odd tension spot blowing like a leak in a pipe.

But sober Mrs D is able to keep herself reasonably level-headed.  Not too stressed, not too territorial, generous enough with my house and space, busy but not feeling too under-appreciated, washing, cleaning, answering questions constantly (where are your table cloths? is the local diary open today?  how can I set your washing machine to low?  is there a container I can put this in?  shall we cook the rosti like this or like that?  have you another cushion for the outside chairs?  where's the hose fitting so I can fill the paddling pool? ).

I've had three people cry over me in private (we're an emotional female-based family ok), one or two snap testily at me, a couple of them treat me like I'm the most bossy person in the world (well you told me to ask for help) and the sleep throughout has been brief and broken.

But not once have I been even slightly tempted to drink alcohol despite everyone else doing it (except pregnant sister).  Not even remotely interested.  Just do not want to.  Don't need it.  Don't want it. 

I rekon if I had been experiencing all of the above while pouring copious amounts of alcohol in my system I'd not only feel a shit-load more tired and sicky in my guts with a pounding headache most of the time but I'd be feeling far more watery emotionally myself.  I'd have a nervy feeling in my tummy probably because I'd not been able to think and feel and process all the dynamics and interactions clearly. 

Happy Merry Glorious Sober Christmas to you all!!!!!!!!!! 

Off camping now for a week .... please may it not rain.

Love Mrs D xxxxxxx

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man we are churning through the work.  Preparing meals, cleaning up, relaxing for 2 minutes then lurching into the next meal.  It's a food and drink feast.  A rolling festival of food.

Funny thing is my non-alcohol beverages seem to be more popular than wine and beer!  Everyone is drinking alcohol but they're not really pounding it (like I would be).  Maybe it's because I'm not?  Still, the main Christmas meal is tonight perhaps they'll get amongst it then.  I've already thought that if that happens I'll take myself off to bed.

Ha, just heard Mr D in the other room saying 'time for a beer! Anyone else?'.

It's 4.13pm.  Back soon.

Love, Mrs D xxx

So far...

... almost all my family here and last night the first big evening together.

I was called 'amazing'...

I was called 'virtuous' and 'boring'...

And I was warned 'just don't start lecturing anyone else'...

A sober Christmas...

I've been looking forward to it actually.  A chance to show everyone how happy I am sober.  Oh clever sober me!  Planning nice fresh ginger beer drinks and lime and mint crushed with ice and soda water.  Super! Wonderful! Awesome!

But here I am, four sleeps to go, it's nearly midnight, I'm wound up like a top, my brain is whirring and I've just snuck quietly out of the bedroom to come write this blog in the hopes that it will release some of the tension in my thoughts and I can get to sleep.

I think I've been living in a lovely sober bubble for the last however-many days that it's been since I took the wine away (just did a quick check, 106 days). Just me in my house with my lovely husband and sons and my neighbourhood of friends plus family, some close, some far away, all there on the phone and email etc..

And now it's Christmas and everyone is descending on us and I'm doing all the organising (which is fine, I'm an organisational geek) but there's things being said and actions being taken that is the usual stuff of families but it's like brutal fingers are poking, poking, poking at my bubble upsetting my quite delicate equilibrium.  I don't think I realised quite how delicate it was. 

It doesn't help that I wrote in my last post that I loved 'getting out of it' and I've just been thinking of getting out of it lately.  Just getting totally 'out of it'. OUT of it.  OUT OF IT.  Just getting out of it.

I'ts not going to happen though.  Oh no siree bob.  No fucking way. I'm going to grit my teeth and get through.  And who knows maybe this tension will pass and I'll enjoy myself!  I'm sure I will actually.  Once everyone is here in one place I can submit to the craziness and look in my boys faces and feel good for them and look in the mirror and feel good for myself because all I have to do is not drink and everything will be alright in the end.

Oh and I've finally gotten organised to get the old photo of me scanned and have posted it on my 'Who Am I?' page so go take a look!  Mr D says I haven't aged a bit.  Flattery will get you everywhere Mr D.

Love, Mrs D xxxx

What if you can't abstain?

We all have our stuff, our issues, our problems (our reasons).  And we all have our ways of dealing with them, or avoiding them.  I don't really know exactly why or what combination of factors led to me being a sloppy, out-of-control heavy drinker, but that is what I was.  Pouring wine down my throat even though it wasn't making my life happy.  Drinking glasses and glasses and bottles and bottles of wine.  Endlessly and constantly drinking as much and as often as I wanted, those amounts growing and growing until finally I stopped.

I got to a point where I was acutely aware of what a problem my drinking was and thankfully that feeling was strong enough to overcome all the previous ones and I made the decision to remove alcohol completely from my life and retrain my brain out of thinking that it made me relax (it didn't), helped me with stress (it didn't), made things more fun (it didn't) made me more interesting (it didn't) took my problems away (it didn't).

But what if my way of dealing with (or avoiding) my issues had been different?  What if, for example, the way I had decided to deal with life was to binge on food and then vomit it up?  Or just binging and binging and keeping it in and getting really overweight.  Or starving myself, withholding much needed food until I was a skeleton of myself.  Food issues in other words.

I mean without getting too deep life is actually pretty hard isn't it, we're complex emotional creatures struggling to like ourselves, have decent relationships, deal with problematic parents, or partners, or money worries, or weight issues, or sex issues or .. or .. or ..

And seconds tick by, and new problems arise, and new feelings surface, and new shit happens, and good stuff too!, and then tricky stuff, and then boring stuff, and still the seconds tick by, and the minutes and the hours. 

So what do you do?  Do you drink heavily?  Do you smoke too much?  Do you eat too much?  Do you make yourself vomit?  Do you starve yourself?  Do you inject yourself?   What do you do? 

And then, if you want to fix it, what do you do?  In some ways I've been lucky.  I've had a thing - alcohol - to focus on.  Remove that thing, focus on why it's not helping you, retrain your brain to accept life without it.  Good luck staying the course but if you do, problem solved.  But food issues is a whole different kettle of fish.

Love, Mrs D xxx

What are you thinking?

So there are a lot of people that come to my blog and not many that comment.  And that's totally fine, this ain't no guilt trip to get you to comment. 

For while the comments I do get are really lovely, (some have made me cry with their kindness, or get a little teary at least, some have really helped me be strong when I was in a rough patch, and some have made me laugh out loud) really this blog is mainly written for me to help keep myself sober. 

It actually came about because when I finally decided I was going to take the plunge and attempt to completely remove alcohol from my life I thought about getting a diary to put in my top bedside drawer so I could write every day and keep track of my thoughts and boost myself along.  Then I thought why not type it down somewhere, then thought open a blog, do it anonymously and .. well here we are.

But for all of you that do arrive here and then leave without commenting I can only guess at what you're thinking.  So I'm going to take a stab at what your thoughts might be and put you into three categories.

Reader Type-A is thinking: "Man that Mrs D, wow she's amazing to be removing alcohol from her life.  How cool and strong is she!  And she seems really down to earth, such brutal honesty.  I've been wondering about my own alcohol intake .. I'm going to have to keep coming back to see how she's getting on."

Reader Type-B is thinking: "Jeez, what a lush Mrs D is.  Can't believe she was such a boozer, all that wine drinking, what loser behaviour.  Only dicks can't control their alcohol.  I bet she's going to relapse.  I'll pop back every now and then just to see her fail."

Reader Type-C is thinking: "What the hell is this?  I'm looking for the blog of the uber-cool New York DJ Mrs D.  This ain't the right Mrs D! *navigates away*"

Ha!  No but seriously, I've decided to put up a pic of myself as soon as I can get it scanned (it's old, but very appropriate).  So whether you're Reader A or B watch this space and you'll get to see what I look like.  If you're a Type-C and you've made it this far - what the hell are you still doing here??!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

The Evenings..

So I seem to have a familiar pattern now with my new sober life.  I am good through the busy, noisy times being a non-drinker, but I struggle a bit in the quiet of my own brain.  Didn't have a problem with all the parties last weekend at all, in fact (as I keep saying) I'm so much happier going out and being a sober-together version of myself.  I always feel so much happier in my memories of the night.

Anyway so that was the weekend, full of noise and life and me more than happy not drinking.  Then come Monday, I'm tired and it's quiet and I feel like a wine at 5pm would have been really nice.  Just a few thoughts, not a huge wave of them like it would have been 90-odd days ago when I was first sober, but still they were there.  Tuesday also a bit tricky.  I'm still learning how just to 'be' without the wine.

I've been thinking how I used to be quite useless in the evenings.  I'd never answer the phone if I could help it, I certainly wouldn't get on the computer (have done the odd drunk-facebook session and cringed the next morning at my over-effusive comments on people's photos 'your kids are so beautiful you're awesome love you guys so much' etc etc), couldn't achieve any sorting of paper-work, paying bills or transcribing interviews for my masters research or anything really.  Just me on the sofa with a wine or 5 and the TV.  Lots and lots of TV.

I have been known to get through an entire programme of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and realise only toward the end I had watched it before, pissed.  Or maybe those idiots are just imminently forgettable.  Still can't stop watching them though!

Now I have these lovely gentle evenings and if I'm in the mood can actually achieve things.  Admittedly it's just things like sitting on the sofa with my notebook and cookbooks and making a meal plan & shopping list for the week (budgeting housewife geek me), or sitting with the laptop ordering books online from the library catalogue, or reading recovery blogs and making effusive-but-sober comments on other ex-boozers blogs!, or wrapping Christmas presents.  Or maybe just deciding with Mr D that we'll climb into bed and watch Downton Abby. 

Oh and I'VE FINALLY LOST WEIGHT YEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Just quietly...

I'm just going to say this quietly because I don't want to come across as all cocky and confident, and maybe this is another pink cloud floating by in my life (I love the whole pink cloud concept, why are they called pink clouds anyway?) but I just love love love love being sober.

I have so much more self respect. Someone once commented on my blog when I was going to an event and was nervous that I should 'raise a glass of self respect' instead of booze and I thought that was such a great concept.  My self respect is so much higher now that I'm not feeling so horribly dysfunctional.

And another lovely Australian chap keeps commenting to me to 'be kind to myself' and I love that concept as well because it carries so much weight.  It doesn't just say be kind, it says look after, nurture, love, protect.  All those things are true when you are being brave and making a big scary, almost unheard of (in my circle of life) decision to live without alcohol.

I feel so much more 'in touch' with myself.  This is a hard one to explain but when my brain isn't affected by alcohol so much any more I can trust all my feelings and emotions, know that I'm feeling them honestly and fully and not under a cloud.  Also I don't have those little memories when they're vague and I think 'was I pissed when I thought that/said that/did that?' 

I just feel better.  Emotionally and physically.  I had a huge weekend this weekend with a BBQ on Friday night, two parties on Saturday plus hosting a lunch here on Sunday.  Last night Mr D and I got into bed at 7.23pm! and we were absolutely knackered, but I said to him how different it was to feel that exhausted feeling after a busy social weekend but without the headaches, sick guts, or guilt.

I actually can't think of a single reason why I would want to go back to wine again.  Hope I'm not getting lulled into a false sense of security.

(Incidentally parties are fine sober until about 11pm when people start giving you sloppy hugs and stop making much sense and at that point slipping out the back door is advisable)

Love, Mrs D xxx 

I am an alcoholic...am I?

Hi, my name is Mrs D and I am a ... *coughs*.. um .. hi.  I'm Mrs D and... um ... huh.. *clears throat*.. sorry, lets try that again.  Hi.  I'm Mrs D.  And I. Am. A ... ... ... dysfunctional drinker.

I've never called myself an alcoholic.  Am I one?  I like to call myself a dysfunctional drinker.  A boozer.  A enthusiastic wine-drinker.  But alcoholic, no.  Semantics?  Probably.  But still.  I don't want to call myself an alcoholic.  For one thing I think it provides too blunt a label, or at least one that I'm not comfortable with.  But also .. well .. I dunno .. I'm embarrassed to say that I am one.  It conjours up images of derelict losers and I'm not one of "them".  You know the type.  Those winos in the gutter. Those smelly ladies with filthy clothes and unkempt hair I see in my supermarket with trollys filled with big casks of wine.

I mean, I never drank cask wine! Admittedly my bottles were only worth about $10 but, you know, there was glass involved.  No cardboard round here.  And I wasn't a stumbling drunk out on the streets creating a scene.  Ok so there was that one time I sort of stumbled in front of my inlaws while holding my 6 year old and sort of dropped him a bit .. but I don't think they all knew how much wine I'd poured into myself that evening.  Oh and there's those favourite earrings that I lost during almighty binges (still think they might have gone down the drain, there was vomiting involved).  So that's all pretty sloppy behaviour.  Me as a derelict loser, yeah.

Trying to read Allen Carr's 'The Easy Way to Stop Drinking', finding it rather intense but will persevere in the interests of keeping my brain alert to the perils of alcohol (my sly wine-drinking fox is still lurking in the back recesses of my brain I'm sure of it). Anyway he says the definition of an alcoholic is someone who has lost control over their intake.

Well I had definately lost control over my intake.  I think I lost it back in the late 80's actually.  But sorry Allen I'm not ready to own that label yet.

Love, Mrs D xxx

90 Days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

90 days hurray!

90 days hurray!

Hi Ho the Dairy-O, 90 Days Hurray!

What a lovely 90th day of sobriety I had.  What a contrast the day was compared with my last binge which also fell on a Monday.  In my first ever post I talk about my sculling wine and then hiding the bottle while Mr D was out at Scouts with the Big Guy and Middle Dude. 

Yesterday I went to the gym, went and bought Mr D and I a new bed! (this wasn't on a whim, our old one is one I bought before I even met him), made some fresh ginger beer (thanks Jamie Oliver), ginger crunch and a pavlova while the little guy was napping, had a lovely family dinner then pottered round cleaning up the house while Mr D took our two eldest to their Scouts meeting.  Bathed the Little Man then made train tracks with him.  We all gorged on Pavlova when the others got home, then put the kids to bed, lay on the sofa watching TV and .... FILED MY NAILS!!!!!!!  Yes ladies and gentlemen .. some personal grooming!!!!!!!!

Actually some weird changes are occurring in my new-found sober life.  I file my nails more often.  I'm thinking I might start *shock horror* flossing my teeth every night.  I have plucked my eyebrows more often (I once did this pissed on the sofa in the half-dark and the result was disastrous).  The first thing I now put in my tummy every morning is a cup of Green Tea with a little honey added.  What am I, some sort of crazy hippy?!  I used to start every day with a huge mug of milky instant coffee but now it's Green Tea and it really makes me feel much cleaner and lighter.

Cleaner and lighter.  That would sum up my feeling in general at this point of 90 days.  Cleaner and lighter with no guilt or hangovers, clean teeth, neat nails and semi-shaped eyebrows.  But not resting on my laurels.  Someone told me yesterday that the 90-day chip is Red to warn against being complacent.  That was great to hear.  I'm considering myself warned.  So am going to keep up my inner work and continue to work on training my brain to accept a life with no alcohol added. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

Tomorrow's the day

So this 90-day thing feels quite significant. I'm not sure why.  It's an AA thing and I'm not in AA, but I know that they make a really big deal when someone has managed to stay sober for 90 days (a special coin? some sort of ceremony?).  I've been getting excited myself about tomorrow and feeling like I should do something special like make a big pavlova! And cover it with whipped cream and fresh berries and a broken up flake bar.  Lots of lovely crumbs of chocolate.  That would be a statement.

But personally, inside me, I have to say that the journey to this point has been intense and revealing.  And now that I'm here I feel a certain level of calm about living a life without alcohol.

Having said that I did have a pang or two yesterday, accompanied by a small stomach turn (nerves?) and a kind of incredulous voice inside saying 'Really? Never again?  Really?'.  I think it's still going to be hard, and at times I'll be sad that I can't be a casual drinker.

But I can't, so there, move on Mrs D.

Anyway.  One of the main things I have learned in the past 90 days is that it is in the stillness and quiet that I find it hardest not to drink.  The hardest weekend I had recently was a weekend where we had no plans.  Just the family hanging out.  I struggled all weekend.

I've been to a wedding, hosted a party, attended BBQs and meals at friends houses.  I've been to bars, attended Black Tie dinners and dined at fancy restaurants and all of these events have been fine sober.  Better than fine.   I love going out socially when I'm not drinking and not revealing to everyone that I have an enthusiastic attitude to wine.

But Tuesday nights are difficult.  Random Wednesdays at 4.59pm.  Weekends with nothing on.  The quiet, the still, it scares me and I feel an urge to drink.  I used to think it was boredom but Dr Drew told someone on Celebrity Rehab that boredom is another word for depression.  I'm not depressed.  But I have been avoiding some sadnesses.  I'm having to learn to be low sometimes, and flat.  I never knew that was going to happen.

Bring on the next 90 days I say.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Almost there..

So on Monday I will have been sober for 90 days.  Yeah!!!!!!!  My sister said to me yesterday 'so do you think you'll ever drink again, like in ten years?' and I said 'No.  I will never drink alcohol ever again.'

I could hear her brain creaking and stretching down the phone line to try and understand and fathom that concept - a life with alcohol completely removed (remember outwardly I wasn't a fall-down wreck of a drunk with a life hanging by a thread so some of those around me have no concrete picture to hang this knowledge on). 

I will be living breathing proof that - shock horror! - you can live completely sober.  I'll show everyone.  I really feel this is the path my life was meant to take and it's a fantastic way to spend the second half.

I know there will be times when I do have a sad pang about not drinking but I also know that those times will pass and the majority of my time will be spent feeling amazing without booze clouding the way.

I also know that everything is just as fun and great without alcohol.  A cafe table beside the water with the sun shining, a platter of nibbles and a shiny drink and laughter is just as fun if the drink is a lime and soda.

A great party is a great party because it's a great party, not because I'm getting hammered. (A boring party will always be a boring party no matter how much you drink).

A celebratory toast is loving and cheerful because that's what a celebratory toast with other humans is. It is not given it's currency because it involves then sipping a drink that (for me) triggers a switch in your brain that turns you into a loser lush.

Stress isn't going to go away with 6 glasses of wine, it's just going to hide behind the door until you've sobered up then jump out at ya - 'still here! Now deal with me with that hangover and the guilts'.  Same goes for Sadness, Anger, Hurt and Grief.

In fact in my house those emotions had a secret room behind the door and they used to have a private party in there while they waited for me to sober up.   They'd plot their next move, 'lets get her at 4am when she gets up to go to the loo and keep her up for the rest of the night, yeah!'

They live with me constantly now those emotions, no hiding and plotting, and I'm getting used to having them around.  It's ok, you know.  It's ok.

Love, Mrs D xxx

MacKenzie Phillips

Feeling much better, have got through my 'hard done by' phase and have quietly settled back into 'this is just the way it has to be' mode.  Drove to a trendy bar during the week to meet someone and actually imagined myself buying a shiny glass of Chardonnay and sipping it and the thought wasn't at all nice.  I so so so don't want to drink.

I am finding that whenever I see a picture in the newspaper or a magazine of people having lunch or at a social gathering, or a similar scene on the tele, I'm scouring the shot to see how many glasses look like they might not contain wine. Looking for the sober people (and not just the ones with the telling preggy bellys).  There are surprisingly few!  I know there are many of us sober types in the world but hell, we are way in the minority.  Every happy face raising a glass to the camera always looks to be imbibing.  My next thought is always 'I wonder how many of them are dysfunctional drinkers?'

Anyhoo Mackenzie Phillips.  Mackenzie Phillips!!!!!!!  Holy Hell.  Just read her memoir.  That woman is living breathing proof of just how much a human body can take.  It's quite a dark read of drugs, drugs, drugs.  Sad, intense, prolonged drug taking.  Poor woman.  Although having said that I do think she seems lovely (from YouTube clips I've watched).  Her dad clearly had no moral compass whatsoever so from a young age she was pretty stuffed.  Hence the title I suppose; 'High on Arrival'.

Anyway when writing about what she learned at her final rehab, and what hadn't worked with previous rehabs which led to relapses, she said; '..maybe what I'd also gotten wrong was that I couldn't throw away who I was to be clean.  It sounds corny, but what I realised was that I could still be my quirky left-of-centre self without doing drugs.'

This speaks to me because a large part of my identity for twenty-odd years has been 'fun, naughty Mrs D', that fun, naughty, chatty, up-for-it party girl.  I don't want to see her go! But now I'm sober.  So how do I keep bringing her to the party?  I haven't worked that out yet.  Because if fun, naughty Mrs D is all about the booze then she's gone forever.  But if I can be that way sober then great.  Thing is, I don't know if I can.  It's different out if you're not boozing.  Coz .. well .. you're not boozing.  I had fun at my 40th but I felt sober.  Very very sober.  A sober life is .. very very sober.

So it will be a different life and maybe I'll carve out a new self-image, or adapt the old one.  It's early days, I can't tell how that's going to go. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

The Letter...

Ok I think now is a good time into my sobriety (76 days) to reprint the letter I wrote to myself that tearful morning after my final binge.  This is word for word, written in red pen on a page of plain A4.

*************************************

I am going to stop drinking forever.

I am not going to lose anything by removing alcohol from my life.

I am going to gain a lot!

I cannot control alcohol, it controls me.

I don't even have joyful + fun drinking any more.

I cannot moderate.

Every time I drink alcohol I binge.

I suffer the next day and as a result the kids suffer.

Alcohol stops me being the best mother I can be.

Alcohol makes my life harder and increases negative thoughts.

I will be 40 soon and I need to stay in good health.

Today is September 6th 2011.  Today is Day One.  Go me!

xxx

Colourless (warning: contains negativity)

I hate to say this and be all boring and low and flat and introspective but this weekend has felt really colourless and frankly quite hard work.  I just keep thinking that I am the most boring person in the world and everyone else is having way more fun than me and they're going to always have a better life because they can relax with a drink or two or even get a bit naughty and have 4 or 5 and I'm just going to be boring sober uptight person.

Told you this was going to be a bit negative. Sorry. 

I just feel pissed off, that it's not fair and no-one is making me do this.  In fact no-one ever told me I had to stop drinking, it was only me telling myself. And now this weekend I've been telling myself that that is a really kill-joy idea.

I'm not even slightly contemplating having a drink I'm just being pissed off and grumpy and flat and sorry for myself.  I mean why would you choose to have a weekend like this when I could just be having a weekend like I have for the past ten or twenty years looking forward to a few drinks each night, laughing and having fun with Mr D and the kids.

Yeah I know.  It stopped being fun and the hangovers were terrible and I was a more grumpy mummy and I was squashing down my emotions and I was spending too much money and the drinking usually led to over eating and really this is a much better way to live.

I just hope this is a 'getting used to living sober' weekend and not a weekend I'm going to have regularly from now on.

Oh and by the bloody way why hasn't stopping pouring copious amounts of wine down my throat led to significant weight loss?  Eh?? Eh?? Answer me that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now to transcribe a passage from a book I'm reading on drugs by Andrew Weil and others called 'From Chocolate to Morphine'..

"We think that addiction is a basic human problem whose roots go very deep.  Most of us have at some point been wounded, no matter what kind of family we grew up in or what kind of society we live in.  We long for a sense of completeness and wholeness and whatever satisfaction we gain from drugs, food, sex, money, and other "sources" of pleasure really comes from inside of us.  That is, we project our power onto external substances and activities, allowing them to make us feel better temporarily.  This is a very strange sort of magic.  We give away our power in exchange for a transient sense of wholeness, then suffer because the object of our craving seems to control us. Addiction can be cured only when we consciously experience this process, reclaim our power, and recognise that our wounds must be healed from within."

Love, Mrs D xxx

Strategies to feel good..

Sigh, so here we go again. Up and down, up and down.  Yesterday afternoon I found myself getting grouchy and tired feeling.  Wondering what was wrong.  Wondering if I was low in iron.  Wondering if I was hormonal.  Realising it was probably just a normal 'tired' and 'low' mood hightened by the fact there was no escaping with a nice glass (or 10) of wine. 

Didn't help that Mr D had a beer.  Then a white wine. Then a red wine.  Then anotherbloodyfucking red wine.  Sorry.  But his glasses kept confronting me.  There it was on the bench.  There it was beside the computer.  Sigh.

Woe is me.

So I tried to just feel the mood.  Have it there.  Let it pass.  I got into bed at 7.09pm!  With the tele on and my new lovely white cotton nightie and a couple of little boys to read books with me.

Anyway now it's Friday and I feel the day stretching ahead of me.  And the evening (Mr D is going out).  So I'm going to think of some treaty things to look foward to.  Coping mechanisms.

1) Remind myself all day how AMAZING and STRONG and ADMIRABLE I am for giving up the drink (through gritted teeth).

2) Go shopping for some treaty supplies for the pantry.  Crystalised ginger, quinoa (I want to try it), fresh basil.

3) Wear a dress with a belt.  Don't over-eat.

4) Clean enough to feel good about the house.

5) Do a little transcribing to feel good about my studies.

6) Watch a little day-time tele.

7) Start making lists for Christmas.  Look online for some decorations - that's a good idea!!

8) Get down on the floor and play with my sons.  Look at their faces and remember that this is their childhood and you are doing the absolutely best thing to make it the best it can be.

9) Look in the mirror and say to yourself 'Mrs D, you are doing it.  You are good and you are kind.'

10) Lie sober head on the pillow at the end of the night and sleep well.

Happy Friday everyone.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Telling the kids

I was just chatting to the Big Guy and Middle Dude while I was putting them to bed and for some reason asked if things were better now that I'm not drinking wine and the Big Guy (7) said very definitely 'yes it is'.  I said 'why?' and he couldn't really answer with any specifics but said very clearly 'it's just better now'.  I asked if it was because I don't smell of alcohol any more when I kiss them goodnight and he said 'yeah that's one reason'.

They know I have stopped drinking alcohol and I'm sure they must hear me talking about it with Mr D and others a lot. (I am obsessed ok, but I'm sure this will pass.  I'm trying not to talk ALL the time about my sobriety and the books and blogs I'm reading and what I'm discovering about myself and our drinking society and everything so fascinating and interesting and and and.. I'm obsessed ok!!)

But anyway I've been unsure about what exactly to say to the boys, but tonight I just explained to them that lots of people can drink alcohol but for me and some others we shouldn't because we find it very hard to stop once we start.

It's for my boys as much as anything that I'm sober. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

How to talk about it...

I think I'm going to have to work on getting the tone right when I talk about my removing alcohol from my life.

I don't want to come across as anti-alcohol because in many ways I feel the opposite.  Like - 'don't let the fun stop just coz I'm not drinking!' (that feeling comes mixed with a bit of me desperately trying to prove that I am still fun without the booze).

I also don't want to come across holier-than-thou. Like 'you're all dysfunctional drinkers coz I know now that drinking heavily is all about suppressing emotion and how can you really feel when you're pouring wine down your throat constantly, by the way how is that drink there treating you?' Yeah, that's not a good look.

And I want to explain to people that I wasn't exactly vomiting and falling over every night so to that end I'm developing some quick responses to explain what led to my sober lifestyle.  'It was just wine but it was lots of it' and 'Only ever after 5pm but most nights' and 'it wasn't crazy binges just steady heavy drinking' and 'I just got sick of being a boozer' and 'I always thought I'd give it up one day and now I have!'

Did a lot of talking about my new found sobriety on Saturday night at my 40th birthday party (a joint party with my brother-in-law who also just turned 40).  Lots of lovely old friends from out of town came along plus some family members (step-brothers) who I haven't seen lately.  I wasn't sure how I was going to approach the whole alcohol thing - the party was in a bar and started at 8pm so it was bound to be a boozy affair. 

I was nervous before-hand, not because I thought I would drink but just because .. well .. um .. just because .. I suppose just because I was going to do the party sober and I had no idea how that would go.

Well, I found myself announcing to my loved ones 'have you heard my big news?!' soon after they arrived and talking really openly about it while drinking red bull and smoking the odd cigarette (which I haven't done for years).  It was a good night and I was very proud of myself driving home at 2am!  Not so happy when I realised in bed shortly thereafter that I'd overdone it on the red bull and was too wired to sleep. 

Anyway, that's why I'm now thinking about how best to talk about my non-drinking.  But then again I suppose the longer it goes on the more everyone will know and it will just be a feature of my character.  Yeah, Mrs D doesn't drink alcohol so just give her a lime and soda.

That'll be me.

xxx

Starting to get it...

I've been thinking about drinking these past few days which is really bloody annoying.  I've gone for ages without thinking about it, without imagining holding a glass and sipping.  I've had that stupid sad longing, like I'm hard done by and missing out on something special.  What bloody bollocks is that?  Had to go back and read some old posts just to remind myself about my dysfunctional no-fun drinking.

The longing to drink first came in a moment of stillness, which is very interesting actually.  My busy weekend was actually very lovely and calming and I found myself on Sunday evening in a lovely relaxed state after my week of emotional turmoil.

Then Monday afternoon, in a moment of rare and absolute stillness (sitting on a sofa in the corner of my Big Guy's school classroom having just helped with an afternoon of art projects, waiting for the bell to ring while the teacher read the class a story) I had a thought about drinking, followed by a pang.  A familiar pang.

"This is a thought, not a craving" I told myself.  And I tried to analyse why it was that the thought had appeared at that moment.  I rode it out, but to be honest that sad longing about alcohol has lingered for 2 days now.  I think it's starting to drift away finally. 

And there's absolutelynofuckingwayI'mactuallygoingtodrink.

Just had to make that clear (in bold italics no less)

I'm starting to think that the drinking for me was to fill the silence.  I'm having to learn to be still.  I'm also having to get to know sad Mrs D.  She's there and I never let her out much.  Without the heavy, steady alcohol drinking squashing down my emotions I am having to learn to ride the waves of emotion naturally when they come.  Acknowledge them, feel them, hear them, watch them go. 

Is it stupid that I'm only just starting to see now that my heavy alcohol consumption was me choosing to live a life suppressing emotions?  How can you feel, really feel, clearly and simply and in a real way if you're always pouring booze down your throat?  You can't.  So I'm having to learn that way of living I guess.

It is a bloody hard and unexpected journey but an absolutely beautiful one that I'm so so so so so pleased to be on.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Emotional overload

I am so freaking emotional it is unbelievable and it is really uncomfortable for me.  Jesus the drama.  Drama! And all of my own making!  I don't want to be too full-on about this but you need to understand that I have been running a pretty drama-free life for myself for many years.  I avoided conflict, didn't cry that often, had a good relationship with myself and loving relationships with others that I worked really hard on keeping smooth.  Mr D and I communicate really well, openly and honestly and lovingly, and very rarely fight.  I try very hard to be a good daughter, sister, friend, mother etc.

The only problem was just a little drinking issue.  I drank lots and lots of wine.  And it was running away with me, I was heading in a terrible direction, into a serious drinking problem that would be nothing but disastrous for all around me.   So, Mrs D, good strong person that you are with a very well-run life.  How about you give up the sauce now you're 40 and steer your life in a different direction?

Done! I said.  Made the big step.  Knew that it would be physically difficult, changing habits and all the rest of it.  But I had absolutely no idea how hard it was going to be emotionally.  I thought the drinking was just a habit that had gone too far, a physical addiciton that was starting affecting me negatively because it was too heavy.

But jeepers.  I am a different woman.  I seriously am.  I cry all the time.  My-self image has been rocked to it's core.  I feel shaky.  Before giving up the sauce I thought I was fine, but lately I've been feeling like a boring loser, stuck at home with a wobbly tummy and no value. 

And worse, I've been so focused on myself I neglected a friend and upset her.  Once I discovered what I'd done I raced round to her house mortified and apologised for what I'd done Drama drama.  I hate that kind of bloody drama.

And I've been exploding on Mr D, even stormed out of the bedroom the other night and attempted to sleep on the sofa!  Bloody hell, who is this woman!  This. is. not. like. me. 

This is all very unexpected and unwelcome I must say.

Now I must away to a wedding and then to host four girlfriends for the weekend.  Sigh.  Cheer up Mrs D for fucks sake!

xxxx

I need advice...

I love reading everyone else's sober blogs, all the little details about their lives, the minutiae really helps me when I'm in those small moments to feel not so alone in this new way of living.

Someone walking the isles at the supermarket confronted by the bottles of booze, someone's husband having friends over and craving a drink (but winning and not having one!), someone else busy taking photos at a birthday party to occupy themselves and not drink, someone else out a a big table at dinner having a diet coke and sitting next to a sober driver having a juice of some description.

I've got the busiest most social freaking two weeks coming up.  A massive party in my honour, 4 old girlfriends coming to stay for the weekend (haven't told them about my new lifestyle choice yet), step-brothers wedding.   Honestly you name it, it's about to happen.  I'm not worried about being tempted to drink, I am so happy with what I'm doing.  But not being able to use alcohol as a stress release, and having all your feelings so raw all the time, makes it harder work than normal.

I'd love any suggestions for great blogs anyone reads that I might not have heard about.  I don't think I'm that great at looking around for them (just try and look at other people's blog lists). And also tips for yummy non-alcoholic drinks.  Not just for these upcoming events, for day-to-day life.  I was trying energy drinks but they're pretty shitty and high in sodium.  I had an iced coffee this morning that was nice!  And I do like my lime and sodas.  With ice cubes.  Ice cubes make all the difference don't they.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Life is different...

So life is different without alcohol in it.  Not surprising given the amount of hours I devoted to wine (planning, acquiring, drinking, recovering) that are now wine-less hours.  But aside from the expected and happy results of living sober - less guilt, fewer headaches and sick guts, more money in the bank - there are other results that I hadn't expected.

So what are they?  I've been spending the last few days trying to put my finger on what is different and how it is that I feel different.  Well, there's one answer right there.  I'm definitely more introspective, looking inside my mind more to analyse how I'm feeling.  I've never been a huge naval gazer, but I am more so now.  As I said to my sister-in-law the other night, you feel more when you're not drinking.

Clearer?  I've heard other people say they feel so much clearer without alcohol and I think I understand what that means. But I'd also describe it as flat at times.  Or empty.  Just a wide open life without any mind bending.  All that time I've spent with my brain altered by alcohol, now it's just a big wide open brain that isn't inebriated.  Sometimes that's a good thing.  Other times not so good.  Last few days I've been tired and grouchy and feeling a bit low.  A week or so ago I was feeling awesome and talking about pink clouds.  So more highs and lows.  Yeah.  More highs and lows.

I just asked Mr D what is different about me now I"m not drinking and he said "dunno" so it can't be that much different on the outside.  Just inside my head it is. 

There's more to ponder here...

Love, Mrs D xxx

Telling on my addict..

Just read Augusten Burroughs brilliant memoir "Dry".  Speed-read it in fact.  In 24 hours.  Bloody brilliant, really recommended it.  A great story well told.  Ripping through the story of his terrible boozing, being sent into rehab by his employer, going through rehab, home and into recovery, a shocking relapse finishing with recovery mark 2 (which, from looking at his website, has lasted to this day).  Such a great story and heaps of insights into rehab and AA and stuff that I'm not doing giving I'm reshaping my new sober life on my own.

When in rehab he outs himself to the group of fellow addicts as having an apartment full of empty bottles.  Really really full.  Hundreds of empty whiskey bottles.  His counsellor applauds him for saying this and says "What you are doing is 'telling on your addict.' You need to visualise your own internal addict.  Think of it as a separate 'being' that lives inside of you. And it wants nothing more than for you to drink.  When  you don't drink, it says, 'Oh come on, just one.' Your addict wants you all to itself.  So when you talk about the bottles, or any other consequence of drinking, you are in effect, 'telling on your addict.'"

I like this.  I feel like I've been telling on my addict in this blog which is why I started writing this blog.  I've written about how my addict drove me to pick up wine bottles even when I was trying to have an alcohol free day, how my addict would do deals with itself over hangovers ("I can drink lots tonight and have a hangover tomorrow because I'm not going to the gym, then that hangover will stop me drinking too much tomorrow night which is good because I want to go to the gym the next day after that"), how my addict would appear behind my eyes like a paranoid junkie whenever the wine started to be drunk checking out how much was left, (how much are they having?, how much is left for me, how much is in the house how much can I get I'M YOUR ADDICT AND I NEED LOTS OF WINE!!!!!!!!!!).  I'm telling tales on my stupid fucking addict to get her out of my head for good (hopefully).

Later in the book when he's back in his normal life in recovery he talks about riding a 'Pink Cloud' and it kind of sounded like what I've been espousing lately in my posts so I just googled it and someone somewhere online said "the pink cloud is that wonderful time in early recovery when it all starts clicking and the using days seem far behind and life is just great great great......it's a good thing, but also kinda dangerous, cuz we start to consider ourselves ten foot tall and bullet proof.........and start to think we got this clean and sober thing nailed........and get a little too big for our britches...."..

And yeah, if you re-read my last two posts I've definitely been a bit super-strong holier than thou oh wonderful sober me, so I think I must have been riding the pink cloud lately which makes me worry that it 's not always going to be this easy.

Later in the book he warns of a 9-month point in recovery when lots of people relapse.  So I guess I can't really let up on reminding myself why I'm doing this.  Never let up on 'telling on my addict'.

Love, Mrs D xxx

A HUGE PARTY!!!!!!!!!

So all of New Zealand is gearing up for a massive party tonight.  Tonight the All Blacks - our super-cool team of hard rugby men - are taking on France in the World Cup Final.  Oh yeah! Rugby is our national sport, our national religion, it means everything and we must win this trophy tonight.  We must!!

This country is completely mad for rugby.  You should see my local supermarket where I just went to stock up (yeast for the pizza bases, chippies, milk).. the place was heaving!  And all the trollys were full of snacks and booze.  Booze.  Lots and lots of booze.  The collective litres of alcohol that is going to be poured down kiwi throats tonight will be absolutely massive.

But not my delicate sober throat (ha ha).  V drinks for me, followed perhaps by a lime and soda (with ice cubes).  Mmmm yummy.  Do I want to get pissed on wine tonight like I normally would?  No.  There are going to be 7 adults and 13 kids at our place and I need to keep it all in control.  Also I gave that up a while ago - remember?!

But is there a tiny part of me that feels a little bit 'flat' about the fact that there's not going to be any alcohol in the mix for me tonight?  I'll be honest, yes there is.  A tiny part of me is still getting used to the alcohol free life I have adopted.  But that's ok.  I'm still in the adjustment phase.  And so far I'm doing great.

GO THE ALL BLACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Just quietly..

Went to a big glitzy function last night, oh so very posh, and had a couple of delicious lemon drinks and an orange juice.  No problems!  Usually at a function like that I'd be chasing the wines and my regrets the next morning would be "who saw that I was boozing?"  But today no worries!

Every morning I wake up feeling clear, and I am starting to relax and accept that this new clear-headiness is with me to stay, I am embracing the new sober me and I like her.

I'm feeling empowered by my decision to remove alcohol from my life and really happy and proud of myself that I am doing it.  I feel like this is my only life, this is it, and I'm living it how I want to.  That's a great feeling and long may it last.

I'm reading Jason Vale's 'Kick The Drink ... Easily!' and he's got some great words, I'm really enjoying it actually.  He's just breaking down life into a series of events and examines exactly what you are getting by adding alcohol into each one (answer: nothing) and how we are brainwashed and conditioned into accepting this drug as a normal part of life from day one.  Really examining what alcohol does to the brain and body, and how the addiction rules you, and how it's not necessary to drink alcohol in order to have fun or enjoy any special occasion. 

He talks about being free.  And I like that.  Free!  It's a light word, denotes a lightness of mood and mentality.  I'm going for that.  A fun, free attitude to being sober.  Not brooding around being tense and glum, dreading events, feeling left out or hard done by.  Free!  Sober but still fun.

I'm not saying that everyone who is drinking alcohol is not free.  It's just that I certainly wasn't with my determined dysfunctional drinking habit.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Counting...

A very nice chappy has suggested that I put a sobriety counter on my blog as an extra help.  Is it a help?  I've never wanted to count because I just want to BE sober.  Like casually forever sober. But truth is I'm bloody early days.  Very early days.  In fact it was a shock when I just went and found a sobriety counter online (which for some reason I couldn't get to work on my blog) and I was only 1 month and 12 days.

ONE MONTH AND TWELVE BLOODY DAYS!!!!!!

I've been bandying around "2 1/2" months coz I'm kind of counting August as I went on the wagon for the month of August (as I would periodically do) and then had 5 days of heavy drinking before giving up for good on Sept 6th (when I started writing this blog).

So yeah.  Bloody early days.  A pathetic number of days.  Found that quite deflating.  I wish I was 2 years sober.

Then this morning I was counting units of a different kind.  Bottles of wine.  Went to the gym to get a new fitness programme and was chatting to the lovely (young) girl who was taking me through my new plan.  I was telling her that I wanted to lose some weight so was upping my cardio exercises, but that I knew that I had to cut down on my food intake too. She then asked if I drank and I said "no I've given it up" and after she picked her jaw up off the floor (being a non-drinker is not the done thing in this country) she asked me how many bottles of wine I used to drink in a week. 

I thought for a second and said "4 or 5" at which she raised her eyebrows like "yeah that's a lot" and I swiftly moved the conversation back to food.

But how many bottles of wine would I drink in a week?  I think I'll work this out as an extra reminder for why I've stopped.  I'll try to work out an honest pattern for my wine drinking in a 'heavy' phase.

Sunday:  Probably hung over from Saturday.  Could possibly not drink at all.  But perhaps get one bottle and have half of it.  Weekly total = half a bottle.

Monday: No hangover so get 1 bottle and drink it. Weekly total = One and a half bottles.

Tuesday: Hungover.  Get a bottle and drink half.  Weekly total = Two bottles.

Wednesday: Non hangover day.  Supermarket day.  Buy 2 bottles, drink 1 and a quarter bottles.  Weekly total = 3 1/4 bottles.

Thursday: Very Hungover.  Get a bottle perhaps have 2 glasses.  Weekly total = 4 bottles (?? ish, it's getting hard to total).

Friday: It's Friday!!!!!!  Drink at least a bottle and a half of wine.  Weekly total = 5 1/2  bottles.

Saturday: Hungover.  But who cares?!! It's Saturday!  Drink at least another bottle and a half of wine.  Weekly total = 7 bottles.

Seven bottles of wine in one week.  Perhaps I will start counting my sobriety days after all.  Must find a gadget that works..

Love, Mrs D xxx

Bloody f@*%ing brain..

So I've been sailing along, feeling really strong and good - invincible!  So together! So very functional!  So healthy and happy!  Oh clever sober me.

Had my 40th dinner out, a lovely long posh meal at a very expensive restaurant (will never do that again but it was a real treat) with Mr D.  Started with tasty fruit cocktail and then sipped sparkling soda water for the rest of the meal.  Mr D had 3 glasses of expensive wine, I even sniffed each one to get a sense of their beauty.  Oh get me ... drinking problem?  What drinking problem?!

That was Thursday night.  Friday afternoon at the mall little thoughts started creeping in. "Nothing to look forward to tonight *sigh*." "Boring, flat night ahead.."  and "Why can't I have a bloody glass of wine."

Pushed them aside, squashed them down, got through and went to bed at 8.30pm.

Then yesterday, Saturday, even stronger, jumbled together, a wave of thoughts, "I would love a glass of wine it's not fair why can't I drink one it's Saturday night I should be able to have a drink everyone else is having a drink and having fun am I really not going to have a drink again ever my whole life why am I doing this again I should be able to have a drink what harm would it do the whole world drinks alcohol was I ever really that bad I could probably moderate I'm sure I'll be able to moderate now it's only wine it's not heroin I was never that bad no drunk driving close relationships all functional didn't lose jobs or friends because of drinking is wine really that bad it's Saturday night for god's sake everyone has a drink on Saturday am I the only sad sack in the world why am I doing this again I wasn't that bad was I it's not fair oh my god

SHUT THE FUCK UP.  SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

Sorry about the language but Jesus fucking christ the inner dialogue is like a bloody drill in my brain.  Honestly PISS OFF.  What is it talking?  The wine?  The addictive part of my brain?  The naughty teenage me that never grew up?  Some sort of depressed person I've never known was there?

Why is my Saturday night boring without alcohol?

Why do I care so much about alcohol?

Anyway, I bloody beat the demons by just starting to talk about it out loud to Mr D (poor long suffering Mr D is probably bored of the whole thing by now.  No I'm sure he's not but it is dominating my life isn't it.)

Remembered out loud I didn't want 1 or 2 wines I wanted 8.  Remembering that I would sleep like crap and wake up really really regretful that I drank, with a hangover, feeling depressed.  Remembered that I'd get back on that daily treadmill of wine acquisition, drinking, recovering.  That awful wine fuelled nightmarish life.

And then I cleaned.  Between 5pm and 7pm I cleaned this goddamn house until it gleamed.  I vacuumed, polished, scrubbed, sorted and straightened.  Until I sat on the sofa at 7.30pm puffed out (yes, I was puffed from all this hard-out cleaning!) with a ginger beer and read recovery blogs from other people and ordered recovery books from the library catalogue online.  It was hard, but I won. 

I won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Stock take..

I have 5 hours left of my 30's.  I am about to move into the second half of my life.  That's how it feels to me anyway. So, a stock take...

I have arrived at 40 with;
A wonderful husband
Three awesome sons
A mortgage
A cat
A people mover with remote control doors
Life insurance
Health insurance
No stretch marks but...
A wobbly tummy and ...
A few grey hairs
Good teeth
A strong body
A healthy heart
Lots of lovely friends
A warm loving family
A successful career (to fall back on when I require)
A fascinating research topic for my MA
A moderate interest in politics
A growing interest in cooking
A huge interest in pop culture
and
A drinking problem


Love, Mrs D xxx

Another technique.....

I realise I'm using this visualising technique quite a bit trying to retrain my brain to see life without alcohol.  When I'm staring down a looming event I'm doing what I spoke about in the last post (although it has to be said I haven't had to experience even one of those scenarios yet).  I'm trying to be cool about it by thinking of myself as that sparkling sober version of myself.

And I'm kind of doing the same when staring down a looming Tuesday evening.  A random week night at home feeding the family, tidying up, dealing with small boys, getting the house to bed.  Normally I'd accompany that with at least a bottle of wine rapidly poured down my throat.  But no longer.  That's hard.  I used to love the wine.  'SHOW ME THE WINE!' My inner voice would yell.

So now, as four o'clock rolls round and the hand ticks by to 5pm when on the dot I'd start drinking, I try to work my brain to see through the evening and out the other side.

Does that make sense?  I make myself imagine climbing into bed at the end of the night.  Or waking up in the morning.  I try and look through the fog of 5 to 8.30-9pmish which would usually be spent drinking and imagine the climbing into bed bit.  Sober.  I visualise myself cleaning my teeth and getting snugly in my bed.  I'm looking through the evening and willing the time ahead to where the drink would be finished with anyway. 

This helps me.  But it still takes quite a bit of work.  I am kind of obsessed.  I look forward to it becoming easy.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Casually sober...

Ok so now I'm thinking of some more of these casual statements that I'll trot out at social occasions in the years to come.  This is a technique! (I made it up).  Visualising myself sober.  Projecting forth into the future a vision of a smart, cool and together Mrs D.  Not the sloppy, lush-like ageing party girl that I had become.

So here goes.

At a wedding: "Oh no, just a juice for me thanks.  Why?  Oh I just don't bother with the booze any more, it was running away with me (tosses hair), but I'm no less fun am I (laughs gaily and spends the rest of the night cutting it up stylishly on the dance floor before driving all the drunk people home).

At a work function: "This? (points to glass) Oh it's just tonic water, I'm not bothering with the hard stuff any more.  Trust me, I'm way better without it (proceeds to spend the night talking wittily and intelligently with management, taking care of the new girl who overdoes it on chardonnay.  Drives home and reads two chapters of great novel before sleeping soundly all night).

On a group holiday: "No really, I am just having a red bull.  It's ok, really.  No it's not that hard (lies), I just don't want the alcohol in my life any more.  No I'm not judging any of you guys, honestly, you just go for it (retreats to bedroom to re-read letter written to self on first day of sobriety to remember, remember, remember why this must be done).

In these fantasies the casual tone is accompanied by a casual thought process.  I long for the day that it doesn't take such mental rigour to stay off the grog.  Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon thinking about alcohol.  All afternoon!  Bugger that.  I hope that as the weeks go by I will just be sober, without any thought.  Coz right now that sure ain't the case.

Love, Mrs D xxx

To Her..

I have a follower!  My first follower!  Her name is Her and she is somewhere in America, trying trying trying to become sober.  She is a mother, a wife, a daughter and a drinker.  I have posted comments to Her blog, wishing Her all the best, willing Her to stay strong, willing Her to victory over this nasty sly addiction.  I want that sly drinking fox out of her brain!

The Her my follower could be any one of thousands of fabulous women out there who are dysfunctional drinkers.  Actually make that millions around the world.  How crazy is it that this drug is so socially acceptable even though so many people struggle with it and it ruins their lives?  I am determined to be one of those really cool, strong people who in years to come will say casually, "yeah I gave up alcohol a while ago, it just wasn't agreeing with me any more.  I'm much happier without it in my life."

That will be me.  That will be Her.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Flat and fat..

I feel flat (emotionally) and fat (physically) today.  I'm not fat technically speaking by the way, but I am heavier than I should be and could definitely lose some weight.

I think obsessing about weight is boring, but how you feel about yourself mentally often manifests itself in how you feel about yourself physically doesn't it?  If I'm feeling low I usually have an inner voice saying  'you're fat and ugly' but if I'm feeling great I think I look just fine!

It's the weekend and I did my usual Friday morning treaty shop.  Fresh flowers, some nibbles for Friday evening (feta dip, pita bread and some pistachio nuts), plus a bottle of expensive red wine and some beer for Mr D. 

Am I tempted to drink that?  No I'm not.  Not in the slightest.  But I am feeling flat.  And fat.  So it must be having an impact somewhere.

On a brighter note, to remind myself how much better I feel not drinking I want to say how happy I am every night when I climb into bed sober.  I love getting in to bed at night without being full of wine.  I feel so happy at that point.  It's even better than waking up without a hangover and the guilts.

So that's a bright note to end on.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Scared...

I just feel so scared that this is all too easy.  It's been approx 2 months now, I'm not really counting the days.

I had gone for a regular 'month off' in August - something I used to do to get my tolerance down and give my liver a break.  Well this break only lasted 3 1/2 weeks and five days of heavy drinking followed so the whole 'get my tolerance down' thing didn't work and .. hence the final decision to quit.  (If you want to read about my final binge I wrote it in my first blog post)..

So anyway .. since I've made that final brutal call I've felt really strong and clear headed and haven't had a single pull to drink.

Not a single pull to drink.

Now, don't you think that's weird?  I mean I've been pouring red wine down my throat like it's going out of fashion for years.  I've had an internal clock chiming a call to DRINK! at 5pm for ages.  I've got a brain that has spent hours and hours and hours affected by alcohol.  Drinking it, recovering from it, feeling guilty about it, obtaining it, looking forward to it, drinking it, and so on and so on.

So, why is my brain now just happily accepting my final decision to cut it out altogether?  I'm fearful it's tricking me, lulling me into a false sense of security.  I like to think I'm strong minded and clear headed and have never kidded myself about my dysfunctional unhealthy relationship with alcohol.  But to have this decision to live sober be so easy .. well, I'm scared.

Must remember, must remember, must remember.

But I'm sure there will be tests to come and I'm scared it will be really hard to resist.  Especially as I'm going it alone with only the support of my husband and family and blogs I've found online.  Plus this blog that I write regularly.  The words I put down here linger with me during the day, and I'm hoping upon hope they'll help me stick to my resolve.

Love, Mrs D xxx

The country is awash..

If I had a drink for every time someone said to me how hard it would be to give up drinking in this country I'd be well on my way to getting legless.

It's true New Zealand is a booze culture, getting plastered is a national hobby.

Go to a 21st and everyone is getting hammered.  The birthday girl or boy will be doing a yard glass and vomiting in the back garden.  Everyone is laughing, parents are all packing it away too. 

Go to a 30th, 40th, 50th or 60th and it's the same story.  Everyone is having a great time drinking lots and lots of alcohol.

Go to a wedding at midnight and everyone is smashed and cutting up the dance floor or huddling around outside smoking and drinking.

Go to a wake and everyone is drinking heavily to drown their sorrows.

Go into any town centre on a Friday night and you'll see young and old wobbling down the streets full to the brim with alcohol.  Our hospital A & Es have security guards posted outside to cope with all the drunk people after midnight on the weekends.

Heavy drinking is normal.  And I worry especially about the women.  There must be loads like me who harbour naughty dysfunctional drinking habits in their homes, now that they have had kids and have largely stepped out of the workforce.  Are there? 

Just today in the paper there's an article about a woman caught driving who was three times over the legal breath-alcohol limit.  She had young children in the car.  It's just the latest case in a spate of women from that area being caught drunk at the wheel.

What's the drinking culture like in other countries?  I know France is held up as an example of a healthy drinking culture.  Wine on the table at dinner even when you're young but over-drinking frowned upon.

Here in New Zealand drinking heavily and handling it is a badge of honour.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Like an evil eagle...

.. the thought came swooping in with sharp talons at the ready.  Imagine having a glass of red wine tonight.  It's the first time since almost 2 months ago when I stopped drinking (I'm conveniently ignoring the 5 days of heavy drinking in the middle that sparked the final brutal decision to stop altogether forever.)

Altogether.

Forever.

Stop.

Altogether.

Forever. 

Last night was the first time that I'd actually had that thought accompanied by a little 'pull' to drink.  A familiar yearning.  Oh I had to squash that down!  And then since, some romantic thoughts of alcohol and a gut wrench that I'll never experience that again.  Really, never again?  It seems unreal in those moments.

I have to keep reminding myself what sloppy horrible hell the wine drinking had become for me and that the romantic ideal will never exist again. 

This is going to be hard I can see that.  I haven't really been challenged properly yet.  And I've put myself completely on the line by telling family.

Please strength be with me always.

Love, Mrs D xxx

A tricky night..

Was pretty bloody knackered yesterday after spending all of Friday night in A&E with the Little Guy who fell on the door frame and split his forehead open.  It happened at 6pm and usually - pre major life change to give up wine drinking - I would have had at least half a bottle in me by that point. But the new sober Mrs D was clear headed enough to dial 111 and get an ambulance who took us in to hospital to get patched up.

Mr D was out and had arrived back just before the ambulance arrived so he stayed behind with the other two.

So last night - Saturday - Mr D was having a glass of wine (and bear in mind I was tired from a night of stress, had not slept well and had spent all day folding washing, making food and caring for the boys) when he decided to start telling me about how hard it was going to be for me not to have that 'release' at the end of each day by having a glass of wine. 

'But I don't just have one or two glasses of wine!!' I reminded him with gritted teeth.  'I have a bottle and a half! That fantasy of just a couple to unwind doesn't exist for me any more!' I was getting a bit angry.  But hey, remember dear reader, that I was bloody knackered. 

But then Mr D started getting defensive and started trying to reinforce his point.  Not on! I'm the bloody expert on this!  I got more grouchy and tried to remind him about my determined over-drinking.  The last thing I need is someone, especially my husband, to undermine my resolve and lead me down the path of romantic reminiscing about drinking.  Romance be damned, my drinking has been anything but romantic and my unwinding at the end of the day was more like a complete unravelling.

I don't miss going to the loo and looking at the back of the door thinking 'I'm pissed'. 
I don't miss going to the loo 3 times overnight. 
I don't miss being awake in the wee small hours feeling guilty about how much wine I sank the night before.
I don't miss cursing that we have no panadol in the house in the morning.
I don't miss yelling at the boys to stop yelling because my head is pounding.
I don't miss my guts churning and my head aching until mid afternoon.
I don't miss dragging my sorry ass through the day because of a hangover.
I don't miss the sly fox in my brain thinking about how much wine to get, how much wine is left... 
I don't miss that sly wine-drinking boozy fox at all..

Anyway back to last night.  I decided to breath deeply and remember to ask myself 'what is actually wrong here' and realise nothing was other than Mr D being thoughtless.  So I calmed myself by whipping cream for pudding and putting clean sheets on the bed then ran myself a bubble bath and soaked while Mr D put the boys down.  I forgave him later when he bought me some white chocolate in bed and we watched England and Scotland play each other in the Rugby World Cup. 

Life wasn't so bad after all.  And I was never seriously tempted to have a drink.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Aaahhhh, alcohol buzz...

I remember the first time I ever got drunk. It was at our family holiday home and I was probably 15 or 16 and it was down on the beach drinking Marque Vue.  Not sure how to spell that, we used to call it Marque Spew anyway, which is kind of ironic considering that night I did spew.  In the bath.  Marshmallows.  Must have eaten a whole packet and out they came.  Pink and white, almost whole, in the bath.  Oh charming.

There must be people in the world (with delicate constitutions?) who have an experience like that and decide never to overindulge on alcohol ever again.  Not me. That first experience didn't put me off, no sirree bob!  No delicate constitution here, I've got the stomach of an ox!  I've been pounding it and overindulging on the grog ever since. Well until about 2 months ago that is when I made this huge decision to live a sober life and be a *gasp* NON DRINKER!!!!!!!

Told my Dad this morning.  I've got the language down pat now, so can get my reasons across pretty quick.

"I've always had a taste for it but lately it's been running away on me"
and
"I've got such a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship with alcohol"
and
"I'm not in the slightest bit interested in 1 or 2 glasses of wine, I want 4.  Or 6."

Dad was supportive, said he was proud of me.  Time is what I really need to show everyone how serious I am.   I'm sure there are some doubters.  They'll see.  I'll prove to them I mean it.

In one and a half weeks I turn 40. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

Emotions..

Ok, so some more on this squashing down emotions thing.  My post yesterday has got me thinking.  Is a desire to squash down my emotions the reason why I've been drinking heavily since I was about 17?  I mean, my childhood was pretty awesome I think, close family and all.  My parents did divorce when when I was 21 but I don't want to go on about it because how many millions of people are the product of divorce?  But is that the reason for my heavy drinking that's led me to this place?

Perhaps unsurprisingly I trained and moved into an industry that very interesting and stimulating, and known for being boozy.  High stress, regular deadlines, lots of social functions, drinking.  Lots of boozers at work.  So a fun decade in my 20s boozing in the office and with workmates (but with that home base gone).  Travelled and lived in London, same industry, lots of parties, boozing. 

Then met the lovely Mr D, also a drinker but without the 'gene'. He can stop.  But we boozed together and travelled while drinking wine and developed a fun house with friends and food and wine.  Then the kids came along.  Big Fella!  Middle Dude and Little Guy! Managed to get through the pregnancies and breastfeeding with minimal wine drinking but once the kids stopped breastfeeding my 5-o'clock habit was getting fully entrenched. 

My body clock is amazing - 5pm on the dot, or about 4.45 I'll look at the clock and think 'almost wine time!'.  Wrestle with myself about whether to get any during the day.  Pick up a bottle during the course of the day.  Pop the top at 5pm and it's gone by 7.

But lately 1 bottle just hasn't been enough. I needed one bottle and 2 glasses more just for myself to feel 'full'.  Binging.  And loyal readers of my blog (ha ha) will know the rest, the cycle I've been in. 

So that's a potted history of my drinking history.  There's far more detail obviously.  Tomorrow's blog I'll write about how I have felt since day one of drinking and try to work out why I have always liked the feeling of being inebriated.

Love, Mrs D xxx

More reminders...

Yeah this sure is a head game, I have thoughts pop into my head constantly that say 'really? never another drink ever again?' and 'Christmas is going to be a real challenge, how boring it will be' and 'boring! boring!' and 'you're not that bad are you? lots of people drink!"..

So here, Mrs D, are some reminders to yourself (this talking to myself is getting weird.  If only I had some readers...)

* Going on holiday to a camping ground with a bunch of old mates and getting so hammered on the last night I was finishing everyone else's wine and ended up falling into our unit and puking in the toilet.  Classy.  Lost a favourite earring that night.  Felt very depressed for a week or two afterwards.

* Lost another earring another random week night binge at home, think vomiting might have been involved that night as well.  Where do these earrings go? Down the toilet?

* Going to a gig - Jarvis Cocker!! - with my sister and we both got plastered and I ended up standing on the floor, flat floor with carpet, and just suddenly falling backwards and spilling my drink.  Total loss of balance.  Nice (not).

* Going to a show (Grease the musical, opening night, free tickets).  Having 3 drinks before the show, needing to leave half way through the first half to pee, standing on the sidelines waiting till the intermission not wanting to piss off all the people I had to squeeze past to get back to my seat.  Straight to the bar to buy another drink to take in to the second half.  Having more drinks at the after party.  Was this seeing a show or just another opportunity to drink lots?  Why is alcohol always taking the front seat in the story of my life?

* Another free ticket, this time to the amazing Walking With Dinosaurs.  Free drinks at the pre-party, had at least 3. Took another in to the show (spilt red wine on the floor in front of some people when the Middle Dude bumped my arm).  Again the loo before half time and making sure I got another drink to have during the break and another to take in to the second half.  Again, booze booze booze.

I ate a lot yesterday.  Pigged out.  Then in the evening I was watching Oprah recorded from earlier in the day and she had a doctor talking about how emotionally disturbed people might control their emotions and one way was drugs and alcohol addiction, another was over eating. She said people eat a lot to 'squash down their emotions'.  So, have I been using alcohol to squash down emotions and yesterday did I overeat to squash down the emotions I'm feeling about my big life change?

Interesting.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Collapsing..

My body is collapsing that is.  It's so weird.  I used to pride myself on how physically strong I was and how I never got sick.  The odd tummy bug off the kids, occasionally some sinus issues but nothing really to write home about.  I've even joked to Mr D on occasion that it's my red wine diet that keeps me in such good health!

But now I've got a terrible head cold and my ears are completely blocked and .. this is worse .. much worse .. a pimple!  A PIMPLE FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!!  I haven't had a pimple for at least 15 years and even before then they were few and far between. But now it's blinking at me from smack bang in the middle of my chin and I think .. hang on let me check .. yes, it's got a wee whitehead.  What???  How truly disgusting.  What on earth is going on? 

On a more positive note I've decided that now that I'm not pouring close to $100 worth of wine down my throat each week, I'm going to spend more on other fun things that I usually never shop for.  Clothes for me for one thing, and kitchen gadgets.

A garlic crusher!  A good can opener!  A wooden salad bowl!  What treats. You go girl.

Love, Mrs D xxx

More inspiration..

Making more announcements to friends and family which is strangely empowering and intimidating at the same time.  Basically what I'm doing is announcing to close people that I'm a problem drinker.  I mean normal drinkers don't give up alcohol do they..?  So that is refreshing in some ways, a relief to be brutally honest to everyone about my secret dysfunction but also really scary as I'm setting myself up to be watched now.  There has to be no failure!

I dunno, to be honest removing alcohol hasn't proved a problem yet although it is early days early days early days.

Anyhoo I'm reading Kelly Cutrone's "If you have to cry go outside" and while she's quite (understandably) full of herself she has a great chapter on finding inner strength and silencing negative thoughts.  She's got her own spirituality (and I know AA talks about recognising a higher power) and credits a lot of her self discovery and empowerment to finding and following this spirituality (some yogi called "Mother"??).

Personally I'm not reaching outside of myself yet for empowerment, am going to just find the power in me.  I do think I'm strong and if I can really prove it to myself by making this big scary change alone then there will be no doubt!

Some great quotes from Kelly Cutrone:

"The mind uses fear throughout our lives as one of many blunt objects with which to clock our soul over the head before gagging it, binding it with black electrical tape, and throwing it out of the driver's seat and into the trunk"

"So I started to play ball with my fears.  "Bring it!" I'd say when seized by that familiar pit in my stomach. .. I asked my fear exactly what it had to say to me.  .. I followed my fears to their worst possible conclusions, .. , and what I realised each time was that no matter what happened, I was going to be fine.  I remembered that family and tribe members are key, but also that ultimately I have everything I need to survive inside of me."

"I believe that the universe constantly rearranges itself to support your idea of reality.  If you're always thinking Life sucks, and I suck, you're definitely going to see a lot of dismal shit out there.  On the other hand, if your idea of reality is that you're a privileged, elegant human being and every day you think, I am a privileged, elegant human being I am a privileged, elegant human being then eventually you will become a privileged and elegant human being.  It may take five minutes or it may take five years, but that will become your experience of yourself."

Go Kelly!

Love, Mrs D xxx

Hot topic

Oh well it's the hot topic of conversation now.  My sobriety.  Man that sounds dramatic!  Told my other sister when we were talking on the phone about something unrelated and I started crying so in order to explain my raw emotions I had to tell her "sob sob the reason sniff that I'm crying is that actually sniff sniff I've decided to give up alcohol completely and it's just making sob me feel sniff sniff quite raw and emotional I guess".  Her first reaction was "really? why?" but followed pretty swiftly with "man you're awesome, you're so incredibly strong that is amazing" and then lots and lots of supportive talk. 

So that was cool and then I told another friend when she tried to pour me a bubbles when I was collecting the Big Guy from a birthday party - she was a bit taken aback (I pointed to her glass and said "the thing is I don't just want one of those I want six").  After 10 minutes it was completely irrelevant that I had coke in my flute rather than champagne.  (I'm going to keep drinking my non-alcohol beverages out of wine glasses, I don't want to suffer stem withdrawals).

And then I told my sister-in-law today and she said "What, never again??!!", so I said "well that's the plan, I mean life is really long, but yeah, that's the plan.  Say hello to the new sober Mrs D" (at that last statement I held my arms outstretched, yeah never lose the drama moment I say).

By the way on the topic of it being a long life and never say never - although keep to the plan etc etc - just finished Steven Tyler's autobiography and he was sober for 12 years and then had a few almighty relapses and ended up back in rehab.

So yeah, long life. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

Hello Russia!

Wicked! Had a spike in stats yesterday because of 3 hits from Russia!  Helloooooooo out there.  Are you a housewife and mother harbouring a guilty drinking secret too?  Are you going to try and remove alcohol from your life?  Talk to me!

I dunno, I feel like my blog is so searingly honest and revealing and interesting and witty but .. actually .. it might be .. well .. boring. 

I keep hitting "next blog" when I'm here and finding a whole series of blogs about HOCKEY!!  Or QUILTING!!!!!!  Or just another HAPPY FAMILY!!!  I don't play hockey and I don't quilt.  Actually I don't scrapbook, sew, knit or even arrange flowers (although I do sometimes buy a bunch and put them in a vase).

I cook (a lot), I potter around cleaning my house and looking after my three sons.  I read some novels, crime ones mostly but also autobiographies and just cracking good reads.  I watch a lot of television.  I go to the gym.  I am doing my MA thesis part time.  I try to be a good friend, neighbour, sister, daughter, mother and wife.  And up until about 2 months ago. I drank a lot of wine.  A lot.  A crap-load of wine.

So now I don't do that.  I blog instead but that doesn't fill in as much time as the wine did.  Some of my books are now about sobriety and "unfolding enlightenment" (blah) but otherwise my life is the same. 

But now, without the wine, it feels quite boring.  You've got to cut me some slack about that.  I have had wine spicing things up regularly for 20 years. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

Shitty..

I'm really tired and really shitty and really would love a drink.  There, I said it. 

Little guy woke up at 5-o-fucking-clock and wouldn't go back to sleep so I've been up since then and I've just been shitty shitty shitty ever since.  He played with my wallet and now both my money card and my credit card are now completely missing which I discovered at the counter of Warehouse Stationery.

Yelled at the Big Fella for pestering me to help him with his stupid computer game (which in hindsight wasn't a criminal offence but boy did I yell).. my temper was quick to rise and BAM there it was.  YELLING YELLING YELLING.

I just feel really grumpy and tired and grumpy and tired just so tired.  The house feels really dusty and gross and .. I think I just need a nap actually.

Usually I'd drink a bottle (and a bit) of wine at the end of a day like this and then sleep like crap and then feel even tireder tomorrow.  So the wine doesn't make me rested.  Does the wine help relieve any stress?  No.  Is the wine fun and naughty and does it take me away from my hard boring life as a housewife and mother of three?  Yes!!  Yes yes yes it does.

Don't worry I'm not going to drink.  No way.  I just have to live this shitty grumpy tired day and go to sleep tonight and maybe tomorrow will be easier.

Ok, a plan.  40 mins of hard-out cleaning to make me feel better about the house and then I can sit down to relax until Little Guy wakes up from his nap.

Love, Mrs D xxx

going strong..

Still feeling good, strong, amazing about my decision to remove alcohol from my life.  Haven't had a single pull to drink.  Mr D is away for work and there's a full bottle of sav in the fridge and some red in the pantry and I didn't even think about it.

I feel like I've been working up to this point for a few years now.  Enough of the mindless pouring of booze down my throat.  Heading in a stupid and very very serious direction with my drinking.  Where did I think it was going to end up?  What sort of life path are you on if you are pouring so much wine down your throat?

I was a 2nd day drinker.  Have a binge, then have a hangover, so the second day is a light one, just 1-3 wines.  Then the next day, no big hangover so have a binge again!  How many hours have I spent thinking about booze, working to obtain it.  Drinking it - being impaired by it. And then recovering from it. How many many hours spent on that.

So now, I have a sober brain and a sober life facing me.  Life, here I am.  That's the raw feeling I suppose.  But what can I achieve now?  Great things! 

Note to self: get new hobby.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Friends reaction..

Was out shopping at the mall yesterday - child free! - and bumped into some mates.  We were chowing down in the food hall together having lunch and for some reason I told them I'd given up the booze.  Forever! I said.  They seemed a little bemused but interested and kind of didn't say much. They probably don't understand why, or know what to say.  I was kind of breezy about it.  Didn't really explain how dysfunctional my drinking is, although I'm sure I've tried to tell her before.

It's hard for people to really get it.  Even Mr D took years to understand me and my dysfunctional drinking and why it is so unhealthy and unsustainable, and it's been staring him in the face for years.  No one really knows except you, the drinker. 

No-one else can hear your inner voice and feel your insane pull to drink.

No-one else knows your sneaky filling each glass to the rim and slurping the top down immediately.

No-one else knows your one or two drinks out will end in a trip to the store on the way home for another bottle to finish up because once you've started it's very very very very hard to stop.

Love, Mrs D xxx

Uptight..

Last night was a bit of a test.  The in-laws came over for an early pizza supper (home-made pizzas I might add, made by MOI!) .. they bought beer and wine.  Mr D and Mr D senior had a few beers, Mrs D senior had a couple of wines, Mr D also had a few wines after his beers (he seems to drink more when I'm not drinking.  I think he used to hold back so that someone was in control and also because I would get grumpy if he drank too much of the wine!).  Anyhow I just didn't drink and didn't say anything about it and no-one made any comments.  But there's no flies on Mrs D senior and I'm sure she would have noticed.  She probably thinks I'm pregnant.

At one point Mr D asked me quietly in the kitchen how I was and I said "Ok, but I feel quite uptight".  He gave me a big snuggle and some lovely kisses and I felt much better and lighter after that and was able to be in a better mood.

Later in bed (I love it when I get into bed now and have had no wine!) he told me that it wasn't even noticeable that I was feeling uptight.  I thought I was more snappy with the kids (well the Middle Dude did break Big Guy's new glasses, that pissed me off) but he said I was fine really.

I do feel more uptight on an evening like last night because..
1) I'm not relaxing with the alcohol in my system
2) I'm not part of the 'fun' group having a few drinks
3) I'm having to mentally process abstaining from something 'fun' so I'm concentrating on those serious thoughts = serious mood

Hopefully 2) and 3) won't apply for ever because I won't have to think about abstaining so much, I'll just automatically do it, and well as for 2) readers of this blog will know (ha ha! That's a joke!  I have no readers!!) it wasn't fun any more for me anyway.

Quick point here.  Mr and Mrs D senior got to about 3 units of alcohol and stopped.  They just stopped! They'd had enough at that point.  How very functional!  Had the fun lift and then stopped.  If only I could do that.  I would have been pouring wines number 5 & 6 as they were getting ready to leave round 7.30pm.  Probably had wines 7 & 8 before bed.

Anyway, back to my points.  Number 1).  Well my lovely Mr D had a good idea.  Why don't I have a Red Bull or some other horrible drink I would never normally touch, but one that would give me that energy lift at the start of a drinking session.  So I will try that next time I think.

And I need to think about how and when I am going to annouce to people what I am doing.  Why am I hesitating to do that?

Love, Mrs D xxx

Stats...

I think it's really funny that every time I come to this blog site (which is every day) I check my stats.  I had two hits in the first two days! Who were these people I wondered.  So exciting! Someone in South Africa read my heartfelt blog about attempting to give up alcohol!  And someone in Brazil! Then a few days later two more hits, I now had four! Four hits!  (One was from New Zealand, that was probably me checking myself out).

But then, four hits stayed.  Four hits.  Four hits.  Now those four hits are so long ago they've travelled off the graph and it now says "no stats please check back later".  HA!

So, enigmatic Mrs D.  This blog is just going to be exactly what you intended which is a diary to yourself that happens to be in cyberspace rather than in a notebook in the bedside drawer.

Had some tears yesterday afternoon with Mr D and confessed I felt 'raw'.  Tried to explain to him what I meant, that deciding to remove alcohol from my life has left me feeling rather stripped back.  That instead of spending so much time under the influence of alcohol I now have a brain that is always sober and that is confronting.  He understands and is so supportive.  He will be very proud and impressed when (not if) I pull this off.

Out for an early fish n chips dinner at some neighbourhood friends last night, Mr D had a few red wines, the other bloke is a teetotaler due to health issues so he and I had a couple of lime juices together.  His partner had one glass of wine, the demon is definitely not in her.

So here I am, Saturday morning no hangover! Only four hits ever on my blog!  It's all good...

Love, Mrs D xxx

Blog is working..

Ok my plan is working. I was feeling a bit more wobbly on my resolve and then after school yesterday went to visit the in laws and my wonderful mother in law said "I've got the wine chilling, would you like a glass?".   Lucky for me my sister-in-law said first "not for me thanks" so I followed swiftly with the same.  It wasn't too hard.  I mean it was 3.30pm for goodness sake.  I could detect a bit of surprise from my mother-in-law, she no doubt equates me with enthusiastic wine drinking! 

I was thinking when driving the boys home an hour or so later that if I had had a wine, or two, I would be driving straight to a bottle shop on the way home to get more.  This action would be accompanied by an intense internal dialogue about whether I should or not.  Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no with always the YES! winning.  Then I would have drunk probably most of it while I got the kids fed and to bed (Mr D is away working for the night). 

So I thought hard about how that would have felt, and then came back to this blog to read my reminders about my drinking behaviour and all the BORING INTENSE DETERMINED OBSESSED UNHEALTHY AND HEAVY HEAVY drinking I have done inside my house.  So don't want to go back there.  Feel light again and good about my decision. 

Love, Mrs D xxx

Squeeze..

I can feel a squeeze coming on my brain, just a slight tightening of my thoughts, and my strength and resolve to not drink alcohol any more.  I can feel the little voice inside flexing it's muscles again.  Really?  Never again? 

Yes never again.  It stopped being fun. The fantasy idea of drinking - just the one or two! - doesn't exist for me any more.  Nothing will be lost, or less fun.  So much will be gained.  Think I have to work really really hard on this.  Exercise my brain like it is a muscle I lift weights for. 

I wish I had some more books, or blogs or something I could follow that worked for me and how I am trying to do this.  But I know I am strong enough and I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.

Love, Mrs D xxx